“Home sweet home,” the driver said as he pulled into the driveway of an older, ranch style house. “I’ll grab the gear out of the back.”
“Thank fuck we didn’t have to use any of it,” the woman said as she threw open her door. “Easiest night we’ve had in a while.”
I grit my teeth and refused to reply to her comment. It was an easy night for her? Congratu-fucking-lations. So glad that one of the worst nights of my life had been a piece of cake for her.
I clenched my jaw and grabbed my purse off the seat. Climbing out of the SUV to stand awkwardly beside it, I stared at Mark’s house like it was going to bite me. God, I didn’t want to go in there. I was so grateful for everything they’d done, so relieved that we were okay and they’d come to save us, but what I wanted more than anything was to get as far away from Mark Eastwood as I could, before the weight of the past was thrown on top of the weight of the present and I suffocated.
“Come on,” Mark ordered. I drug my feet as he led me to a door between the detached garage and the house.
The door opened into a kitchen, and I catalogued it without conscious thought. While it wasn’t a complete bachelor pad, it wasn’t exactly homey, either. The dining room table was covered in newspaper, and on top of that was some sort of rusty car part, but the kitchen counters were clean and there was even a half-burned candle sitting between the burners on the stove. I couldn’t imagine Mark actually buying a candle at the store. Did he sniff a bunch of them before he decided which one he wanted? Did his girlfriend buy it for him? Did he have a girlfriend? Dammit, why was I even thinking about that?
“I’ve got a guest room,” he said, catching me checking out his place. “You can stay in there tonight.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled as I followed him down a short hallway.
He stopped in the doorway of the furthest room down the hall and flipped on the light, gesturing me inside. The room wasn’t decorated, but the furniture he had was definitely not of the discount variety. Another surprise. I would have guessed I’d be sleeping on a futon.
“I’ll grab the bedding,” Mark said, nodding toward the bed. “It gets dusty if I leave it made, so it’s just easier to keep it in the closet.”
He left the room and I took a minute to just breathe. We were safe. We were unhurt. We had a place to stay until my parents got there. Everything was going to be okay.
I glanced down at the baby as she started to stir, making little noises and rolling her head around. Maybe okay was an overstatement. We were going to get through it. She chose that moment to make a sucking noise that sounded a whole lot like she was trying to blow me a kiss.
Fuck it. I’d make things okay.
“It’s you and me kid,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head. “And we should probably figure out the name situation.”
“Got ’em,” Mark announced as he strode back into the room. “I don’t think this mattress has ever even been slept on, so I have no idea if it’s comfortable or not.”
“I can pretty much sleep anywhere,” I lied. The truth was that I had a hard time sleeping anywhere, but I figured the point was the same—it didn’t matter how comfortable the mattress was or wasn’t—I’d get the same amount of sleep either way.
“Everyone’s gonna be here for a while,” he said as he put the sheets on the bed, tucking them neatly at the corners. “So, if you wanna get settled and then come out, feel free.”
“Okay,” I replied, standing there like a lazy ass while he made my bed. I knew I should offer to help, but Jesus, I was tired. My arms ached from holding the baby all night, the lower half of my body was still stiff and sore from sitting on the floor of that closet for so long, and I was trying to ignore the incessant throbbing of my downstairs. I felt about a million years old.
“Or,” he said as he threw a quilt over the sheets, “you can stay in here and get some rest and get her settled. Up to you.”
“Yeah, she probably needs her diaper changed,” I said to his back. “I don’t know about her, but I was definitely shitting my pants back there.”
I have no idea what possessed me to make the joke. None of it was funny. Not one bit. It was absolutely terrifying, and claw at my chest, scream until my voice was raw, devastating. But I’d never said the right thing, and that moment wasn’t any different.
“Right,” he said before turning to face me. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”
“Mark—”
“You know, Cecilia, tonight wasn’t a fuckin’ lark for me,” he said, pausing in the doorway to look back at me. He paused and thumped the side of his fist against the doorframe. “So keep your bullshit comments to yourself, alright? I don’t want to fuckin’ hear ’em.”
I stood dumbly, staring at the door long after he’d left. Once upon a time, he’d been the only person who hadn’t gotten offended by the shit that spilled out of my mouth. When we were together, I hadn’t had to censor myself at all. I sighed. Or maybe he’d just pretended he didn’t care what I said because he’d been nineteen and getting regular blowjobs. Whatever. I’d be gone tomorrow and he could think whatever he wanted about me. What did it matter, really?
“Let’s get you changed, huh?” I finally said to baby girl as she began to squirm in earnest. After laying her on the bed, I grabbed our bag off the floor and started pulling everything out of it. Four diapers, a half empty package of wipes, two little shirts that snapped at the crotch, another baby gown, a pair of footie pajamas, a blue and pink hat from the hospital, my toiletry bag, a set of dirty clothes I’d rolled up into a ball, my hairbrush, a sample size bottle of baby soap, two pacifiers, two nipple shields that I hadn’t had to use after the first day, and a plastic bag with two pads left.
“Damn, girl,” I cooed even though my stomach churned. “We don’t have much.”
I upended my purse next. Two more pads, a couple of very old tampons, keys, wallet, two medical bracelets, a pair of fuzzy socks with grippers on the bottom, a tube of lanolin, my .38, an envelope of paperwork, two pens, my phone, a phone charger, and a tube of lipstick.
There was no getting around it—we needed supplies. I had a single blanket to wrap her in and I cursed as I realized I’d left her car seat in the back of Cane’s car. It had felt weird as hell, unnatural, holding her as we’d driven to Mark’s house, but I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I’d left the expensive ass car seat Liv had picked out behind.
Taking a deep breath, I shook out my hands. There was nothing I could do about it now. What was done, was done. When my parents got there tomorrow, we could figure out logistics. Get her a new car seat and other shit she’d need. There was no reason to panic, not about this. It was only one night and then we could go back to my place, pack up, and hit the road.
I’d feel stronger then. I’d be ready to get things done and make things happen. I just needed one night.
“Okay, sweetheart,” I said as I leaned over her. “Diaper time.”
As I changed her, I kept up a stream of conversation that she probably couldn’t understand, but it made me feel better.