“There was no fighting, Nella. It was just that once.”
She lowered her gaze and clenched her hands in her lap, then nodded as if his answer lifted at least one heavy burden from her shoulders.
“Nella, what’s wrong? Please, tell me.”
She lifted her gaze and James’ heart shattered in his chest. Her eyes were filled with tears that were ready to spill from her lashes.
“I want you to know, I’ll do whatever you wish. We haven’t been married all that long. I’ll agree to a divorce. You can claim whatever reason you want. Say I was unfaithful. Or that I wasn’t a good wife. Or—”
“Stop it, Nella!” he said, bolting to his feet. “Why on earth are you talking about a divorce? We’re married! You’re my wife!”
James skirted the table and knelt on the floor beside her. He reached for her hands and held them.
Nella shook her head and pulled her hands out of his grasp. “I’m so sorry. If only I had known, I would have let things play out as they intended. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know what?”
“About Lady Blanche.”
He was confused. “What about Lady Blanche?”
“Oh, James,” she said on a moan. “I’m so sorry.”
She lifted her face and looked at him. Tears she’d held at bay until now ran down her cheeks. There was so much hurt and anguish on her face and in her eyes, it ripped his heart from his chest. He’d never seen such raw pain in a person’s eyes as he did now. As if his dear wife hurt to her very soul.
“Please believe me when I tell you that I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only thought to…”
“Thought to what?”
“To save you. And now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make things right.”
“What things do you have to make right?”
“Everything,” she said and stood.
“Is that why you ran away?” he asked. “Is that why you left Colworth Abbey?”
She wrapped her arms around her middle. “I needed to think. And there were too many memories of you there. I couldn’t think.”
“What did you have to think about?”
James gathered her close and held her as tightly as he dared.
“I should have just let it happen the way they planned it.”
“But I’ve told you, Nella,—”
Her small cry stopped his words from spilling out as she struggled to calm her breathing.
“I didn’t know she was carrying your child and she was desperate to marry you. I ruined it all, James. I’m so sorry. I ruined your life. And hers. And the life of your child.”
James dropped his arms from his wife and staggered back a step. “Why do you think Blanche is carrying my child?”
“She told me,” Nella said through her tears. “She was here two days ago and…and…she told me,” Nella finished in a rush of sobs. “And it was…obvious that she’s expecting. Oh, James! I’ve ruined everything. She’s going away to have your baby. She intends to give it away to the first person who will take it. Or leave it in some back alley. She’s going to pawn off your baby as if it’s a used piece of clothing or an unwanted pet. Unless…”
His heart froze. “Unless?”
She gulped. “Unless I take the babe after it’s born and leave England. And you.”
It was diabolical. He could strangle the woman for putting such an untenable burden on his dear wife.
“Nella, listen to me.” James stood on shaky legs and held his wife. “If Lady Blanche is having a baby, it’s not mine.”
Nella shook her head. “You don’t have to deny it, James. Everyone in the ton thought you and Blanche would marry. You were so well-suited to each other. She’s the most beautiful creature in Society, and you’re the most handsome. It was obvious from the start that you were well-fitted to each other and you wouldn’t have given me even a first look if I hadn’t tricked you. And now…now…oh, James. I’m so sorry. Tell me what to do to make things right,” she begged.
James reached for his wife’s hands and held them. “Nella, you don’t have to do anything. Everything is perfect as it is.”
“No.” She twisted out of his grasp. “Nothing is perfect. I’ve ruined everything and I know you must hate me. You’ll always hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I have never hated you.”
“You don’t have to say that. I know you couldn’t possibly mean it. And I can’t blame you. I’m not the woman you wanted for your wife.” She struck a fisted hand gently against his chest and took a step back. “Do you realize, James, you have never even kissed me? Do you think I don’t know why? Do you think I don’t know that you find it repulsive to kiss me?”
“That’s not true, Nella.” He reached to pull her back. He intended to kiss her until she was senseless, but she twisted out of his grasp.
“Oh, James. Do you think I don’t know that as soon as I provide you with an heir you’ll no longer come to my bed? Do you think me such a fool that I haven’t realized you cannot even make love to me until you drink enough to give you the courage to touch me?”
James reeled at her words, yet he could only find truth in them.
“Is that why you haven’t told me that you’re going to have my babe?”
Her eyes opened wide and her mouth formed a quivering ‘O’.
“You know?”
“Yes, I know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wasn’t ready to lose you yet.”
There weren’t words that could have hurt him more than the words she’d just uttered. Perhaps in the beginning he thought he would leave her and go to London when he was assured she was having a child, but that was true no longer. Just as it wasn’t true that he needed a drink or two for courage before he could make love to her. Most nights he couldn’t wait to pull her into his arms. To have her beneath him while he made love to her. To hold her and feel her hands caress him.
“Oh, Nella. I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to doubt that I cared for you.”
“How could you care for me?” she asked quietly. “I forced you to marry me. How could you want me?” She walked away from him. “Now please, go away and leave me be.”
James looked at his wife. It pained him greatly to know how he’d hurt her. How unloved he’d made her feel even though he hadn’t intended to. How unwanted he’d let her feel even though he wanted her more desperately than he’d ever be able to prove to her.
“Please come home with me, Nella. We have much to discuss yet.”
She shook her head.
“Please,” he said. He grasped her by the arms and locked his gaze with hers. “Please,” he said, then lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers.
He couldn’t fathom why this was the first time he’d kissed her. How could he have been so unfeeling? So unkind?
He kissed her once, softly, gently. Then, kissed her again.
There was so much he wanted to teach her. So much he was desperate to show her.