Why does that make my heart beat so?
Why does being near him make my belly swoop and a tingle shiver straight down my spine?
I let him gather the flowers and hand them to me.
“I’ll take you to the graveyard,” he says, the tone of his voice brooking no argument, as usual. It’s his way.
I am alone with Lachlan McCarthy! I sing it in my head, a thrill of excitement racing through me at his nearness.
“I’m sorry to see your family move out,” he says. “Though I’m happy you’ve a nice home now.”
I don’t reply at first. I wish he said he was sorry to see me move out, but he hasn’t. I’m not that special to him. And the mention of a “nice home now” is a stark reminder of the squalor I left behind.
“Thanks.”
He walks toward the grave, and I follow.
“It’s to the left, isn’t it?” he asks. It’s a full moon tonight. Clouds shift, and a beam of moonlight hits the side of his face. His hair is rugged and dark, and the shadows of a scruffy beard lines his jaw. My heart beats faster.
“I don’t know,” I admit with a shrug. “Haven’t been here.”
His eyes widen, but if he’s shocked by this admission, he doesn’t say anything.
“Aye,” he says. “I can see the freshest grave right there.”
“I’m glad I ran into you. It’s a bit spooky here at night, isn’t it?”
“You mean the ancient headstones, chilly air, full moon, and the thought of decaying bodies beneath our feet?” he says with a roguish grin. “Not spooky at all.”
“My God, Lachlan,” I say with a grimace. “Don’t!”
He chuckles, and I swear I feel that chuckle zing straight down my spine. My God is he handsome.
“Go on, then, Fiona,” he says gently. “You came to put the flowers on the grave, and it’s getting late.” He hands me the rescued flowers. I hold my breath as I wrap my fingers around the stems. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to him.
Again, bossing me around. But he’s right, so I nod, and take a step toward the grave. I look at the paltry bouquet and start bending toward the grave, but as I look at her name, a sudden fury swells in my chest.
I’ve always been crap at holding back my temper. This time, I don’t even try.
“No,” I say, my voice wavering and my hand trembling as I stare at the grave. “You don’t deserve flowers. You hardly fucking deserve this grave.” I rip the flowers in my hands into bits and throw them at the grave beneath me. “You were a crap mother. You were mean and cruel and selfish. Someday I hope to forgive you, but not…” I stomp my foot on the bruised flowers. “Today.”
I swipe angrily at the tears on my cheeks and stomp harder, grinding the stems and petals into the ground until they’re pulverized beneath my heel.
“Good girl,” Lachlan says softly behind me. I start. I damn near forgot he was there.
I turn to look at him. I must look a sight, with tears streaming down my cheeks and rage written on my features, but he isn’t shocked or surprised by my outburst. He gives me an understanding smile. I think I begin to feel a seed of love in my heart right then. He doesn’t judge, or scold. He stands by me when I’m hurting, and I will love him for that.
“Let’s get you home, lass.”
I don’t know how I make it back home.
I never should’ve come here to begin with, but my good mate Aisling corralled me into coming.
“You’re eighteen,” she said. “Have a little fun already. I’ve got a place I’d like to take you to.”
But then we met up with her friends, and we had a few drinks, and the next thing I knew they were dragging me into a club I’d never been to. I didn’t even know the name, or where it was. Maybe I was reeling a little, if I’m honest. Maybe I wanted to spread my wings and live a little. Maybe I was tired of trying to play by the strict rules set in place for the McCarthy family.
I had my guard with me, though they’re very good about staying in the background and being unobtrusive, so I figured I was safe.
I didn’t know this was a club that any members of the Clan would attend. I mean… I suppose I’ve been kept in the dark about those things. Why would I know, unless one of the other Clan women told me? So it shocked me to see Boner with a girl on each arm, and I blinked in surprise when I recognized Tully behind him.
But then… then I saw Lachlan. With… a woman. And my world came to a stuttering, excruciating halt. I tried to control myself, but I failed. My heart seized in my chest, my lungs constricted, and I stumbled to the back exit. I couldn’t breathe as I rushed toward fresh air.
I made some mumbled excuse about not feeling well to my friends, and for once actually beckoned the guard for help.
“I’m not well,” I breathed. I’ve not called on their help before like that, and I was thankful for their immediate attention and swift response. I found myself back home in short time, though I don’t even remember how I got there.
I make my way into the quiet, dark entrance of the home I share with Nolan and Sheena, and for the first time ever, a sudden pang hits my chest. My heart squeezes.
I’ve outgrown this place.
I don’t belong here anymore.
I used to, no doubt. I’ve always felt like I belonged. Nolan and Sheena have been so very good to me. But it was different when I was younger. When I was one of the children.
Maybe a birthday does make a difference.
Nolan and Sheena are in the living room when I enter, watching a movie. She’s curled up on his lap, and he’s got his arm around her.
“Y’alright, lass?” Nolan asks, his eyes coming to mine.
“Aye,” I tell him, making my way to my room.
“Got a text from the guard, said you were ill?”
Fucking hell, I forgot they’d report back to him.
“Got a little queasy is all.”
Sheena looks at me sharply. “Have you been drinking?”
“Not much.” And it’s true, I haven’t. “And anyway, I’ll have you remember it isn’t against the law.” I give her what I hope is a pointed glare, and she opens her mouth, then closes it. She doesn’t respond.
I’m halfway down the little hallway that leads to my bedroom when I make a decision. I’m not that good about thinking things over and weighing my options. I’m known for rash decisions, but there’s a benefit to that as well. I’m also known for being willing to take risks.
I turn on my heel and face them. “I’ve decided I know what I want to do,” I tell them. “You know, what we discussed earlier today.”
Aisling is going to school in Boston. She’s invited me to go, too, and in the slew of college applications I sent, Boston University was top of the list with a generous scholarship offered as well. A part of me wanted to go because Tiernan’s stationed in Boston, and Tiernan’s told me I’ll love the city with its multicultural flare and old-school feel. I didn’t want to go that far away, I told myself. I couldn’t. My home is here with the McCarthys, in beautiful Ballyhock.
But tonight… I want to get away. I don’t belong here anymore, as a child under the protection of Nolan and Sheena. They’ve got my younger brother and children of their own. A little voice in my head tells me that it’s only Lachlan I want to get away from, and I am furious at him, but I ignore the inner censor.