As for myself, I have an appointment with a therapist specializing in cases like mine to begin working through the trauma I went through. The first thing I did the morning after the hospital was call Maisy over and tell her everything I’d kept from her. She hugged the life out of me, promising to be there for me. It felt good to be open with her and get it off my chest. Pushing the truth out was hard, though. It came in starts and stops, interrupted when I couldn’t speak from my throat tightening with emotion.
I’m a little nervous to continue unpacking the things I haven’t looked at directly about how Mr. Coleman abused me. The pain is so fresh it sometimes blindsides me out of nowhere. Victim. It’s still a weird word in my mouth, as if it doesn’t feel like it should belong to me. But does anyone feel like they’ve achieved the arbitrary required level of trauma before it feels like the right word? Maybe no one ever feels like it’s theirs.
I’m learning to accept the shape of it, because I can’t erase it or pack it away in my brain behind walls.
Not thinking about it won’t make it go away. It’s something I have to face in order to move forward. It doesn’t have to change who I am or define me.
This is another facet of myself I will learn to treat gently.
I’ll find my new normal with the support of my loved ones at my back.
Constantine nudges my leg with his snout, huffing at me when I lift my brows. His big brown eyes dart to the counter and back to me.
“One more piece, you little pig.” I feed him a morsel from the broken bits of cake that didn’t make the final cut. I scratch under his chin as he chomps happily. “Good boy. Let's take these outside for everyone.”
Lifting the tray of bullet wound donuts, I head out back, where Connor and our friends lounge on the terrace around the blazing fire pit. My heart swells at the sight of them all. It reminds me I’m not invisible or alone.
Everyone has a quilt wrapped around them, Devlin and Blair curled together in a cushioned loveseat, Maisy sitting cross legged barefoot on a lounge chair, and Connor holding one side of his blanket open for me to nestle beside him.
Constantine comes when Blair calls him, flopping at her side while she grins, snapping pictures with her phone. His tongue lolls out, drawing a laugh from me at his blissed out expression. We’ve been bonding over our love of dogs. Now when she sends her friend Gemma dog posts on Instagram, she includes me in the group chat and begs me for pictures of Constantine all the time.
“I come armed with baked goods,” I announce.
“Yes!” Maisy unfolds her legs and snatches a donut from the tray. She takes one look and cracks up. After taking a big bite of her bloody donut, she hums in bliss. “My sugar queen.”
“I think you mean mine,” Connor says in an amused tone. “What’s so funny, little Landry?”
Maisy points her half-eaten donut at him. “Dude, you have got to drop that. I might be younger than my brother, but I can still kick ass.”
“Play nice,” I shoot over my shoulder, offering the tray to Blair and Devlin.
He examines the choices with a smirk. “Oh, I like these. Nice eye for detail.”
Blair takes two donuts, biting into the first while admiring the second, nodding in agreement with her boyfriend. “Gruesome. These are rad as hell.” She closes her eyes and hangs her head back. “Tastes so good.”
The corner of Devlin’s mouth lifts and he leans into Blair’s space to give her a languid kiss. Seeing her enjoying herself always makes his chiselled features soften in fondness.
I set the tray on the ottoman between Connor and Maisy, taking a donut for myself and Connor.
“Come over here.” He lures me to his side with a charming, crooked smile that pulls heat into my core. He knows exactly what kind of effect it has on me as he tugs me down onto the wide cushion, enveloping me with the blanket. “That’s better.”
“What’s that?” I ask, nodding to the real estate page he has loaded on his phone. “Looking for an apartment already? I thought you were joking when you told your mom you’d move out.”
He tucks his phone away before I get a good look at the property he was checking out. “It’s nothing. I’m just looking right now, but once I find the perfect place, I’ll show you.”
Narrowing my eyes, I do an impression of one of his favorite memes. “Keep your secrets, then. Donut?”
He takes it while I bite into mine, staring at what I made for a long beat. “Your baking is taking a turn for the gory, huh?”
I try to contain my grin, but I lose the battle. “Do you like it? How does the blood taste?”
“You tell me.”
He swipes his finger through the decorative frosting and holds it up to my lips. Cheeks hot, I part my them and dart my tongue against his fingertip. His gaze is locked on my mouth, dragging his teeth over his bottom lip.
“I’m about to haul you off to the pool house.”
I tap his chest with a light smack, lowering my voice. “Don’t tease me, then!” Wrapping the blanket tighter around us, I drop my hand to his lap, running it over his semi-hard dick. “You brought this on yourself. We’re hanging out with our friends.”
With a groan, he drops his head back. I break a piece off my donut and feed it to him. He chews for a minute.
“It’s delicious, baby. It always is with you.”
Maisy, Blair, and Devlin sound off in agreement, reaching for seconds.
There’s nothing like feeding the people you care about with something you baked with love. “I’m glad you all like them.”
Surrounded by our friends and wrapped in Connor’s arms, my heart is full of the brightest joy. It breaks through any shadows, lighting me up with an ember of warmth that makes me feel stronger.
“Face mask self-care day tomorrow. You in?” Maisy points between Blair and me.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I say. “Do you like face masks, Blair?”
She blinks, glancing at Devlin. He rubs her arm, dropping a kiss on her shoulder.
“Uh, sure. I’ve never done one.”
“Oh my god! Girl. I’m about to change your life. This is it, this is our bonding moment. Come with me.” Maisy gets up, taking Blair’s hands. “This can’t wait. We’re doing this right now. Come on, Devlin. You’re doing one, too. We’ll film it and put it on our stories. Baby’s first face mask!”
Leaning against Connor, I laugh at Blair’s perplexed expression. “Go on, she doesn’t have an off switch when she decides to do something. It doesn’t take long and it feels good.”
“Take lots of pictures,” Connor says. “I want proof of our Devil Boy in his true form.”
Devlin flips him off.
Maisy snaps and points at Connor. “You’re right. Is your hair long enough for pigtails? They’ll look like horns. It’ll be bomb.”
“Aren’t you, like, quiet at school? What the hell?” Devlin asks, bewildered.
“Not around people that know me,” she says.
“Never underestimate the quiet ones, bro.”
I shake my head. “You did. Look where it got you.”
“Yeah?” Connor pulls me on his lap, trapping me in his strong arms as he puts his lips by my ear. “It got me a lapful of this.”