“Becoming Stefan’s pawn rather than my father’s? How is that better? It’s just different.”
“It was your father who put him in Clear Meadows to begin with.”
“How do you know that?”
He studies me, then makes a point of checking his watch. “I have to take Clara home. Let me walk you downstairs.”
“I can find my own way.”
He walks to the door and opens it. “I’ll escort you.”
Stefan’s words come back to me. There’s nothing nice about Rafa.
“Just a minute,” I say, “I need to use the bathroom.”
He nods, gestures for me to go ahead. He doesn’t leave the room.
I walk into the bathroom and close the door. Standing in front of the mirror, I run the cold water and splash a handful on my face, then dry it.
What did Stefan say about allies and enemies and that constantly shifting line? Rafa is not my friend. I know that. I’ve known it all along. I guess the real question is how passive or active an enemy is he to me?
I feel like I’m locked in a cage and in each corner is another monster.
“Gabriela,” Rafa asks with a soft knock.
“Coming,” I say, wondering which of the monsters will bury me.
18
Gabriela
The house is dark but for the light that pours from Stefan’s study. I hear Clara’s familiar, irritating laughter and almost stop as my hands fist. I wonder if Rafa notices this shift in me. I think he might because it’s then that he puts his hand at my lower back. I hurry my step until he’s not touching me and I’m standing just inside the study.
“I didn’t realize we still had guests,” I say, my eyes on Clara.
She finishes her champagne and I hate that she looks so perfect. That she’s wearing white. Isn’t it in poor taste to wear white to a wedding that’s not your own?
Why do you care?
Stefan and Clara both stand.
Clara looks me over as she walks toward me. I smell her perfume when she leans to kiss my cheek, or more accurately, to touch her icy cheek to mine.
“Congratulations,” she says to me, drawing back. “Welcome to the family.”
Family. Christ. Who’s worse, the Marchese’s or the Sabbioni’s? We take dysfunction to a whole other level.
“Ready to go, Clara?” Rafa asks.
She goes to Rafa, stands a little closer than what I’d think is normal for cousins but I’m apparently the only one who notices the oddity.
“See you tomorrow, Stef,” Rafa says as he gestures for Clara to walk out ahead of him.
“See you then,” Stefan says and a moment later, he closes the door and turns to face me.
“Are they together?” I ask.
“They’re cousins.”
“But are they together?”
Stefan shrugs, walks behind his desk to take out a folder. “They fuck now and again, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Did the three of you…” I start but stop as soon as I hear my own words.
Stefan’s eyes gleam and he gives me a one-sided grin. “For all your inexperience you have a dirty mind.”
I steel my spine. “You all seem so cozy. Always have.”
“Clara likes to have fun.”
He doesn’t deny it. I wish he did. Wish he’d tell me I was crazy.
“You’re my wife, Gabriela.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t ask out of jealousy, just curiosity. You can fuck whoever you like.”
He comes around the desk, his walk that of a predator. He doesn’t waste words or give me any space, but one hand fists my hair and he walks me backward until I’m at the wall.
“Be very careful.”
“I’m just telling you it’s okay. Isn’t that what you want?”
His gaze skims my face, hovering for a moment at my mouth before returning to my eyes. “So you’re giving me your permission?” He shakes his head, snorts. “Are you expecting the same allowance from me?”
“I don’t need your allowance.”
His fist tightens and I lean my head backward a little, trying to alleviate the pain.
“This is a sham. You and I both know it,” I say.
He studies me for a long moment but then abruptly releases me and steps backward. “The papers are ready.”
Yes. The papers. The reason for this whole thing.
I glance to his desk, to the stack of pages awaiting my signature. “You’ll take me to see him?”
He nods.
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
I don’t have a choice. Well, I do. I can leave him in my father’s care and never see him again.
I walk over to the desk, pick up the pen, sign my name and it’s done. Stefan’s petition is ready.
“My father doesn’t know, does he?” I ask.
“Not yet.” He looks over the papers, then turns his gaze to me. “You did the right thing.”
“I guess we’ll find out.”
“It’s late.”
Anxiety fills my belly. I know what comes next.
“Let’s go upstairs,” he says.
“I don’t love you,” I say, the words abrupt and out of place.
He cocks his head to the side. “Love has nothing to do with this. You told me so yourself.”
“We don’t have to do this part. We—”
“This marriage will be consummated. Tonight.”
A chill runs along my spine and I close one hand over the opposite arm.
Stefan puts a hand at my lower back. “Let’s go, Gabriela.”
Will he make me if I say no?
“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” he says, as if reading my mind. “Upstairs.” I feel the pressure of his hand and my legs are somehow moving, somehow carrying me out of the study, to the stairs and up to his room.
My heart races, goosebumps cover my flesh.
This isn’t how I want my first time. Or any time.
He closes the door behind us, and I step away, look at the bed. I’ve slept in it. Been naked in it. Been naked in it with him.
This, though, tonight, like this, it’s different.
He comes to me and I back away. I can’t help it and it’s not a conscious choice, but I only stop when I run out of space.
I put my hands up against his chest.
He takes my hands, draws my arms upward, taking both wrists in one hand using the other to tilt my face up to his. His touch is different than I expect. Gentler. And I can’t seem to find my voice.
“You’re beautiful. I thought so from the first time I saw you.”
My body seems to be vibrating, every nerve ending alive with anxiety and anticipation and something else. Something I don’t want to acknowledge.
“I was sixteen,” I manage.
“And already beautiful. I won’t hurt you, Gabriela.”
“You will, Stefan.”
He studies me, thoughtful. Then his free hand moves to unzip the back of my dress and I guess it’s happening. It’s happening now. Like this.
I didn’t think it’d be like this.
But fuck him. I will not cry. I will not let him see weakness. I will not let him see fear.