“What’s her name?”
I shake my head. “I have no idea.”
“But you know she’s deaf?” Merrick asks.
“She signed to me.” The memory of Kingston signing that I was “nobody” when she asked who I was flashes through my mind. That was like the quick flick of a sword across my heart.
“That’s awesome. You can sign?” He sounds surprised.
“I’m rusty, but yeah, my uncle was deaf.”
I grew up watching my cousins and parents sign with my uncle, and I guess you pick it up quickly when you’re a kid. It was only when I got older that I realized we didn’t sign like anyone else I knew. My mother eventually explained that my uncle had learned how to sign when he lived in the United States with an old family friend. Apparently American Sign Language is different from British Sign Language. I never thought I’d be so grateful for something that had left my uncle so isolated in Scotland.
I wonder what my mom will say when I tell her. But at this point, she doesn’t even know I have a daughter, let alone a deaf daughter. I’m not ready for how disappointed she’ll sound when she finds out my behavior chased off my family just yet.
“That’s an upside—a barrier you don’t’ have to worry about. You won’t have to learn to communicate with her.”
Merrick always sees the bright side of everything. I guess it’s his job, as my sponsor, to put a positive spin on things, but it can be annoying as fuck sometimes too.
“Yeah, I guess. But it hurts, you know. I’m the reason I’m not in my baby girl’s life. I did this.”
“You put yourself in this position, that’s true. But you have to forgive yourself. I’ve already told you my worries about you going out there. You can’t make Sedona forgive you. It’s her choice whether she wants to or not, but you have to remember that whatever she chooses, doesn’t speak to who you are now.”
“Gotcha.”
We’ve been over this. It’s why I waited a year after getting clean to contact her—to make sure it wouldn’t be for naught. The worst thing that could happen is that Sedona forgives me and then I relapse and all that mistrust piles up again. I wouldn’t get a third chance. But waiting a whole year, especially the first six months after rehab and the halfway house, was excruciating.
Now that I’ve seen them, it’s all so real. The hurt in her eyes, the fear when she saw me looking at our daughter… I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me.
“Just go find a hotel and get yourself together for coffee tomorrow. Hopefully the two of you can find some common ground. Remember that Sedona has the right to feel however she wants, but if you want a relationship with your daughter, you can have that without Sedona. You have rights as a father.”
“A father who’s been absent her entire life,” I grumble.
“A father who was getting clean to be the best damn father he could be. A court will see that. You have rights and don’t forget that.”
“You talk from experience?”
His laugh is hollow. “I do.”
He doesn’t give me anything else, so I don’t press him. “Okay, I’m going to find a hotel. Thanks for talking to me.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m here for you whenever, day or night. I can’t stress enough that there’s no quick fix to this. You have to do the work, just like you did to get clean.”
“I know. I know. Thanks.”
We hang up and I hold the phone for a moment before ordering an Uber to Glacier Point Resort.
Fifteen minutes later, the Uber picks me up and we drive past Terra and Mare, the windows revealing everyone having a great time inside. I close my eyes briefly. My family is in there.
“I’m going to win you over,” I whisper.
“What’s that?” the Uber driver asks.
I shake my head in the rearview mirror. “Nothing.”
We ride in silence to the resort while I pray that I’m not blacklisted from everywhere in this town.
***
The next morning, I’m walking through the lobby of the resort when a big body makes its way over to me from the reception office. I stop, figuring he’d catch up with me at some point, but I’m surprised by his tentative smile.
“Jamison,” Wyatt says.
“Mornin’, Wyatt.”
He crosses his arms and widens his stance. “You know I can’t let you stay here, right? My wife will kick my ass.”
“I’m a paying customer.”
His lips don’t tilt up. He merely nods. “You won’t be after today. I can’t have you here.”
“Listen, I’m having breakfast with Sedona.” I glance at my watch and Wyatt’s eyes fall to my Patek Philippe watch with raised eyebrows. “I can’t be late, so I’ll have to check out as soon as I get back. It’ll be a bit late, but I had planned on staying another few nights. That work for you?”
“Fine. But you really should’ve brought a bodyguard back with you.”
He turns on his heel and stops to speak to the receptionist. After a moment, both their gazes fall to me. Great, I guess I really am finding somewhere else to put me up.
I hop in my Uber, driven by Duke Thompson. Perfect. He’ll probably drop me off in some remote part of Alaska and I’ll be eaten by a Kodiak bear, much to the Bailey family’s satisfaction.
He recognizes me, turning around and shaking my hand. “Jamison, I heard something about you being in town.”
I want to say no shit, Buzz Wheel outed me last night. I read the article, which didn’t portray me in a very flattering light. The first time I have an article centered around me in that gossip rag and I’m a deadbeat father. “I need to go to Sunrise Bay. Two Brothers and an Egg restaurant?”
He nods, puts the car in drive, and we pull away from the resort.
After I give him enough one-word answers, Duke finally stops asking me questions. The closer we get to Sunrise Bay, the more my stomach tightens. This moment reminds me of the same feeling I used to get when I was taking a penalty shot on the pitch. It all comes down to this. This is my only shot to try to get her to listen to me.
Things with Sedona were always easy. Maybe not entirely or we wouldn’t be in the situation we are. But we fell in love fast at seventeen when everyone thought it was infatuation more than love. Even when I was playing in Europe and she was at school in New York, she’d message me to say, “great goal” or “congratulations on the win.” When she got on the college newspaper, I subscribed and read every word she ever wrote. I missed her beyond all reason. That’s why when I got offered a spot in the MLS—to play for New York, no less—I was on her doorstep right after the plane landed. It’s always been Sedona for me.
“We’re here,” Duke interrupts my thoughts.
I blink, shifting my gaze to him, surprised we’re here already. Sedona’s at a booth inside along the window. She’s smiling at the waiter in front of her table with a pad of paper. She signals to the empty side of the booth and he nods, moving on to the next table.
“Wish me luck, Duke.” I climb out of his car, mustering all the confidence I can to meet this head-on. Own up to my mistakes and beg for forgiveness.