She’s wearing fluffy panda slippers.
This is the worst idea in the history of ideas. I should’ve taken all the hints and drove us straight back to my place, skipped this meeting-the-team thing, and then called one of her family members. She’s a danger to herself, and I’m quickly making her my problem.
I’m becoming a problem myself.
I should’ve thought to ask if she wanted to go back and change, but when she didn’t suggest it herself, and she took off not knowing her left from her right, what she was wearing became the last thing on my mind.
What does it say about us that I already believe she’d actually dress like this to go to a party?
“How the hell do you drive in those things?”
She jerks her attention away from my crotch and looks down at her feet, lifting her toes, which makes the panda heads on top of her feet dance. “Practice. Pooks and Elbow go everywhere with me.”
“You…named your slippers.”
“In my third book, before I started writing Confucius books, my heroine slips through a time portal into another dimension when she puts these slippers on. When she lands on the other side, it’s full of were-pandas, and Pooks and Elbow are the first two she meets.”
No words.
None. They went poof.
“Since it’s an alternate dimension, the pandas don’t shift into humans when they’re not in were-panda form. They shift into sentient sticks of butter. But she doesn’t fall in love with a stick of butter. She falls in love with a centaur who was accidentally summoned to the alternate universe by the head were-panda during a ritual gone wrong. It sounds weird, but it works in the book. Trust me.”
“Can you pretend you’re mute for the next hour?”
She laughs, and fuck me, she’s a snorter.
She snorts when she laughs.
And it’s too late to bail on this entire thing, take my chances with having an anvil drop on my head next time I’m walking around downtown thanks to The Eye, and kick Nonna out of my house, because the elevator doors are opening, and Francisco and Max are standing in the hallway in the middle of a heated discussion that stops the minute they lay eyes on Henri.
For once, I don’t know the first question either will ask. I told them Henri’s name earlier, mentioned that I played it low-key like I didn’t know her when she came through on the tour with the romance novelists yesterday because we weren’t ready to talk about our relationship yet, and that I wasn’t sure how much she liked crowds.
It was almost the truth.
But the way Max is gaping at Henri suggests he’s starting to suspect my entire story is a load of bullshit. “What the—”
Lopez silences the pitcher with a shot to the arm and recovers first. He, too, has a terrifying grandmother, which probably explains the bright smile and the way he reaches for her hand, pauses, and then strokes the cat right over its vampire pajamas.
You can practically hear him thinking thank god my abuela has never met this woman and cursed me with her, though her cat is adorable. “Honor to meet you, Henri. Luca talks of nothing but your beauty.”
While Henri preens, Max shoves him out of the way. “Quit stealing Rossi’s girlfriend. We need him to live through the playoffs.”
“We need to make the playoffs.”
“You say potato, I say Lamborghini. Hi. I’m Max. You need a room so you two can do the nasty? I’ll kick Elliott and his lady out. Or I’ll borrow another apartment for you.”
I grab Henri’s free hand and growl at the pitcher.
“Meatballs or echidnas?” Francisco asks.
Henri’s brown eyebrows furrow. “For eating?”
All three of us stare dumbly at her, and she cracks up. “Wow, the looks on your faces. Guys. I know about the mascot contest. And I—”
Brooks’s door swings open, and Mackenzie pokes her head out. She’s holding Coco Puff, their rapidly-growing cavapoo puppy that Brooks got during spring training, and while Coco Puff barks and his collar shouts out an enthusiastic You’re a winner to me!, Brooks’s blonde fiancée eyeballs the hot mess that’s pretending to be my girlfriend.
And her cat.
She squints.
Henri beams. “Hi! You must be Mackenzie. Can I have a Fiery Forever button? The echidna looks super cool, and I can’t stop laughing at Glow’s campaign around his big fire butt, but let’s be real here. A team like the Fireballs deserves a dragon mascot.”
“I hate that firefly’s ass,” I mutter, but no one pays attention to me, because Henri is clearly the center of attention.
And for good reason.
Who the hell can smile that bright like she’s not wearing weird pajamas while meeting her fake boyfriend’s real friends for the first time?
I think my nuts are sweating.
This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all.
Mackenzie stays poker-faced, which is impressive. This is the same woman who’d go catatonic in the presence of Fireballs players six months ago, and look at her now, playing the tough chick with my fake girlfriend. “Are you kissing up to me?”
“I could if you want me to, but really, I do like the dragon best.” She shifts her cat and lowers her voice. “Even though I saw Luca’s poster of the duck in his closet. We’re a house divided.”
Mackenzie rounds on me with a gasp, and Henri giggles, which is better than the snorting.
“She’s lying,” I say quickly.
“Teasing,” Henri corrects. “Sweetie, we need to work on your trust issues, but that’s okay. We’ll get there.”
And now I look like I’m completely and totally whipped by a psycho wearing a sexy male vampire on her pajamas.
Maybe this is karma for trying to dodge The Eye.
“Is that Confucius?” Mackenzie nods to Henri’s shirt.
My fake girlfriend gets so excited her towel starts to tilt. “Yes! Ohmygosh, you know Confucius?”
Brooks sticks his head out of the apartment too, followed closely by Cooper, whose grin is half you want to sleep with me until he gets a load of the leaning tower of towel. “Man who go through turnstile… Whoa.” He shakes his head. “Rossi, dude, you’ve gotta get your girlfriend the official pajamas.”
“No, no.” Mackenzie beckons us into the apartment. “She can wear Confucius anytime. He’s hot.”
Henri blushes while we all troop inside. “I can’t believe you know Confucius!”
“He’s okay for a vampire,” Brooks grumbles.
“Ohmygosh, you’ve read Bite of the Wild?”
“Brooks’s brother-in-law runs this romance book club in New York. We join in on video chat whenever we can. Do you think there’ll be a book five? I can’t believe that cliffhanger in book four, but it’s been almost two years, and—”
Henri grimaces. “Yeah. That was after Kyle. He took a while to recover from, but I think I’m about ready to tackle For Whom the Vamp Bites.”
“No, no, it’s not out yet. Knox heard Nora Dawn was having some personal issues, but she’s putting out How to Train Your Vampire soon, which is good, because it’s been a while since she had a new book, even if it is a new series. And…who’s Kyle? I don’t remember a Kyle.”