He’d tried to text me a few times, but I’d put a stop to that, too, by either not responding at all or giving one-worded answers. He took the hint, choosing silence in return, which I both hated and desperately needed. It was the only way for me to figure things out on my end without Chance Carter clouding my judgment.
Whatever I decided to do about Jared, it couldn’t be about Chance. But to be honest, it was really hard to separate the two of them in my head. Breaking up with Jared meant that I’d finally have a shot to be with Chance. And I knew that I wanted that, but I hated that I felt like a bad person because of it. I was not the type of girl to end one relationship for another. Or at least, I never had been before.
I hated that I felt like I was doing something wrong when everything about being with Chance felt so opposite of that. I wished my mom were here. It was one of those times when I longed to pick up the phone and call her for advice. I tried to think about what she’d tell me to do even though I knew she would insist that I follow my heart even if it broke someone else’s.
Some of her last words echoed in my mind.
“Be happy. Be ridiculously happy, Nika. Don’t let anyone else be responsible for your joy. That’s up to you. So, chase it. Without abandon. Without guilt. Without fear. And never settle. Not in life. And especially not in love.”
The front door slammed.
“Honey, I’m home,” Sunny’s voice rang out, and I giggled.
It was really damn hard to be sad around that girl. And even though she’d recently pushed me for information about Chance, I’d kept quiet. I kept our confessions to myself, locking them inside me, where I considered them safer. Sharing them with her would make them real.
“In the kitchen, where I belong,” I teased, and Sunny squealed in response.
“Baking, I hope!” she said as she bounced into view with a grin.
I held out a giant spoonful of homemade chocolate chip cookie dough, and she greedily grabbed it.
“Please tell me you sprinkled sea salt on top of the chocolate chips!” She leaned down toward the oven and tried to peer inside. “I can’t see in there,” she whined.
“Why the hell would I put sea salt on them?” I asked.
“You know nothing about culinary baking,” she complained before grabbing the spoon filled with dough and licking it. “So, what’s wrong? You only bake when you’re thinking about things or trying to figure out a problem.”
Damn. I’d figured I had at least a few more minutes before she called me out.
Looking at her with a frown, I relented. “I was thinking that Jared and I might need to take a break.”
Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head. “Is this a joke? Are you kidding? Seriously? Why? What happened? Tell me everything.” She hopped on top of the counter and started swinging her feet.
“I just …” I paused, trying to remember all of her questions. “I haven’t been happy in a while. And it’s not getting better, you know?”
She nodded before tossing the spoon into the sink with a clang.
“I invited him over later to talk.”
“Does he have any idea?”
“I don’t know. I mean, there’s no way he can truly be happy. We’ve been fighting more than ever lately. It’s like we can’t even get along anymore. Everything I do makes him mad. And everything he does annoys me.”
“Well, the Chance factor came into your equation,” Sunny said, wiggling her eyebrows.
I found myself laughing. “The what?”
“I was trying to sound all math-y,” she said with a giggle of her own as the timer buzzed.
Reaching inside the oven, I pulled out the freshly baked cookies and set them on top of the stove to cool.
“But you know what I mean. Chance came into your world and shook it all up.”
“Yeah, but Jared and I weren’t getting along way before Chance ever showed up. He just exacerbated the issue, I think.”
“Ooh, big word.”
I rolled my eyes. “Honestly, I just think he made it hard for me to ignore the fact that I haven’t been happy in a really long time.”
“Because, with Chance, you could be?” Sunny asked, her blonde hair falling over one eye, and I stayed quiet as her question rolled around in my head.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Yes, you do. You just don’t want to admit it. Still. Which is annoying because we both know the truth. Now, give me a cookie.” She pursed her lips as I grabbed a paper towel and a spatula.
“What do you say?” I taunted with the cookie in front of her grabby hands.
“Pleeeeeeease,” she said in a childlike voice, and I handed it over.
The thought of ending things with Jared was scary. It might sound dumb from the outside, but I was comfortable in our relationship, even when it sucked. And comfort was a key factor in staying somewhere you no longer belonged. Because it was easier. And because change was hard.
Jared and I both planned on working for my father’s company once we graduated in May. We wanted to move back home to New York and start our successful careers and lives, side by side. We had planned out our futures since we had basically gotten together. Looking back, I could see how innocent we were, convinced that nothing could ever come between us if we didn’t want it to.
But I wasn’t sure I wanted that future anymore. When I looked forward, what used to be so clear was now blurry. Everything I’d promised Jared for years, I wanted to take back. I was mad at myself for being so naive, for assuming that nothing could ever change, especially my feelings for him.
“Just because you have a past with someone doesn’t mean that you owe them your future.”
Chance’s words echoed in my mind, and I tried to force myself into believing them.
Take a Break
Danika
I paced the small space of my bedroom, trying to work up the courage or the nerve to have this conversation with Jared. He was on his way over and would be here any minute.
“Why is this so scary?” I screamed out, knowing that Sunny would hear me wherever she was in the apartment.
Instead of her answering, I heard the sound of her feet running toward me. “Because he’s been a constant in your life for five years. That’s a long time.” I opened my mouth to respond when she sat on the edge of my bed and added, “Plus, you two have a lot of history. Like, a lot of history. That has to make it even harder. Or at least, feel like it makes it harder.”
“I don’t want to make a mistake. Is this a mistake?” I clasped my hands together and looked at her blue eyes.
“If you’re not happy—and trust me, you’re not, and you haven’t been”—she looked almost sad—“then you’re settling. And we are not the kind of people who settle!” she exclaimed as she stood up from my bed. “We don’t settle in love when we could have so much better. Am I right, or am I right?”
I smiled, her words reminding me of the ones my mom had said to me all those years ago. “I don’t want to settle. I just don’t want to be wrong either.”
“You aren’t wrong. Take it from someone on the outside, looking in. Things between you two changed way before you ever realized it.”