“How did she find out?”
He stared up at the ceiling. “When I wasn’t home, the woman I was fuckin’ on the side decided to come knockin’ on our door to introduce herself.”
“Guess that didn’t go well.”
“Bingo. Jen fuckin’ clocked the woman in the face and knocked her out. When I got home, unaware of what I was walkin’ into, got kicked in the fuckin’ nuts, found all my shit burned in the backyard and their bags packed. If she couldn’t have me, she thought nobody else should, either. She stayed with her parents ‘til the divorce, ‘til custody was set.”
So far, Cassie hadn’t kicked him out of her bed, so until she did, he was going to keep talking, lay it all out. Let her form her own opinion about him.
He wouldn’t make excuses.
Jen fucked up. He fucked up.
His kid suffered because of it.
“Funny how my cheatin’ was the final straw for her, not the loveless, sexless marriage we were sufferin’ through.”
“Maybe she loved you. Why else would she trap you?”
“Truth? Think she’s got mental issues. Didn’t know it when I was fuckin’ her ‘cause I never stuck around long enough to notice. But after Ry was born, and we were livin’ together, started to see signs. She was never diagnosed so I ain’t sure. Never was violent or did anythin’ too crazy where I could force her to see someone but had my suspicions. Somethin’ was off, just couldn’t put a finger on it. My priority was Ry. Problem was, she used my cheatin’ against me in the divorce and custody case. ‘Cause of that, got visitation but not any kinda custody, which was bullshit. Have a feelin’ I got fucked there, too. Thinkin’ her father, or someone she knew, had some sorta connection with the judge. ‘Cause not only did I not get custody, that fuckin’ judge allowed her to take him outta state. She went to the west coast and took my son with her. So, there went the fuckin’ visitation I fought for. She claimed she had family out there and Ry would be raised around cousins and shit. Fuck bein’ raised by his father, though, right? Cousins were more important?” His jaw tightened. “Fuck her. She didn’t even think twice about rippin’ my heart right out of my fuckin’ chest and crushin’ it under her goddamn heel. Hated her so fuckin’ bad, had to force myself not to fuckin’ kill her. Because, believe me, it was close. Me endin’ up in prison wasn’t gonna help my son and I swore to never follow in my father’s footsteps like that.”
Though, in some ways he had. With the club and his spot within the club. But he would do everything he could to stay out of prison. He didn’t want Ry to lose his father the same way Judge lost his.
“But you could still see him, right? You were awarded visitation whether he was in PA or not. Am I wrong about that?”
“Never flew on a goddamn plane in my fuckin’ life. Never wanted to. And for me to drive across the country a couple times a year...” He sucked air in through his nostrils. “Did it once. Took almost a week on my sled. She knew I was comin’ ‘cause it was planned and when I finally got out there... She left. Just fuckin’ left.” He could feel his blood pressure rising as he remembered that day. It might have been years ago, but it still felt like yesterday.
“Please tell me it was for an emergency of some sort and not on purpose.”
It had taken everything he had not to fall to his knees on that porch and just lose his mind. He sat there for hours, hoping it had been a misunderstanding.
Deep down he knew it wasn’t. That she’d done it on purpose.
If his son hadn’t lived in that house, he would’ve burned it to the ground. But he refused to lower himself to her level. He had to convince himself to be the better person.
But sitting there alone, he’d gone through every fucking emotion a person could have.
From disbelief, to rage, to disappointment.
He never told anyone, but he sat on that porch and fucking cried like a goddamn baby.
He wanted to know his son and he wanted his son to know him. And he was denied that all because the woman who bore him that son was on an evil power trip.
He had sat there until he got his shit together and, once he did, he went knocking on doors.
“Neighbor said she’d flown to Orlando to take her son on vacation. Her fuckin’ son. She took the son I hardly knew on vacation to avoid me. Damn sure Ry had no idea his father was standin’ on the porch of an empty house dyin’ to see him. Rode all that fuckin’ way. The whole trip, kept in touch with that bitch, too. Told her when I’d get there, so it wasn’t a surprise. She had the whole thing planned. Now that was a damn cunt move.” He drew his hand over his eyes, tamping down that anger. “Never answered one goddamn text or call. She even went so far as to block my number when I blew up her damn phone. Guess she figured eventually I’d give up.”
“You didn’t.”
“Fuck no. Not then, at least. Scared as fuck to fly. But the second time I went out there, got on a plane. Had Deke go with me. Don’t mind two or four wheels, but no wheels ain’t for me. Wasn’t born a bird, was never meant to fly.”
“Fear of flying is a real phobia,” she said softly.
“Know it. But did it anyway. Only puked twice when I flew the fuck out to California. That time I didn’t let her know I was comin’. Kept it a fuckin’ secret. Waited ‘til summer, for the month I was supposed to have him accordin’ to the visitation agreement. Got out there, thought I was finally gettin’ a shot at seein’ my boy and that cunt had us arrested for trespassin’ when we showed up at the door. Told the pigs we tried to hurt her and force our way into the house. Luckily, the charges didn’t stick but by then, the damage was done. By the time we got released, she had time to split town with Ry and I never got to see him.”
“I don’t understand it.”
“Yeah, me neither. It’s just her bein’ a petty bitch.”
“Petty? Oh no, it’s more than that. She trapped you into marriage by getting pregnant. You do the right thing, then realize it’s the wrong thing. That drives you to do the wrong thing and she blames you for everything.”
“Basically. Not blameless in all that shit, though.”
“No, you’re not.”
Judge grimaced. “Like I said, the marriage was bad but that’s still no excuse for what I did. Even so, would let her kick me in the fuckin’ nuts every fuckin’ day just to see my kid, raise him, watch him grow. Got fucked outta all of that.” He closed his eyes because they got that sting in them when he thought about what he missed out on with Ry.
Cassie cupped his cheek and waited. As if she knew he was struggling.
He kept them closed when she traced the tattoo of Henry’s name on his side. She took her time and ran her fingertip around the outline of each letter. She outlined the last two letters of his name twice. Ry.
It wasn’t his choice to name him Henry. It was Jen’s because it was her father’s name. So, Judge never called him that. He made the name his own.
When she was done, she asked, “You don’t talk to Ry at all?”
“She shut me out for the longest time. When he was eight, I mailed out a prepaid cell phone for his birthday so I could talk to him. Know Jen got it ‘cause she signed for the package but no one ever answered it. Now he’s older, I call him for his birthday and Christmas and leave a message. I send a text once a month. I tell him he can call me anytime. He can reach out if he needs anything or just needs to talk. I let him know my address every time I move. I ask him to call me back, to just respond so I know he’s gettin’ the messages.”