We celebrate by going out to a hot club after the game, which I’d normally be down for. When I find myself unenthusiastic, I give myself a stern talking-to. Nothing wrong with having a little fun! So I throw myself into it, tossing back a few drinks and dancing with four different women on the dance floor, the club throbbing with music and light.
Then I feel guilty, which is stupid, because I’m not in a serious relationship with Lilly and she’s probably out with her girlfriends doing the same thing. Probably. Maybe.
We have an optional practice on Wednesday and, despite the late night and the drinks, I make myself go. I don’t want to give Coach any reason to be annoyed with me. Last night, he put me back on the first power play unit with Bergie and JBo, and I fucking scored, so he has to be happy with that and I want to keep it that way. After practice, a bunch of us hit the beach, right across from the hotel we stay at in Santa Monica, and enjoy some sun, sand, and beach volleyball. We do a little shopping, and later we go out for a seafood dinner at a restaurant near the pier.
Sometimes we put all our credit cards in a pile and get the server to pick one and that’s who pays for dinner, but tonight, we’ve decided that the first person who uses the word “dick” will be the one who pays.
I’m not cheap but I am competitive, so I’m determined not to say that word and I’m going to get someone else to say it. “Hey, Russ, what’s happening with your vasectomy?”
His head jerks back and everyone else at the table directs their attention on him.
“You’re getting a vasectomy?” Gunner says. “Whoa.”
“I’m not getting a vasectomy.” Russ glares at me.
“Wow, talk about taking one for the team,” Nate says, ignoring Russ.
“Hey,” Cookie says, smirking. “What do a Christmas tree and a man who’s had a vasectomy have in common?”
I grin at him. “What?”
“Ornamental balls.”
Everyone roars. Except Russ.
“I’m not having a vasectomy!” he shouts.
Other diners at nearby tables turn to look at us.
“Shit,” he mutters, bending his head and rubbing his red face. “I hate you guys.”
We’re all still laughing.
“Wait, I’ve got another one,” Cookie says. “If a bluebird has blue babies, a blackbird has black babies, a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?” He pauses. “A swallow!”
This time the laughter is mixed with groans.
“So, no snip, eh?” I say to Russ.
“You said ‘eh.’ ” Cookie points at me.
He likes to bug me about my “Canadian accent.” I roll my eyes. “I can’t help it.” I turn back to Russ. “Anyway, I heard there’s going to be a global condom shortage. You better stock up.”
“What?” His eyes widen. “Seriously?”
Cookie backs me up. “I heard that too.”
“Oh, man.” Russ looks worried.
Some of the other guys believe me too. “Good thing I just bought a jumbo box,” JBo says.
I snort. “As if you need jumbo condoms.”
“Not jumbo as in size. I mean, like, a large box of them.” He scowls when he realizes I’m yanking his chain and we all laugh.
Dammit, all of that and nobody said “dick.”
A while later, Russ gets up to use the men’s room. I motion to Cookie, seated next to him. Russ left his phone sitting on the table. Cookie grins and slides it over to me. Score! He just used it and didn’t lock it.
The other guys see I’m doing something, but they don’t know what.
I find myself in Russ’s contacts and change the name to Hannah, then return the phone to the table.
Cookie tells another joke and everyone’s laughing as Russ returns.
“What’d I miss?” he asks as he takes his seat.
“This dick,” Cookie says.
Everyone roars and points at him.
“Dinner’s on you!” I’m laughing so hard.
“Well, shit.” Cookie shakes his head.
“Good, good,” Russ says, elbowing Cookie. “Thought maybe I missed something big.”
“Ha ha ha.”
I casually pick up my phone and send Russ the text I already composed. Hey honey, we need to talk. I might be pregnant.
I lift my glass of water and take a sip while watching him pick up his phone when it pings. He reads the message he thinks is from Hannah. His jaw goes slack and his face pales. He swipes a hand across his forehead and mutters, “Shit.”
I swallow my laughter. Cookie turns to Russ. “What’s up, man? You don’t look so good.”
“I…” He swallows. “Hannah says she might be pregnant.”
I slowly shake my head. “See? Shoulda had the big snip.” Then I can’t contain it any longer and burst out laughing. As does everyone else.
Russ lifts his head, looks around, and realizes he’s been had. He throws his napkin at me across the table. I catch it easily, still chortling.
If only the team could be like this all the time. We get along great. We have lots of talented players and some big chemistry. But the tension Coach creates with his temper and abuse isn’t bringing out the best in us. It pisses me off. I hate feeling so helpless to fix something that’s making me crazy.
Lilly
Carlin and I are Christmas shopping at the Columbus Circle Holiday Market, bundled up against the chill, although it’s not a bad day for December. I’ve picked out gifts for Grammy and Mom, Adriana and Maya. Maya’s Muslim and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but the four of us have always exchanged gifts at Christmas. Next week I’m going to pop back to pick up the silver bracelet that Carlin was admiring at one of the stalls.
We stop for something to eat, piling our shopping bags beneath the table as we devour tacos. It’s getting late in the afternoon and with the overcast sky, the little white lights strung with the garlands of greenery twinkle in the low light. It’s so festive and pretty it makes me sigh with pleasure. Also, I love buying gifts for people, and this year I can buy things without the stress of feeling totally broke. I’m making small payments on my debts, so I am guilt free and enjoying picking out just the right things.
“I want to get something for Easton,” I tell Carlin. “But I haven’t come across the right thing. What do you get a guy who can go out and buy an Aston Martin?”