“But why won’t you see reason and go home? You have always been the cleverest and most rational female of my acquaintance. I don’t understand what you are thinking.”
Her gaze stared straight ahead, anger fueled by weariness bubbling inside her. “Why do you pretend not to know? You are the most intelligent and logical man I know. Please stop pretending you don’t see what’s in front of you.”
He jogged until he was in front of her and turned to face her, walking backward. “I always see what’s right in front of me. I have always seen you, Emmeline.”
“Then you see what a disappointment I am to my mother.”
He shook his head, but she saw in his expression that he knew exactly what she was talking about. Just as she knew how little Stratford’s father valued him. Of all the people who might question what she was doing, she had always thought Stratford would understand.
“She loves you,” he said.
“She does, in her way,” Emmeline agreed. “But all my life she has tried to change me, to make me thinner, prettier, more like the daughter she wishes I had been. I do not want to live the rest of my life trying to change myself to make someone else happy.” She’d never actually put her feelings into words before, but as she did, it all became so clear. She wanted to be loved for who she was. She’d always been told, in one way or another, she had to change. Emmeline didn’t want to change. Just because she was not what a few thousand wealthy and titled people deemed to be fashionable, did not mean she should remake herself to please them.
Before she had run away, she had taken a hard look in the mirror. She liked who she saw looking back at her. She liked her contrary opinions, her curvy body, and even her unruly hair. “I just thought that if I could get away for a few years, until I was firmly on the shelf, then I could live as I want. My sisters could marry and have children, and my mother would be able to focus on tasks other than making me into someone I will never be.”
Stratford stopped and held his hands out, locking them around her upper arms. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
“No one does. I’ve never told anyone.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I am telling you. Except I thought you might understand.”
“Do ye need a rest?” Murray called back.
“Yes!” Stratford answered. “Give me ten minutes or so.”
It was she, not he, who needed the respite, but she appreciated that Stratford kept up the ruse that she was not struggling.
“Just wait until we reach the Highlands!” Murray said. “Ye will wish for roads like this.”
Stratford moved off the road, still holding Emmeline’s arm. “Just wait until he passes out,” Stratford muttered. “I’ll make him eat his words.”
“Such a good friend,” Emmeline said.
Pausing under the gently swaying leaves of a tree, Stratford removed his hat. “I am a good friend. Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt? I wouldn’t have dragged you to all those balls.”
She smiled. “I never blamed you. Neither of us had a choice.”
“I had a choice. I just like to keep my mother happy, considering she’s the only parent who can stand the look of me.”
Emmeline sank to the ground under the tree, the weight of the day and her sympathy for him becoming too heavy. “I’m sure your father and mother love you in their own way, but I hope coming after me is not a means to earn their favor.”
He crouched down before her. “Is that what you think?”
She looked away, saw Ines help Murray to sit under another tree on the opposite side of the road.
“No. I think you are here because you wanted to come, but you should go home. I am perfectly safe with Mr. Murray and am in the company of Miss Neves. You can leave me and go back to your own life.”
“What if I don’t want to leave you?” he asked.
She shook her head and blew out an exasperated breath. “I have told you countless times, I am not going home.”
“And I have told you that I go where you go.”
“Why?” She lifted her arms in frustration. “So you can lecture me at every turn?”
“No. So I can do this.”
He reached for her, and though she could have easily moved away, she let him take her into his arms. That was where she wanted to be anyway. And then because she liked the feel of being pressed against him, she pulled him closer. Of course, that caused him to lose his balance and topple forward, toppling them both, she under him as they fell onto the grass under the tree. He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked down at her for a long moment. She knew his eyes would be that beautiful blue she loved. Her own eyes were probably huge because she could feel his weight on her, and it was more satisfying than she could have imagined to have a man splayed on top of her.
“I must stand up,” he said.
She wrapped her hands around his neck. “No.”
“Duncan—”
“Can’t see us behind this tree and wouldn’t care if he could.” She tugged his mouth closer to hers. “What were you saying before? About why you want to stay?”
“I really should show you,” he said.
“Show me.”
Anticipating him, she lifted her lips to his, but this was no gentle kiss. Stratford kissed her hard and thoroughly, effectively robbing her of any semblance of rational thought. She wanted more of his mouth, more of his touch, more of everything.
“Not here,” he said, pulling away, his breath as short as hers. “What am I saying?” He rolled off her, leaving her cold and lonely. “Not anywhere. We cannot do this.”
“Because we are friends,” she said.
“Exactly.”
She rolled her head to look at him. “We could be better friends.”
She saw his throat move as he swallowed. Then he looked away determinedly. “That’s not the only reason. You are an unmarried lady. I cannot—”
“Then why don’t you marry me?”
She didn’t know why she said it. She wished with all her heart she could take it back as soon as the words left her mouth. His expression said it all. He looked shocked and horrified and, well, disgusted at the idea. Emmeline scrambled up. “Forget what I said. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Emmeline.” He was reaching for her, and she jumped to her feet and started away.
“I was not being serious. It was a joke that went too far.” She held out a hand to ward him away. “I need a moment alone.”
“We need to talk about this.”
“There is nothing to talk about. I told you I will never marry, and I especially wouldn’t marry you. Now give me a moment alone to attend to my personal needs.”
At her cutting words, he slowed and finally paused.
“Thank you. A lady needs a few moments alone sometimes.” She pushed her way through some low brush then slid behind a tree and leaned back against the trunk for support. She pressed her hand to her mouth to keep her cries silent as tears ran down her cheeks.
What was wrong with her? Why would she say such a thing? Of course, Stratford did not want to marry her. He didn’t love her any more than she loved him. He just wanted what all men wanted, though he had more honor than most. And she knew what that honor would lead to. He would tell her that he was flattered by her proposal but could not accept. He would explain, oh so gently, that he didn’t love her.