‘I’m going to wake the F up tomorrow and roll the F out of my effing bed, and take an effing hot shower before I effing eat an effing bowl of cereal. Then I’m going to get the F going to my first effing job, then meet my effing amazing boyfriend for an effing good lunch, and then if I’m done with my effing period we might F a few times until we’re effing exhausted.’”
Jackson’s body vibrated with laughter. “Am I the ‘effing amazing boyfriend’ in your little story?”
Ryn kissed along his chest, following the lines of ink. “Maybe.”
“Maybe, huh? I can work with that. So before you went off on your effing tangent, what were you going to tell me?”
Ryn paused, resting her chin on his chest, looking up at him. “I miss my daughter. She’s so stubborn, and naive, and some days even cruel. I see that, I really do. But she’s this huge part of my heart and I can’t be on the other side of this wall that she’s built between us. Maddie’s my child, I love her unconditionally. I would give my life for her, that will never change. So … I’m dropping the restraining order. And if that puts me in danger, then so be it.”
Her eyes filled with tears, but she never stopped looking at him.
“I’m sorry if you think that makes me a bad mom, or a terrible role model, or just a pathetically weak person in general. The day I chose not to get the abortion Preston wanted me to get was the day I chose my daughter. It was my unspoken vow that I would always choose her no matter what. That is the example I want to set for Maddie.”
He brushed his thumb along her freckled cheek, catching her tears. She sniffled with a sad smile tugging at her mouth.
“If we’re over. I get it. I’ll always think of our time as a really long birthday celebration.” Ryn shrugged. “You’ve always felt like a dream anyway.”
He brought his other thumb up, brushing both of her tear-drenched cheeks at the same time. Ryn closed her eyes, biting her quivering lips together.
“Ryn Middleton … do you love me?”
She swallowed through a small sob, squeezing her eyes tighter, setting more tears free. “Don’t do this … please.”
“I’m sorry. I have to do this. I know Maddie owns so much of your heart, so much of your life. But the only way I can know if we’re over is to ask you if you love me. Do you have enough of your heart left to give to me? Will you love our babies with as much of your heart and as fiercely as you love Maddie?”
Another sob.
“If you can answer yes, then we’re never over. I’ve only loved three women in my life. The first gave me life, the second crowded me in the womb, and the third is a hot mess mere inches from my heart right now. And I hope … I might even be praying right now that she says yes because I love her … I love you, Ryn, so effing much.”
Her sobs filled the room as her arms wrapped around his neck, her face buried in it as he held her to him.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.”
Jackson smiled with her confession.
“But you just wouldn’t leave my heart alone.”
He chuckled. “I’ll never leave your heart alone.”
She drew in a shaky breath, bringing her head up to look at him. “I’m so scared.”
His brows furrowed. “What are you scared of?”
“That I won’t be able to give you everything you want.”
“I just want everything you can give me.”
“What if it’s not enough?”
He smiled, bringing her mouth slowly to his. “It already is.”
*
Relentless thoughts robbed Ryn of all sleep, so she eased off Jackson’s chest and slipped out of bed.
She nodded her head to Gunner, who seemed more interested in standing guard at her bedroom door than having an early breakfast. She couldn’t complain. He did exactly what he was trained to do.
“Come.”
He rose to all fours and followed her downstairs. The sun wasn’t even up yet, so she brewed her coffee and fed Gunner a few treats before wrapping up in a blanket on her favorite overstuffed chair with her laptop. Her social media was limited to Pinterest. Facebook and Twitter made Preston’s unscrupulous lurking too easy so she stuck to pinning her dreams on boards.
She had a board for all the renovations she dreamed about doing to her house, none of which she could afford while helping Maddie with her college tuition. Her foodie board had tons of recipes she never made because cooking for one wasn’t worth the time. Vacation boards, book boards, movies, music, poetry, quotes … the only board missing was a Jackson board.
With an evil smile, she clicked the add board button.
Knight, she typed.
Over the next hour she proceeded to add pictures to her new board: Vera Wang wedding dresses, Ed Sheeran song lyrics, tattoos, and eventually she gathered the nerve to add a few photos of baby carriers and stylish pregnancy clothes.
Marriage? Babies? Is that what she said yes to?
Gunner jumped up and took his post at the bottom of the stairs like a security guard as Jackson made his way down. Ryn quickly closed her computer.
“I didn’t know you were a morning person.”
She smiled. “I’m not. I just couldn’t sleep … a lot on my mind.” Her smile faded at him fully dressed. “You don’t have to go. I made coffee and I’ll make you breakfast.”
He stopped a few feet in front of her chair with his thumbs hooked into his back pockets. “I need a run and a shower.”
She nodded. “Can I make you dinner tonight?” Maybe something on her foodie board would actually come to fruition in her kitchen.
His lack of an immediate answer opened the door for doubt to creep into the mind of a woman who struggled to stay afloat in the pool of insanity. Perhaps he regretted something or everything. Setting her computer on the ottoman, she stood, keeping the blanket wrapped around her.
“If you think my cooking sucks maybe you should just tell me now so I can yell at you, nurse my wounded ego for the day, and then we can make up later over takeout.”
He inched his head slowly side to side, a dark look filled his eyes. Ryn recognized it. It was the same look that had led to the roughest sex of her life on several occasions the previous week. It made her heart race like chased prey.
He sucked in his bottom lip and dragged it through his teeth, closing the distance between them. With one firm tug he ripped the blanket from her body. Palming the back of her head he kissed her. Just as she suspected, it was hard, demanding, and bruising her lips as his tongue filled her mouth. His other hand grabbed her ass so hard she whimpered from the pain, but she was too turned on by his kiss to make any further objection.
The moan from deep in his throat coupled with the bruises forming on her ass beneath his fingers led her to believe she could end up on the sofa with his dick shoving her tampon a mile up her vagina. It’s like he had an evil spirit possessing his body, and she wasn’t sure what triggered its presence.
She whimpered into his mouth again and he released her.
He nodded, resting his forehead on hers, completely breathless. “Yes. Dinner. Tonight.”
Ryn blinked, and blinked, and blinked some more as he walked out the door and to his car with a stiff gait, fists clenched.