She was rambling at this point because her words had hit their mark. And not just with me. Just because she and Lucy were married and pregnant now, did not mean their stories were over. And I knew that it haunted them, the pain it took them to get there.
It wasn’t something you just forgot.
“Can we please just change the subject?” I pleaded.
“Gladly. Rosie, are you scheduling a C-Section or doing a natural birth?” Lucy asked.
Rosie widened her eyes. “My hair color is never gonna be natural and neither is the birth. C-Section locked and loaded. Why, are you considering pushing a human out of your body?”
“Women have been doing it for thousands of years, it’s not some horrific act,” I cut in.
“Have you seen birthing videos?” Rosie snapped. “The Conjuring has nothing on the ‘beauty of natural birth.”
And from there, it went on. Because it was Rosie and Lucy and they almost managed to distract me.
Almost.
“I know what I want to do.”
“For dinner?” Lucy clarified, glancing up from her phone. “Thank goodness, otherwise we’d be here forever.”
I smiled. We had been known to take two hours to narrow it down to three different food options, and then we ended up ordering all three.
“Anything but Chinese. Or Mexican,” Rosie interjected. She frowned. “No, wait. What am I, high? No, just pregnant. Mexican is always on the table.”
“No, not for dinner, in life.” I paused. “Well, not life in general, but a job.”
Lucy blinked, her face carefully empty. I knew this look. This was his neutral ‘let’s humor whatever new thing Polly has decided is her calling.’
I didn’t resent it. Because as many boyfriends I’ve had, I had about the same careers. The two were usually mutually exclusive. When I had the boyfriend who wanted to own a farm, I thought I’d make a great alpaca breeder. Or when I briefly—very briefly since he took himself way too seriously—dated a doctor I entertained some Gray’s Anatomy fantasies and decided nursing would be amazing. Each of these new careers were met with that same blank face from both Lucy and my parents.
Rosie had no such reactions. She was grinning wildly. “Oh, can I guess this time?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Lion tamer? No, chef at some raw food shop that doesn’t even cook anything so you just chop and blend vegetables?” She paused. “Wait, you’ve done that. Please tell me it’s something that’ll give me some entertainment and excitement now I’m not able to chase after drug dealers and rapists.” Her eyes were bright and wild like that of a child.
I smiled. “Well, I don’t think this latest profession is going to give entertainment or excitement, I’m sorry to inform you. In fact, kind of the whole point of it is peace and calm.”
Rosie rolled her eyes. “Yes, for anyone else. But it’s you.”
She wasn’t wrong. I was me.
But I hoped she was wrong on this occasion. Peace and calm was exactly what I needed right about now.
“I want to be a yoga instructor,” I said.
Rosie paused, screwing up her nose. “Wait, haven’t you already done that?”
“No, that was a Pilates instructor,” Lucy cut in. “They’re different, right?”
“Yes they are different and no I haven’t already done it,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Rosie asked.
“Reasonably,” I replied.
“Hmmm okay,” she murmured, not sounding convinced.
“That’s great, Pol,” Lucy said, her voice only slightly more convincing than Rosie.
Slightly.
I sighed. “I know that I’ve had as many careers as I’ve had boyfriends, but this is something that feels right to me,” I said. “This is something I’ve put thought into. I love the idea of helping people find peace.”
“I thought it would mainly be about helping housewives finding ways to be more flexible to please their husbands who are already banging their secretaries anyway,” Rosie said, screwing up her nose.
I laughed when Lucy scowled at Rosie with somewhat of a smile in her eye. She was trying to be my protector but also Rosie’s best friend.
“I’m sure there will be some of that,” I agreed. “But once I’m certified, I want to open my own place. Have it be about something other than a social media image and a place to wear Lululemon leggings or whatever. “ I paused. “I just want to create...something that stands for calm. Even when my life stands for chaos. I’ll use Craig’s money.”
Rosie gave me a knowing look. “Or you could use it to hire a hitman. I’d give you the five-finger discount since I’d be the hitman. But you’d still have to pay me because I need a new car. I’m thinking a convertible.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re not killing him.”
She pouted.
“No,” I said to the silent plea.
“Even after he accosted you in a bar?” Lucy asked. “And he ruined two margaritas.”
Obviously she didn’t know that he’d once ruined my face. Because Lucy would’ve actually killed him. I knew that.
“We aren’t talking about him,” I gritted out.
“Okay,” Lucy agreed.
That was too easy.
“We’re talking about Heath,” she amended.
I knew it.
She held her hand up as I opened my mouth. “Before you talk about not being ready or try to brush off what it is that the two of you have, you know that’s impossible now, right? There’s only so much patience we can have on the matter. Two years is our freaking limit. And we’re pregnant, you have to give us what we ask, right?” She looked to Rosie, who nodded.
“Yep, it’s like law or something.”
I raised my brow, my stomach curling in on itself at the knowledge that there was going to be no way to escape this one, because they were right, there was only so long I could keep silent. And I wasn’t certain they wouldn’t resort to waterboarding if I tried to keep them in the dark any longer.
“It’s law to get you pickles and ice cream if you’re craving them,” I tried to stall because I had to gather up the strength. “Not tell you details about my private life.”
Rosie waved her phone. “Um, welcome to the twenty-first century, hippy kid, there are apps for all of our pregnancy cravings. And husbands. So your job, as the aunt to these two, precious, precious children is to spill every sordid detail of your past with Heath. Including girth and tongue talent.”
“My job as an aunt to your precious, precious children is talking about girth and a man’s ability to perform oral sex?” I clarified.
Lucy nodded. “You’re catching on.”
I sighed, long and hard. I couldn’t say that there wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t itching to talk about this. To tell someone, anyone, what I’d kept inside for so long. And the two women in front of me knew me better than I knew myself. Plus, they’d been witness to my many stupid decisions over the years. They cleaned up my messes, and more often than not, made even bigger messes.
Keeping this large part of my life, my identity, from them felt like an ongoing and exhausting deception. And it wasn’t just that Heath was a large part of my identity, it’s what he made me learn about myself. How he taught me that I could be the ugly stepsister in the fairy tale.