I didn’t tell Heath that his presence, his pain was a reason I couldn’t escape mine, even for a second. Because if I did, he’d leave. Even though no one could make him move from my side the first week and it seemed like a physical exertion every time he did it now, he’d leave in a heartbeat if I told him the truth.
Because he cared for me.
I’d been so dumb, so blind to it before because he was so good at acting like he didn’t care about me. But no one put that much effort into an act if they didn’t care.
I was too caught up in my own pain to truly see that.
Or what I’d thought was pain before.
Now I was drowning in pain, getting choked by it, I saw how much Heath cared. How much he loved me. Just in time to see how much that love was torturing him. And if he knew it was torturing me too, he’d leave. And though my mangled, bleeding heart was barely beating, I wasn’t going to completely destroy it with Heath’s absence.
It was selfish of me. So fucking selfish. I needed to push him away. Needed to somehow get him away from me. From the pain my presence, my healing bruises, cuts, and broken soul caused him.
Caused everyone around me.
My parents didn’t know.
That fight had been almost as big as the one about me not going to a hospital. I’d needed a hospital. I knew that. I knew the extent of my injuries. I’d lived them. Every single one was lined up in a neat and tidy list in my otherwise messy mind. The list was long. But I wouldn’t survive a hospital. That clean, stark environment. All sorts of strangers’ hands on me.
No.
I could barely stand the kind doctor who had worked on me in the Greenstone Security office.
She was the only one that knew every single one of my injuries. I couldn’t quite remember how she’d gotten Heath out of the room to examine me. There was shouting. Swearing.
Her voice had stayed calm and constant.
And she’d managed the impossible, to out-stubborn Heath.
So she knew.
And respected my wishes to keep my filthy, tarnished and dirty secret. On the proviso I let her examine me once a week. Let her talk to me.
Heath wasn’t around for that, of course.
No one was.
But the rest of the time, there were people.
Always people.
People I loved.
Adored.
Even Jay turned up.
Heath had not reacted well to the attractive, cold and dangerous man in a suit at the door. I was sure he’d been bracing for some assassin. Even though I knew the danger was gone. In other words, everyone was dead.
That should’ve bothered me more than it did.
But I was still focused on the fact that the danger wasn’t gone. And they couldn’t kill it. Unless they wanted to kill me. Because the danger was inside me, my memories, my waking nightmare.
Hence why I slept so much. To escape the nightmare when I was awake.
And Jay had been affected seeing me. It was a small softening of his eyes, a working of his jaw, but to him, it was everything.
He reached forward and squeezed my hand, ignoring Heath’s clenched fists. I held my breath not to flinch from the touch since I knew what a big deal such a simple touch was to him. And if I showed an inch of discomfort, Heath would be there, trying to protect me with violence. I’d had enough of that.
“I’m sorry, darlin’,” Jay murmured, voice still cold but eyes as warm as they’d ever be.
I’d smiled at him like I smiled at everyone. One hundred percent fake.
“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m okay.”
He inspected me, picking apart the lie with a practiced eye.
He didn’t call me out on it. Just squeezed my hand once more before leaving.
He checked in every day. The calls were brisk, almost businesslike, but damn near warm for him.
And warmth was all around. Chester brought banana cake. It should’ve been funny, the goth kid bringing banana cake he’d baked himself. I’d made it seem like I found it appropriately funny. Laughed and joked with him as he pretended not to be shocked with my bruises and cuts.
But like everything else, it was surface.
My friends came in a steady stream so not once was I alone.
Never.
It was a blessing and a curse.
Because I would’ve thought that seeing the love, the light I had around me would chase away the worst of the demons, when really it invited them in.
Because I couldn’t escape my pain in people’s eyes.
I didn’t tell them to leave, didn’t say no when many of them asked if they could visit. Because I knew that they needed to. For their own peace of mind. Peace was lost for me, but I could give it to the people I loved even if it caused me pain.
It wasn’t broadcast, my kidnapping and...everything else. But good news traveled fast, bad news traveled everywhere. Luckily, my parents were switched off to our L.A. lifestyle and news had been carefully kept from them. Lucy understood this, better than anyone, but she didn’t like it.
We’d agreed we’d tell them an extremely sanitized version of the story when I was healed enough. That Craig had lost it and hit me then disappeared.
They would not know the ugly truth.
No way would they ever know that.
I would do everything in my power to make sure no one knew that. Even Heath. Especially Heath. But he saw more than everyone else. So he’d see soon. I’d be unable to hide soon. I had to stop it before it got to that point. But I couldn’t. His was the only touch that I could handle without wanting to throw up. Because he seemed to know that I couldn’t handle a lot of it. Even though he didn’t know the real truth. If he did know, I’d know, because the pain on his face would be something more than was already there.
He didn’t know that, he knew that he needed to be careful touching me too much, even though he needed to. I’d seen him reach for me multiple times, down the street, in the car and then snatch his hand back right before he made contact as if he’d seen the way my skin prickled with revulsion. With fear.
Not from him, from the shadows, the demons crawling underneath it.
Before, I’d been a touchy person. Expressive about my love. Even our short time together had shown Heath that.
But he understood that something inside me had been fundamentally changed and that wasn’t me anymore. I knew that he expected this to be temporary, like my cuts and bruises.
It was not.
I felt temporary. But also horribly permanent in this temporary state.
And Heath was the only one who made me feel real. Falling asleep in his arms every night, waking up to his eyes, his scent every morning.
And he hadn’t pushed me for anything more.
He laid his mouth on mine gently, closed mouth kisses when I knew he couldn’t stop himself. I fought against pleasure and revulsion as he did so.
But that was it.
He didn’t push.
For whatever reason, I was glad. Because if he pushed, then he’d know. He couldn’t know. Which was why I needed to make him leave before he found out. I wasn’t strong enough to push him away because I wasn’t strong enough to be without him just yet.
I needed to figure that out.
“I come bearing gifts,” Rosie said, jerking me back into the present and proper wakefulness.
I sat up and hastily put on a smile that I hoped wasn’t wonky. The last thing I needed was Rosie to take on my demons. She had plenty of her own, they were quiet now, and no way was I going to be the reason her life got loud again.