“She always liked to look put together, head to toe. It wasn’t until the end of the day when she would come home and kick off her heels that I really recognized her. I used to think that was the signal that she was morphing from director of the board to mother.”
“I bet she’s a firecracker.”
“Usually,” Clara said. And then for some reason, “She cried the day I left. To fly out here, I mean. She’s used to having me an hourlong train ride away.”
Chirping crickets filled their silence.
“She wouldn’t even drive me to the airport. Said I was being selfish, leaving her alone.” Clara took a deep breath. “I think she was scared. My family’s been through a lot, and my mom has always borne the brunt of it. Cleaned up other people’s messes. I promised her she’d never have to worry about me, but then I woke up one day and everything in my life was disposable. Nothing was mine.”
“So you came out here.” Josh handed her a new image. Another shot of her and Everett, though this time from senior year of high school. Clara recognized the yellow dress and the sunburn on her nose from senior week.
Everett’s arms and legs had filled out. He looked like a boy on the cusp of becoming a man. They sat on the hood of the Wrangler, waiting for graduation rehearsal to start. “It always ate at me,” Clara said. “My mom got to choose her life, but I never once asked for what I wanted.”
Josh propped his elbows up on his knees and sank his chin between his hands. “I didn’t realize that you’d been gone on Everett that far back.”
Clara nodded. “As long as I can remember.”
The line between his brows grew deeper. “I don’t get it.”
“What do you mean?” The idea of wanting someone who didn’t want you back? She had no trouble believing that Josh had never encountered that situation.
“You and this guy. Is it the butt-chin? The good family name? The inheritance?”
“No.” Clara pushed her heavy hair off her neck. “Or I don’t know. I guess none of those things hurt, but I think the real answer is simpler than any of that.” She shook her head as the truth sank in. “I think I’ve wanted Everett for so long because he always held his love just out of arm’s reach.”
Josh fiddled with the sleeve of his shirt, avoiding her eyes.
“I was always looking for the right light switch. That one moment that would make him see how good we could be together. My life is built around rhythms and routine. Chasing Everett became familiar. Comfortable. No one would worry about me with Everett on my arm.”
Beside her, Josh’s shoulders tensed.
“God. That sounds so pathetic. I moved across the country, away from my family, my friends, and Everett barely saw me. Even when I was standing right in front of him.” Her stomach swam with shame.
Josh shook his head. “You really have no idea, do you?”
Clara lowered the photo and brought her hand to her temple. “What?” She couldn’t decide if she wanted a stiff drink or fourteen hours of sleep.
Josh stood up and began to pace across the porch. His shoes struck the wood with each jerky movement until he balled his hands into fists and planted his feet. “Fuck.” She worried for his scalp when he ran his hand through his hair with alarming force. His chest rose and fell under his T-shirt.
“Listen, I can’t think of a polite way to tell you that if that guy”—Josh pointed at the photo of Everett where it lay on the ground—“doesn’t drop down on his knees and beg to fuck you, he’s a moron.” He threw up his hands. “If he doesn’t wake up every morning and pray for the privilege of kissing you and touching you, and God, just looking at you, then something within him is deeply deranged.”
Clara’s mouth fell open. Every sound except Josh’s voice faded away.
“Clara.” Some of the darkness in his gaze receded. “If Everett can’t see that you are epically, painfully beautiful, and so sexy”—he closed his eyes as if in pain for a moment—“that I practically rub myself raw thinking about the way your mouth moves, then he’s the one who’s pathetic and he’s making the biggest mistake of his miserable life.”
chapter twenty-six
THE TRUTH HUNG in the air between them, and for a moment Josh knew both glory and triumph. Admitting the depth of his attraction to Clara, challenging her misconceptions about herself, made him feel like the tight band that had been wrapped across his chest for the past few weeks had finally been snipped.
But then that moment ended and he had to live in the aftermath of his words. As he took in Clara’s enormous eyes, he realized he might have made a mistake. With a handful of clumsy, impulsive sentences, he’d unleashed a new reality. Had done the exact thing he’d sworn not to do. All of the stolen glances and lingering touches he and Clara had diligently skirted addressing rearranged themselves inside an alternative narrative: one where she knew he wanted her beyond physical desire.
Naomi would have him for breakfast when she found out about this. Impassioned speeches definitely counted as “funny business.”
To his credit, he’d tried to avoid Clara, actively worked to create distance while he craved closeness. Hell, he’d even considered trying to sleep with someone else. To take the edge off. Unfortunately, the idea of other women made his balls threaten to curl up inside his body.
Maybe everything wasn’t ruined. He’d merely defended her against slander. Friends did that for other friends all the time. Of course, most friends probably could have accomplished the task without multiple references to their genitals.
So he’d gotten a bit carried away. The idea that Clara wasn’t desirable, wasn’t inherently lovable, made him irrationally furious. Josh didn’t claim extraordinary intelligence, but Everett Bloom was a first-degree fool.
Even in the oversized T-shirt and ratty boxer shorts she currently had on, Clara took his breath away. These days, the only part of her body that didn’t make him hard was her chin.
Clara moved her mouth a few times, shaping different letters that didn’t make it past her lips.
“What are you thinking?” His confession left him cracked open and bleeding at her feet.
“You’re saying you want me?” The words trembled in the night air.
Shit. He’d hoped beyond hope they might avoid direct confirmation. The site was set to launch in less than a week. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Naomi had a point about his track record. But what could he do? Lie? Tell Clara no? That when he said he got off most nights thinking about her he’d meant it metaphorically?
“I definitely want you. But to be clear, I’m not asking for anything here. I know you don’t think about me like that.” Clara might find him sexy, but she’d never consider actually dating him. At least she hadn’t asked him if he was in love with her. He’d never been any good at lying.