Ollie pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head slowly.
He couldn’t look at me.
Please, look at me.
“Mia, that’s not with this is.”
I was shaking my head now.
He pressed his back against the bookshelf and tilted his chin to face me. “Do you know how hard it was for me to not run after you yesterday? I wanted to, Mia. After finding out, I still wanted to run after you, and the only reason I didn’t was because it wouldn’t be fair. I was still angry, and I needed to think. But then I couldn’t even think straight. Not without you near me.
“Ollie—”
He raked his hand through his hair. “No, let me finish. I have to get this out, alright?”
I nodded.
“So, when I went to your room and saw you still hadn’t come back, I felt sick about leaving you like that and walked outside to get you. I just know what we have is stronger, Mia. For fuck’s sake, I can’t picture you with anyone, not even my brother. I’m not in denial. I know what happened, but I can’t bring myself to picture it. What happened with you two should be making me sick right now. It should be haunting me, but I can’t fucking see it because I’m yours, Mia, and you’re mine, and that’s all I’ll ever know and see.
“Last night confirmed it for me. I didn’t want to hear your explanation at the time. I didn’t want to say something stupid I didn’t mean. I only wanted to feel what we have. I wanted to make sure you being with him didn’t taint that fucking feeling, and it didn’t. Not for me, anyway.” Ollie exhaled and closed his eyes. “I should have told you he worked here, but the only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to keep the two of you separated. I didn’t want him finding out about you and I didn’t want you confronting him. I couldn’t take the chance.” Ollie moved my trembling hand from my lap to the back of his neck. “Jake said you were throwing up …”
I moved my head rapidly from side to side. “Only because I hurt you … I hurt you in the worst possible way, and it made me sick to know I was the one who did that to you.”
Ollie drew in a shaky breath and ran a palm down his face with his empty hand. “Remember, I told you nothing worth it would be easy?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Things will get difficult, but nothing is going to change the way I feel for you. I won’t allow it. My heart won’t allow it. Every breath I take is wasted if you aren’t in my life, and I know my brother, Mia. My brother doesn’t walk away from a girl. My brother gets a slice of something, and he doesn’t stop …” Ollie’s eyes fell on mine, tears falling, and he did nothing to wipe them away. “He hasn’t stopped with you, has he? That’s the reason for your panic attacks?”
My mind couldn’t wrap around what was happening. Ollie was looking past this. He wasn’t allowing it to come between us. He was more concerned about my panic attacks. “He said no one would believe me,” my voice rasped out.
I don’t deserve him.
“I would’ve believed you. All you had to do was talk to me.”
“You would have done something stupid to jeopardize your future.”
Ollie swiped his eyes across his sleeve. “Dammit, Mia. What has he done?” He looked up again, more tears gathering. “How long has this been going on?”
My eyes were dry, and my lips cracked. The insides of my nose burned along with the ongoing ache in my chest. All my mental strength was completely depleted. “The last time I … was with him in that way …” I couldn’t even say the word, afraid to break him even more. “Was before you and I had ever kissed. He was only the trainee at the time. Then, when I got back from psych, he came on to me, and I tried pushing him away.” I moved my head back and forth frantically. “He says he owns me. He would have his way with me, and no one would believe me. He taunts me in the halls, and he shows up in my dorm. He waits for me when I walk out of the shower. Ollie, I’m terrified of him and what he’s capable of …”
“Has he touched you?”
“Ollie …”
“Answer me, Mia. Has he touched you since we kissed?”
“Yes, but he threatened to take me away from here. He threatened to send me to the mental institution. Said he read my file. First, it was over clothes, but each time he takes it a little further. I tell him, no, Ollie, I tell him to stop.” When I thought I had no tears left, more found their way down my cheeks and into my hands. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
Ollie pulled me over his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “I’ve got you. I told you, I’ll never let you go through anything alone, alright? Fuck. I knew you were suffering, but I thought I was helping you get through it. I thought it was your past. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m so sorry I failed you.” He lifted my head from his neck and wiped his thumbs under my eyes. “It’s you and I, alright?”
I nodded before he pulled me close again.
Somehow, we walked out of the library stronger than stone. For so long, I had allowed my past to brew inside me. I’d let it dictate me, control me, let me become a cynic of the world and the people in it. And yes, life was cruel, and people were vicious, but if you never took your guard down, you would be blinded to the beauty and how people could surprise you.
And people would surprise you.
Ollie had surprised me; all I’d had to do was step outside my comfort zone, and it was scary as hell. I wondered if I would have appreciated his light if I hadn’t been through the dark. And the funny thing was, I would never know. But what I had learned was it wasn’t about what had happened in your past. It was how you let it affect you. There would be dark with the light, good with evil, lose with the win, and love with hate. How could you appreciate when you were up if you’d never felt the pain of the down? Each moment, beautiful or ugly, was never a wasted moment. Each moment was there to mold you: a lesson.
A purpose.
I accepted my past with my head held high, because it had led me here, and there wasn’t any other place I’d rather be.
“New Year’s Eve fireworks through the window at midnight, mate? What do you say?” Isaac asked Ollie in the community bathroom after dinner. Standing under the shower head, washing the soap out of my hair, I listened as Isaac, Bria, and Alicia made plans for tonight. Jake was in the stall beside me, singing “Pony.”
“No, not after what happened the last … I don’t know, every time we all get together drinking. Fuck. No,” Ollie slowly said after turning off the faucet. Through the mirror’s reflection, Ollie noticed a gap in my curtain, turned, and closed it.