Enough. A sense of nausea rises inside. I can’t hear any more. Because I have no idea who or what to believe. Does Gramps really believe all this? I can’t even ask him. But that’s not the point. I must think about what I believe, how I feel about it. And I’m just so very confused.
Because Ari does not come across as a liar . . .
So what on earth am I meant to be thinking right now? I feel like I can’t breathe; I just want all this to go away.
His eyes lock on to mine. “Please believe me; I did not set out to deceive you or anyone. Your grandfather thought it best that I didn’t reveal my true identity to you. You were not ready yet, he explained. Do you still want me to stay on, once we reach your grandfather’s cottage?”
Oh, Gramps . . . Why didn’t he just have more faith in me and trust me? Why did he never tell me he knew Anthropoids—that he’d befriended some? I recall his words back at the hangar as we said our goodbyes:
Please understand that whatever I do, it’s only with your survival and success in mind. . . . You will find your father, and I know he would want to explain things to you himself. As much as I want to speak to you about some matters, it isn’t my place.
I nod as I hear the words again. I know Gramps has my best interests at heart; I can feel that. I just wish he’d told me everything. And what does he mean about Papa explaining things to me? Is Papa also friendly with Anthropoids? Has my whole life been one big lie?
I realize Ari’s waiting for an answer.
Do I want him, an Anthropoid, on board with me?
“I don’t know. . . . I’ve no idea about anything anymore.”
I wring my hands and try to focus. Do I still want him with me? Back at the Den it meant everything to hear he wanted to stay until we found Papa. Now I find out he’s one of them. I don’t know what to think. I had set off on my own. I had full faith in myself. Why should that change? Once we get to the cottage and I know what I’m doing next, I’ll— I gasp.
“Leyla?”
“The information we downloaded, I never asked Oscar to check it. Oscar!”
The Navigator appears, straightening his olive velvet waistcoat. “You called, my dear?”
“I’m transferring some data to you right now, Oscar. Please scan it for any link to Papa and tell me the moment you stumble on something.”
The Navigator nods, receives the information, and disappears again.
Ari watches me and I realize I never answered him.
“What does it matter to you that my papa’s found?”
Though I never say, Why would an Anthropoid care about a human? it’s clear from the muscle that tics along his jaw in response that he knows what I mean. I don’t care.
More silence. Finally, I gesture to the water outside. “Why did you risk getting caught out there in the water, especially when it was crawling with the Blackwatch?”
“Everyone fled when the place was attacked. There was nobody left to release the vessel from its moorings. There wasn’t enough time to go back and try to break into the workstation; if we hadn’t left when we did, you’d never have got out of there. The Blackwatch always have backup coming. I knew I could free the anchors manually, so I used the moon pool.”
I try not to imagine him dropping into the darkness like that, but the images are unstoppable, vivid and terrifying. I nod and my throat starts hurting again.
The Navigator appears, and I jump up in anticipation. “Tell me, Oscar.”
“There is but a single mention of Hashem McQueen on the information transferred, my dear lady. His name and coordinates. I have already passed the references on to your good self.”
“Well? What’s the location, Oscar?”
“The coordinates point to the Far North, my dear.”
North. At last, some direction. “That’s great, thank you, Oscar.”
The Navigator bows with a flourish. “Indeed, I have nothing to declare but my genius.”
I hasten to my maps, rummage through them, and flatten one out on the table.
Ari folds his arms, and when he speaks, his voice is so low it’s barely discernible. “I would dive to the bottom of the deepest rift for my family. I understand why you need to find your father, Leyla. I am a human being. We are exactly like you in every way, except we can survive out there. I think you will need me with you.”
A human being.
I rub my arms, knowing he is right about at least one thing: I will need him. I wouldn’t be here now if he’d not set off on this journey with me. He has only helped us, and more than once. But to continue on with him, knowing what he is? Can I even do that?
Put Papa first.
At last I nod, though reluctantly. “If you’re sure,” I say quietly, following the coordinates on the map I have open before me.
I tap the map before shifting my gaze to the water.
“I am certain,” he says.
All right, then? I wish my hands would stop quivering.
“Oscar? Please register those coordinates you sent me and instantly adjust our route accordingly.”
The Navigator tilts his head as he reads the new route for the Kabul. “Oh I say, a new trajectory! My dear, we are no longer to head for King’s Lynn?”
I press my lips together; Grandpa isn’t going to be too happy about my not being at the cottage, but I must do this. And if Gramps can go with his gut instincts and decide I’m not ready for truths, then I can go with mine and determine my next move myself.
Pushing my shoulders back, I hold Ari’s careful gaze for a moment before glancing away into the water.
“No, Oscar,” I say, my voice steady and low. “We aren’t. Take her all the way north.”
The intricate detail of the arches in the viewport is magnificent; I trace the patterns as I sip my cup of tea in between yawns. The vessel plows through the early morning blue-green waters. Faint natural light trickles through the depths. The current is choppy and waves heave over the sub as it cuts through the endless environment, the propeller back to optimum performance.
Soon we’ll be halfway across the country. Jojo’s almost back to her stellar self, playing with the unattainable juicy bone as the projection teases her. I managed to wash her last night and change her dressing. The wound is healing nicely, thank goodness.
I hope Gramps isn’t worrying. Whatever decisions he’s made so far, I have no doubt they’ve always been, as he said, with my best interests at heart. I can feel that in my bones.
Ari.
All I’ve ever wanted is to know the truth. No matter what. No matter how difficult or complicated something is, I’ve always believed a starting point for fixing it would be to have the whole bloody truth. Not knowing has always seemed worse. But . . . ever since I’ve found out Ari’s one of them, I wonder if I’ve been wrong. If it might not have been better that I didn’t know. Because this feeling since spotting him in the water yesterday is too much. I forget for a moment and then suddenly it comes rolling back, hitting me with full force and engulfing me to the point where I question what I’m doing, if I’m out of my mind traveling with him, and if I shouldn’t just ask him to leave.
A team of square-shaped eco-bots drifts on the current outside, their lights blipping away as they gather environmental information. Several plaice bob along with them, and the group drifts on past the viewport.