I pulled off my mask too, slowly, figuring that having him see the whites of my eyes as we spoke was going to be the only way to get through to him and appeal to his better nature.
“But, surely even you can see that this isn’t the way to go? You’re better than this. Do you think you can just shoot a person and walk away? You can’t. You have way too much heart for that. You think this will free you, give you closure? It won’t. You’ll be weighed down even further than you already are, by more guilt. And remorse. And regret.”
I took a few steps closer to him, walking slowly and deliberately, keeping my hands up, the way I’d had them since he’d drawn the weapon.
“Fox?” I turned back to look at Rose as her jaw dropped in disbelief.
“Surely you’d connected the dots by now?”
“I... I don’t know. Maybe... But you’re...”
“Not a fat, geeky, bespectacled kid anymore? Funny how the death of the person I loved most in the world focused my mind on no longer being the victim. I totally believe that people should be free to be whoever or whatever they want to be, but losing Jules because we dared to do exactly that confirmed what I already knew... society doesn’t work like that. Correction... society doesn’t work like that without a fight. Unfortunately, that fight left me when the other half of my heartbeat blew his own brains out.”
“You just look... I mean you seem different.”
“Well, I’m not a scared fourteen-year-old anymore, so there’s that. I left that camp determined to turn my life around. I was never going to be the kid who’d rather tie a knot in his dick than use the restrooms at school again. That version of me... Justin, died when Jules did. I changed schools, as you know, and from day one, I walked tall—not actually tall, as I was still a short-ass at that point—prepared to fight anyone to the death who even dared look at me sideways.” I remembered that kid so well.
“Funnily enough, most people gave me a wide path. Nobody knew my history, but I guessed they could smell the crazy a mile away. All except Kane. He brazened it out, pretty-much seeing through my tough-guy routine, and—”
“And I’ve been calling you on your shit ever since, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. Whatever you’re thinking and feeling in this moment, this isn’t you. You’re so much bigger and better than this. If you kill her, do you think you’re going to be able to just pick up your life like nothing ever happened, all the while living each day with blood on your hands?”
“She manages it just fine.” He motioned to Rose with his chin.
“That’s different.”
“The hell it is. She has Jules’s blood on her hands, and here she is, living her best fucking life. Well, she was, at least.”
“Listen, I know what she did, and what she was involved with was despicable, and abhorrent, and ultimately, the group of hateful, spiteful, spoiled rich kids should have been punished at the time; of course they should have. But you have to see that it’s not the same as what you’re doing here. She was part of a group of cruel and thoughtless children who taunted you and your brother to the point where he would rather have ended his life than return to school after summer camp, but she didn’t specifically and deliberately set out to kill him. Nor did she do so with her own hands.”
I just kept reminding myself that Fox was a rational and reasonable person at heart. At least, the person I knew was. He was a scientist, for God’s sake. I figured that if I plied him with reason and logic, he’d eventually see sense. Well, that was the hope, anyway.
“There were a lot of factors that led to Jules pulling the trigger that day,” I continued. “You’ve said so yourself more than once, and you have a trust fund full of compensation from the camp because of negligence over his access to the rifle in the first place. But of all those factors, she didn’t premeditate and plan his death. Nor did she pull the trigger.”
“She might not have, but that doesn’t absolve her from responsibility. She needs to pay, they all do.”
“And you think exacting your own murderous retribution is the answer? They say two wrongs don’t make a right for a reason. No situation exemplifies that fact more than this one.”
“You fucking moron.” Fox looked at me as though I’d had a lobotomy. “They say two wrongs don’t make a right to stop elementary school kids fighting in the playground. And maybe it’s true, but in this instance, it will make things right.”
“You can’t truly believe that? Pull that trigger, and you’re no better than she is. Worse, actually.” I hoped with every fiber of my being that my words got through to him, before he did something we’d all regret.
“You can’t truly believe that?” Fox threw my words back at me. “That’s your dick talking. Besides, who said anything about me pulling the trigger? That’s not my plan, and never was.”
“So...?”
“So I’m going to put her in the same situation Jules was in, and force her to make the agonizing decision to pull it herself. Funny story…I even tracked down the exact same make and model of hunting rifle he used, for that truly authentic touch.”
“C’mon man, this is crazy. She was a kid; she’s clearly not that person now. We all change, and grow, and develop with age—you know that more than anyone. Look at who you were then, compared to who you are now. Don’t you think she’s changed as well?”
“Maybe she has, maybe she hasn’t, but you know who definitely hasn’t...? Jules. He didn’t get to develop from that awkward, bullied child to the brilliant man I know he would have been. That opportunity, that choice was stolen from him, by her.” His anger didn’t seem to be dissipating any, now that we were eye-to-eye.
“But you know what?” It was a rhetorical question, so I let him carry on without interruption. “You’re right. I’ve changed because I had to. Because when my world shattered around me, and everything I knew and loved was gone—my brother, my parents’ marriage, and my mom’s sanity—I was forced to grow up overnight. I had to change to survive.” His anger didn’t seem to be dissipating. In fact, if anything, it was building. Shit.
“And you know what else?” He continued. “The core of someone’s personality is set from birth and doesn’t change over time. Sure she’s calmer and more softly spoken now. Sure she seems to be kinder and more considerate of others, but that’s because she’s older and mellower, and maybe she’s learned how to come across in a more likable way, but underneath, she’s the same old Tabitha she always was.”
“That’s not—”
“No. He’s right.” We both turned to look at her, and again, it was as though we’d forgotten she was there. “I haven’t changed. I’m still the same shy, fearful, naturally nerdy girl trying to make it through, hoping that nobody will notice that I’m a total fucking fraud.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? You were the biggest mean girl at Hartford. Now you’re telling me it was all an act? If you expect me to believe that, you’re a total fucking sociopath.”
“I don’t expect anything, I’m just telling you like it was. Like it is, I mean. I know what I did, I know what you saw, and what it looked like to the outside world, but I promise you, it’s not what you think. Charlie made me—”