“Yes.” He thought about it, looking for the right words to give back to his boy because it wasn’t about whether or not he got it. It was about whether or not he got Troy. “It’s part of what you’ve been deprived of all this time—the opportunity to serve. You want the pain to be in service of something. It needs to serve a purpose.”
“Purpose. Yes. Yes, exactly.” Troy waved his hand along his body. “This? This is purposeful. Geoff cares about it. I care. It’s not the best answer, but it’s an answer.”
“No, but it’s at least a beautiful one.” He nodded to Troy. “Okay, I’m with you on all of that. Tell me about Arnie.”
“What?” Troy stared at him for a second. “Are you sure? I don’t want to cause you worry…”
“Boy. You safeworded because you needed to bring up Arnie. What did you want to tell me?”
“He was very physical, but there were rules—we were in the closet in the deepest way. I never got to explore anything that left marks anywhere because we were in the locker room so much.” Troy pulled away a little bit. “I know you don’t approve of this, but… Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I was trying to be faithful to him, maybe I was paying him back at first, by getting marks. It wasn’t about pain at first, and I don’t know what it is now. No one’s ever asked.”
Troy stopped suddenly, like someone turned off a faucet. “And I obviously have diarrhea of the mouth.”
“Troy.” Saul turned on the sofa to face the boy and took his hands. “You’re all grown men. It’s not my place to approve or disapprove. And obviously, I didn’t have all the details and was drawing my own conclusions. Do I like it? Not really. I’d like you to not… work with Geoff like you have been anymore. If it’s important enough to you that you will resent me for making you stop, I’ll talk with Carter and we’ll figure something out that might satisfy everyone involved. Okay? But I need you to be honest with me. Flat out honest. About all of it.”
“Right now I’m hurting and wanting you. I’m not ready to make big decisions. Hell, there’s only my cock and my ass left.”
Not that that had stopped them today. He knew very well Geoff would continue to overlay if Troy wanted him to. But his boy needed a break right now. “Can we resume, then? You called this time out. I need to you tell me you’re ready.”
“I am. Thank you for hearing me, Sir. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome, boy. Thank you for trusting me with your safe word. Can I stay the night? I know you have to get up early, so I get it if… but I’d like to.”
“I would love that.” The response was gratifyingly quick.
“Oh, good.” Saul smiled. “Clean up here so you can take me upstairs, boy.”
“Yes, Sir.” Troy put the pizza box in the trash and rinsed out their glasses. “Did you want water for upstairs?”
“I would, thank you.” He stretched as he stood. “I think my skeleton is back.”
Troy chuckled softly, shot him a grin, and brought him a bottle of cold water. “Are you ready, Sir?”
He had plans. “A better question might be, are you?” He gestured for the boy to lead the way.
“Yes, Sir.”
Oh, he was going to have to remember to make Troy lead the way. The view was… inspirational.
12
Lord have mercy, what a day.
Troy couldn’t decide whether he wanted to beg Saul to love on him or to just hide in the bathroom and try to figure out what the hell was going on. He kept telling himself he’d seen this with the guys—the missteps, the nerves, learning what was what.
Right now all the telling in the world didn’t make him feel less like a newbie.
Troy headed upstairs, grateful as fuck that he’d changed his sheets this morning.
“Strip off your shorts, please.” Saul walked past him into the room and glanced around. “If I want to leave some light on, should you close the shades? Or do people not peep around here?”
“You can’t see through the glass, Sir. No one can see.” He loved it, because he walked around naked as a jaybird a lot.
“No way, really?” Saul walked right up to it and looked out into the night, seeming even younger than twenty-five, a big smile on that baby face. “Cool. They can’t see in at all? For real?”
“When I bought the place, Geoff and I spent a good five minutes making faces at Carter while he watched downstairs. I’m pretty sure…”
Saul laughed, the sound clear and happy, and headed his way. “You two are funny. So, boy, go over and face the window, hands on the glass, legs a little wider than your hips. Be comfortable. Let me know if it bothers your ink.”
“Yes, Sir.” He headed over, staring out into the night. He positioned his legs first, spreading his toes wide and planting himself into the floor. His arms were a little more of a challenge, but he found a position that didn’t pull or wrinkle his skin too much.
Behind him, Saul was puttering around messing with different combinations of lighting. The room went dim, but not dark. “Take some deep breaths. Close your eyes for a minute if you want to. Relax, let yourself just be. I want to try to get your head clear. Don’t worry, we’re not going to work too hard, I know you’re tired.”
Troy understood this on a cellular level. He breathed into his belly, letting himself relax and be empty.
Saul stepped up behind him and rested hands on his shoulders at first and then slid them lower, warm fingers finally settling on his hips. “Good boy. I’m going to give you a word, and you’re going to give me one back. It doesn’t have to be the first thing that comes to mind, it doesn’t have to be quick at all. Take your time. Understood?”
“Yes, Sir. I hear you.” That he could do. No problem.
Saul’s hands were solid on his hips, their bodies close enough his Master barely had to speak above a whisper. “Service.”
“Mmm…” That was easy, and he didn’t have to hesitate. “Care.”
“Lovely, thank you.” Saul stepped even closer. “Bondage.”
So many words buzzed through him that he smiled. Release. Leather. Ease. Ropes. Struggle. Peace. Surrender. Oh, that one was fine. Just fine. “Surrender.”
“Good. Submission.”
Oh, that was a bit of a challenge. Submission. Christ. It meant so much, but it had been so long. He thought about that rush of emotion, that sinking rush of… “Need.”
“Need.” Saul’s voice was still quiet, but somehow more intense.
Troy nodded, not quite sure if Saul needed another word or not but offering one anyway. “Hunger.”
An arm slipped around his waist as Saul closed the space between them. “Pain.”
The connection of their skin made him moan, and his toes curled. There were so many levels to that word—from the burn of his ink to the soul-deep tearing when he lost Arnie. He’d known a lot of hurts, from little stings to the kinds a man might not come back from. They’d all taught him a lesson, some more than others. “Lessons.”