He blinked, trying to figure out what Troy was getting at. “There’s all kinds of love, baby. I trust you.”
“Good.” Troy took a deep breath, then nodded. “I’ll start the dishes and bring out the apple pie.”
“Wait.” He pulled his boy in close for a kiss. “Is this what you want? Once a month with Geoff?”
“I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Jesus. What was Troy so afraid of? “With the truth, boy. There is no other answer. Don’t make this so hard. I need to know everything or I am no use to you.”
“What I have with Geoff, it’s not sex. It sounds so fucking awful, to say we were giving each other what we needed, but we were, and it wasn’t shitty. It was love. It could get out of hand sometimes, because we were both so into it, but…”
“What does ‘out of hand’ mean?”
“Sometimes, like the last time, it was too long a session, too deep, but I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted to stay where I was.”
“Yeah, the last time was brutal. You were a wreck. But it was something you said you needed, that you’d established with Geoff…”
He watched his boy, so unsettled and tense despite all the good their session had done them both, and decided he’d better just say what was on his mind.
“Listen, Troy. Whatever it was you had with Geoff, with Carter, you don’t owe anyone an apology for that. You don’t need be ashamed or worried about how I feel about it. I wasn’t around. It’s not my business, okay? But I’m around now, and I want you to get everything you need. If you need that time with Geoff, that headspace, it’s okay. I will make sure you get it. I’m not a tattoo artist, so we have to go to Geoff for that. If you needed a bull whip or something we’d have to find someone for that too. This isn’t a problem, and it isn’t hurting my feelings.”
He made sure he had Troy’s eyes. “But it can’t get like that again. Carter and I need to monitor you both. That’s all. And please don’t get hung up on sex. Scenes get intimate sometimes, that’s the nature of the beast. It’s not a betrayal of any kind.”
“Shit, lover. Getting hung up on sex is how I was raised.” Troy pushed into his arms, a soft sigh in the air. “I feel… spoiled. And I feel like someone told a secret.”
“Yeah. You told me one, finally. Thank you.” He gave Troy a squeeze. “I’ll send Geoff in to help with the dishes, and then you can bring out the pie when you’re ready. Okay?” That would give the boys a minute to talk and he and Carter a minute to put their heads together. He let Troy go after one more gentle kiss. “I love you. Bring ice cream with the pie.”
“Yes, Sir. I love you.” Troy shot him a smile and turned toward the kitchen. His boy looked more relaxed, easier in his skin. Hopefully, Troy would feel even better after a chance to connect with Geoff.
“All good out here? Carter, can I borrow your boy to help Troy with the dishes?” He grabbed his beer off the table as he sat down. “And then we’ll have some of that pie.”
“Of course you can.” Carter tweaked one of Geoff’s nipples. “Go help. Troy will need you now.”
He winked at Geoff and said thank you as the boy took off for the kitchen, sipped his beer, and set it down on the table with a sigh. “Okay then.”
“I assume yours had a flutter like mine?” Carter seemed relaxed, unconcerned.
“Is that what you call it?” He grinned at Carter. “What did Geoff tell you about their last ink session?”
Carter tilted his head and hummed, lips pursing. “That you were coming to stay with Troy. That it was long—too long, in my estimation. Geoff’s hands were destroyed.”
He nodded. “Troy was a wreck. Emotionally, physically drained. We have to supervise them. Or at least set a limit for each session and consequences for going beyond our limitations.”
“Fair enough. It may be an interesting exercise, watching together.” Carter’s smile was the slightest bit wicked. “He’s a master at what he does. I’d love to know how it changes since we’ve acknowledged certain truths.”
“Oh. I don’t know. I didn’t think about that. I guess it might be a little… intense, huh?”
“You’ll have to speak to your boy about allowing me to watch. Also, no one can judge his stamina like you, hmm? Until we understand how his heart responds, I’d be more comfortable with a failsafe.”
“I’ll be there. No worries.” He looked at Carter. “Troy might need my reassurance anyway. He’s worried about what I think is really going on.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“No? I think my relationship experience might be a little broader than his. I have this feeling he’d be shocked by how open I am.”
“Has he ever told you about Arnie?” Carter leaned back, checking the door as he did. “Arn was my best friend in school. Good man, but damn, he had some off ideas about how to be a Dom.”
“Troy has said a couple of things. Geoff told me a couple of things, but no. We’ve never really had a conversation about him. And that’s my fault because after I found out how he died and everything, and how devastated Troy had been, I told Troy we should hold off on talking about him. I was intimidated I guess, I didn’t want to feel like I had to live up to a shadow so tall.” This was Carter’s best friend, he wasn’t going to insult Carter with his feelings about Arnie as a Dom.
“He was a possessive asshole who almost ruined one of our own.” Carter didn’t sound angry, not really, more… resigned. “He was terrified that he’d be discovered, that he’d be outed, so he kept Troy controlled, frightened, off-balance.”
He nodded. He understood that being gay and in rodeo just wasn’t a thing back then. Maybe not even now. But… “That bag of rocks. How do you live like that?”
How do you let your friend do that to someone?
“I don’t know.” Carter must have seen his disbelieving expression and shrugged. “You have to remember, this was before cell phones were a thing, before anyone I knew had emails. I got postcards, a call once a year on my birthday. I never met Troy before Arnie was gone.”
“Oh.” Whoa. “Yeah, I see what you’re saying.” Damn. “Why…” He looked past Carter to the patio doors to make sure they were still alone. “Why did Troy allow it?”
“My guess? Part youth, part stupidity, but mostly he’d been taught what he wanted was going to send him to hell and this charismatic cowboy offered to give him a place to belong.”
“Hm.” He got it. He didn’t know what to say about it, he didn’t grow up being told to hate who he was. Plenty of people had, he knew that, but he hadn’t seen it that often himself. “Has he… I guess you guys haven’t ever had that conversation. Do you think he’s past it?”
“Past Arnie or past his psycho father?” Carter snorted. “Not that the answer would be different either way. Twenty years is a long time to figure out what you know to be right.”
“I hope so. He deserves better. He’s so… loveable.” He scraped at the label on his beer bottle with his thumbnail. “I want him to be happy.”