The ride to the cemetery was mostly silent. Ford took pity on me and flipped on the radio, letting the soft music cut into some of the awkwardness. I’d known these two forever. Bell had seen me through all of my highs and lows for twenty-some years. So why did I feel as if I wanted to crawl out of my skin?
Ford pulled into a spot at the back of the lot. Caelyn and her siblings, Will, Ava, and Mia, were waiting near their SUV. As soon as I stepped out of the vehicle, Mia flew towards me. When she was a foot away, she launched herself at me. I caught her mid-jump and swung her into my arms, the move startling a laugh out of me on a day when I’d thought a smile would be too much of a struggle.
Mia pressed her face to my chest. “Kenna-Benna. I’ve missed you.”
Guilt lit through me. I usually saw the kids a few times a week, trying to help lighten Caelyn’s load as much as I could. But over the past few weeks, I hadn’t been by as much as I should’ve been. I hadn’t been sure I could keep it together. “Sorry, Mi. How about I come for a sleepover next weekend?”
Her little head snapped up. “Bells, too?”
“Me, too.” Bell stepped in and rubbed a hand up and down Mia’s back. “You gotta tell us what you want from The Mad Baker.”
“Rainbow sprinkle cake.”
I stifled a laugh. As if there were any other answer from my sweet Mia. “That we can do.”
Caelyn moved in close, giving my arm a squeeze. “She’s got you wrapped around her little finger.”
“Just where I like to be.” I smiled at Ava and Will. “Hey, guys, how are you?”
“Good.” The single word Ava spoke was barely audible.
Will straightened, his teenage face looking so grown up in that moment. He and Caelyn both had endured way more than they should’ve had to, at way too young an age. “I’m sorry about Miss Harriet. She was a great lady.”
“She really was. Thanks, Will.”
He ducked his head and placed a hand on Ava’s shoulder. “Should we go?”
Ford glanced at his watch. “It’s almost time.”
Mia squirmed, and I gently set her down, her small hand slipping into mine. The pang that sliced through my heart wasn’t as strong as it had once been. When Bell and I returned from college to help Caelyn with her siblings, time with Mia and Ava had burned. Every giggle. Every first. It all reminded me of the things I’d never have with my little girl. But each day, it got a little easier. And now, the twinges barely registered.
We made our way across the parking lot, cars growing more tightly packed as we went. Heavier footsteps sounded as someone fell into step beside me. “How are you holding up, Brown Eyes?”
I kept my gaze straight ahead, would’ve picked up my pace if I weren’t holding Mia’s hand. “I’m fine.”
“You know,” he drawled, “I’ve always hated that word.”
Mia giggled. “Why?”
He tilted his head down, giving Mia a grin. “People use it when they don’t mean it.”
Mia’s gaze jumped to me. “You’re not fine? What’s wrong?”
I bit back a curse and scowled at Crosby. “Don’t listen to him. Crosby doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Maybe we should get him a dictionary so he can finally master the English language.”
Mia hesitated for a moment as if she weren’t sure who to believe, then she smiled. “A dictionary would be a really boring gift.”
I grinned. “Then let’s get him one for his birthday.”
“Yes, let’s! I’m gonna go tell Cae Cae.”
Mia darted off for Caelyn, and my scowl returned. I pointed it right at Crosby. “You need to watch your words around little ears. Mia’s sensitive. She picks up on everything.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I’ll be more careful next time.”
I blinked in surprise. No smart-ass retort, no biting remark. Crosby actually looked…worried. Guilty. Before I could think better of it, I reached out a hand and placed it on his forearm. The fabric of his suit was luxurious and so incredibly soft. “She’s fine. I promise.”
Crosby nodded, his eyes drifting down to where my hand lay. I snatched it back.
“Are you going to be okay with the Abbots being here?” he asked.
I straightened my spine. “I’ll be fine. This isn’t about them. It’s about Harriet. Remembering her. Honoring her.” I refused to let any other member of this family ruin today.
“A lot of people have your back, Kenna.”
His words branded me. A painful belonging. Claiming. I wanted so badly to lean in to them, but I just couldn’t. “I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can, but it doesn’t hurt to have people who want to help, to support you.”
I brushed my hair out of my eyes, surveying the crowd that was gathering on the hillside. “No, it doesn’t.”
Crosby stepped in closer to me as we walked, the warmth of his body seeming to seep into mine. “Then you won’t mind if I stick close.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but, damn, the man had trapped me. And I simply didn’t have the energy to battle with him today. I’d need every last ounce of energy I had to make it through these next few hours. To hold my mask in place and keep the cap on my emotional well firmly affixed. “Do whatever you want.”
Crosby leaned in, his lips just barely grazing the shell of my ear. “I love it when women tell me that.”
I brought my elbow up and back in one swift movement. Crosby let out a muffled grunt. “Keep your lips and other body parts to yourself.”
“You say that now…”
I shook my head and kept right on walking, but I couldn’t help the twitch of my lips.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He look kindly on you and give you peace. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
The minister’s words filtered through the air, his well wishes and a prayer for the mourners before we departed. I couldn’t look at him, I could only stare at the coffin. My hands itched, my muscles strung so tightly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if one snapped. I wanted to throw myself at the foot of the coffin, to hold on to the brass rail and refuse to let Harriet go. Because when they lowered her into the ground, Harriet would truly be gone. There was no coming back.
People began moving around me, headed towards the church for the reception. I wasn’t sure I could make myself turn away.
Warmth pressed into my side. “Do you want to go?”
Bell’s voice was gentle, but I hated the tone. It was one that said she was worried I would break. I said nothing, just kept staring at the glossy wood before me. I could make out the reflection of the sun and clouds in the lid. It was one of those perfect weather days, the ones Harriet lived for.
A hand slipped into mine. Caelyn. “We’re here. Whatever you want to do.”
“Excuse me.” The shrill voice had my head snapping up. The timbre of Annabelle’s voice had always held an edge of meanness, but I’d overlooked and excused it. The truth was, she was a miserable and cruel woman.