My chest clenches.
This is all I’ve ever wanted for her. For both of my girls. No joke.
Viola is a natural at this. At being Adalyn’s mom. It can’t be easy. Adalyn isn’t easy. Adalyn is a lot of work and unpredictable to boot. But Vi does it with so much patience and love it’s impossible to be anything but in awe of her. Kismet is a word I’ve never believed in before but witnessing my ex with my niece makes me a believer.
“I have no regrets.” At least not about stepping back so Jasper could have Viola.
“Not about that, but can you extend that to all aspects of your life?”
No. No, I can’t. Not even close.
“I like Naomi, okay. I know what you’re getting at and trying to do here. I like her a lot. She’s just…” I shake all that away. “I’m not right for her. I can’t do it again, Jas. Play the good guy. Want the girl and lose when the better man gets her.”
“That’s not what happened with us. You orchestrated my being with Viola. You gave up on wanting to be with her because you knew how she and I felt about each other.”
“You were always the better man, Jas. You always deserved her. You made her happy in ways I never did.”
“Except you’re the better man in this scenario.”
I’ve never felt that way. Never.
“Is that what’s happening? Are her and Florian back together?”
“No. Not yet. But he’s trying like hell to make it happen.”
“And you’re letting it happen. Why are you pushing her toward him?”
“I’m not. She told me point blank that he’s not out of her life. I have no interest in being part of that.”
“You’re good at pushing it away, Gus. All of it. Something scares you or hurts you and you shut it down. Mom dies and you plaster a smile on your face and pretend like it never happened. You couldn’t handle being separated from Viola when we came out to California and she was still at home, so you cheated. You wanted Viola but saw the two of us together and didn’t want to fight for her, so you pushed us together. You’re so afraid of feeling. Of getting hurt, that you avoid anything that comes even remotely close.”
I swallow thickly, my eyes dropping down to the hardscape, staring sightlessly at the gray stone without words.
He’s right.
All of it.
I’ve never put myself on the line. Not once. Not even for Vi, the woman who I thought was my world.
“But you haven’t done that with Naomi. You saw pictures of her with Florian and became consumed with jealousy.” Consumed. There’s that word again. “You couldn’t look at her. You were a fuming mess of a man. I know. I heard what you played. Song after song. All new and angry and unbelievable. All about her. You were never like that with Viola. Never once.” He stops here and I can’t look up. I can’t meet his eyes. I know what I’ll find, and I’m just too fucking chickenshit. “I was like that with Viola. You hear me, brother?”
I do. I hear him perfectly. He’s saying Naomi is to me what Viola is to him.
Can something like that be possible so soon?
“Do you actually want Naomi or is she just a placeholder?”
I clear my throat and meet his steadfast gaze. I tell him a truth I’ve scarcely allowed myself to acknowledge. “I want her.”
He nods like he already knew that, which I guess he did, based on everything he just said. Jasper Diamond, everyone. Omnipotent prick and perfect brother.
“I suffered for years with Vi in and out of my life. Don’t do that to yourself, Gus.”
“I can’t go through it again. Letting her go now will hurt less than when she chooses him later.”
“It didn’t for me.”
And fuck. That right there. That’s the goddamn truth, isn’t it?
I took Viola from him when we were teenagers. I’m the reason he was hurting for so long.
And no, he didn’t get over it.
He festered like a diseased wound. He may have Vi now, and I may have never been able to find it in me to regret being with her for those years in high school, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for all the pain I caused Jasper. And yet here he is, sitting beside me, sharing a beer and telling me to man the fuck up for once in my life.
Is there anyone better in this world than my brother? No. Not even close. He’s the man I’ve always wanted to be. My twin, but so very different.
“We’re all afraid, Gus. All damaged and flawed.”
“Me more than most. I’m just better at hiding it.” Or avoiding it.
“Maybe. But did you ever consider that putting yourself on the line isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you?”
I stare, dumbfounded, my eyes blinking and my heart thundering. Pain has always been my enemy. Truly allowing myself to feel has been a very close second. Ever since my brother came home one day and told me that my mother wasn’t. It was too much. I was eight, and she was dead, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
I couldn’t handle the anguish in Jasper’s eyes or the pain shredding my heart.
“Stop—”
“—That maybe letting Naomi go is? Life isn’t worth living without the people we want in it by our side. It took me a very long time to figure that out, Gus. Sometimes you have to fight like hell to get it, even if it hurts and you’re scared.”
My body sags back, the wind starting to howl, echoing my turbulent insides. Viola and Adalyn are wrapped in towels, Ady’s purple because if it’s not, shit will go down. Vi catches Jasper’s eye first and then mine second, and instead of saying anything, the brilliant woman reads things better than I’d like and heads into the house with Adalyn.
I think I want Naomi by my side.
I think it’s where she’s meant to be.
At the very least, I want the chance to find out.
“You say all that, but what if she doesn’t choose me?” I can’t do that again. I can’t let myself love someone only lose them. Not again. Not ever.
He grins deviously. “But what if she does? Isn’t it worth the fight to find out?”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Naomi
* * *
“Wow, I feel so sad tonight. Thinking everythin’s gone wrong.
Dark clouds smokin’ out my horizon tonight. Not sure if they’ll ever be a dawn.
Where did you go when I needed you most? Ghostin’ me like this sad song.”
Lightning cracks across the dark sky, jagged and menacing, and my singing slips into it, fading away. I can see the rain when the bolt illuminates the sky for that flicker of a second. It’s out there in the water, angry and tempestuous, violent and undeterred. It mirrors my insides so perfectly I hardly have the breath to move or shift away from it.
To head inside like any sane person would do in this situation.
Instead, I breathe in its electricity, mocking its crazy, and laughing at its danger.
“Fuck you,” I yell. “I’ve lived through a hundred times worse than you.”
Is this what crazy feels like? I’ve often wondered if people realize when they’ve reached that point. If they truly know they’re losing touch with reality or if they’re actually, finally, seeing things with a clarity they never had before.