A spear of uncertainty stabbed at me, and I furrowed my brow. “Dominic? What are you doing here?”
He looked back over his shoulder as if stalling for a second, and when he looked back at me, he let out a breath. It plumed in the cold air and then disappeared into nothingness. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“About what?”
“Will you come outside? I don’t expect to be invited in, but if I could just have a few minutes … we could, uh … sit on the stairs.”
I bit at my lip, almost tempted to tell him to go to hell, but he looked so sheepish, so different than I’d ever seen him before, and truth be told, I wanted to hear what he had to say. I was desperate for any news on Gabriel, but knew I wouldn’t ask. I wanted it, and yet I also realized it would potentially set me back emotionally, and I couldn’t risk it. I’d fought so hard for every step forward. “Hold on,” I mumbled, turning away and grabbing my winter coat and pulling it on. I stuck my hands in the large pockets and closed the door behind me.
Dominic took a seat on a step below and turned as I took a seat on the top step. “I owe you an apology.”
I tried not to show my surprise at his words, simply waited for him to continue.
He blew out another breath. “I treated you unfairly, Ellie, and I’m sorry.”
“Where is this coming from? It’s been months since I left. What made you realize this now?”
“Chloe. Chloe made me realize it.”
I furrowed my brow. “Chloe?”
He nodded and smiled slightly. “Yeah, we’ve been, ah, spending a lot of time together. She came to stay with me over Christmas.” He looked pleased and slightly bashful.
I blinked. Chloe had come for … Dominic? Oh. Is that why there had been sadness in his expression when he’d remarked on Chloe loving Gabriel? Because Dominic himself was falling in love with Chloe? Was Chloe’s affection for Gabriel sisterly and the one she’d actually fallen for was Dominic? I couldn’t help the relief I felt, though I didn’t know if that was fair. Should I be relieved at Gabriel not finding love when I had taken mine away from him?
As if reading some of my thoughts, Dominic said, “Chloe does love Gabriel, but she’s not in love with him. I shouldn’t have said that to you. It wasn’t only cruel, it was false.”
I blinked at him for a moment, before I nodded my head. “It’s … it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.”
I smiled slightly. “Okay, it’s not. How did things start between you and Chloe?”
“She came over with both guns blazing after that awful incident at my brother’s house.” He grimaced. “I was mad at her for a while, too.” He shook his head. “But the only person who deserved contempt was me.”
I studied him for a moment. He looked sincere, the expression on his face was humble, a touch embarrassed. For a moment he reminded me of Gabriel, of the first time I’d met him when he’d asked me to help him endure the closeness of another person, and I felt a sharp pinching in my chest. “I … well, thank you for the apology. I forgive you, Dominic. You can officially remove me from your guilty conscience.”
He paused, his eyes roaming over my face for a second. Uncomfortable, I looked away. “Can I explain why I did what I did? Why I treated you so terribly?”
I moved my gaze back to his, noting the hope in his eyes. “Sure.”
He nodded slowly, looking forward so I was facing his profile. From this angle, he looked more like Gabriel. They had the same nose, the same high cheekbones, the same ears. For a moment it hurt to look at him. But then he faced me again, and I saw the obvious differences in their faces, the ways in which they were unique.
“I was with Gabe the day he was abducted. You might know that, but what you probably don’t know is that Gabriel came to that vacant lot because I had gone there even though my mom told me I couldn’t. I was being a bratty little kid and I’d disobeyed my mom, and she’d sent Gabriel to go find me.” He inhaled a deep breath and let it out through his nose. “It was because of me that he was even there that day. If I had just listened to my mom, if I hadn’t been a stubborn little asshole, my brother never would have been taken.”
I studied him for a moment, the tight way he was holding his mouth, the heartache in his eyes as he recalled that day. I didn’t want to let him off the hook so easily, and yet I understood how the things a person held on to could eat them away from the inside, causing them to lash out at those who didn’t deserve it.
Choice is such a loaded word, isn’t it?
And, yes, that’s what Chloe had meant. Choices, though our own, were so weighted down with all the things that had come before, so stained with the messes of our past. Who knew that better than me?
“There was no way you could have known that,” I said softly. “It was just a matter of terrible circumstance. You were only a kid. You didn’t mean for him to be hurt.”
He looked at me for several long moments. I saw the gratitude in his eyes a second before he glanced away. “Yeah, that’s what Chloe says. I know it in my head, but I’ve just carried around this awful guilt. It feels like I’ve been carrying it all my life.” He paused again before continuing. “After he was taken, it was almost like he was a celebrity.” He shook his head and grimaced. “An awful sort of celebrity, but …” He paused again, squinting into the distance. “My parents were so grief stricken and everyone talked of nothing but Gabe and I just sort of … faded into the background.”
“You were jealous,” I murmured, feeling sympathy for the eight-year-old boy he’d been, the child who must have been so scared and confused when his whole world turned upside down. I could relate to that.
He nodded. “Yes. Jealous and heartbroken and guilt ridden.” He let out a long breath. “I guess because I blamed myself for him being abducted, hated myself for the envy I felt over the attention he received, and the way I became invisible; later, I made myself responsible for him getting his life back. I felt like maybe it would right the wrongs I’d committed against him. Through the years I’ve done everything I could to try to encourage him to live the life he should have lived—the life I felt I was responsible for stealing from him. But it turned into a twisted sort of control. When you came along … well, you know what I thought. I made it clear.”
He shook his head and frowned. “I didn’t give you a chance. I judged you without getting to know you at all. I hurt you when you’d already been hurt. I tried to drive you away and it worked, and I’m so damn sorry for that.”
“You didn’t drive me away, Dom. You didn’t make it easy to stay, I’ll admit that. But I left for my own reasons.” I remembered, too, that Dominic had been drunk that awful night he kissed me, but he hadn’t tried to use that as an excuse, and I appreciated his apology all the more for it.
He pressed his lips together. “What can I say to make you come back?”
I blew out a heavy breath and shook my head. “Nothing. Not now. I appreciate you coming here.” I smiled. “It was courageous, and I really do forgive you. But I have some things to work on, and I’m trying my best to do that.”