Dr Mayank also says that love is ironic—it lets you cage your older self in and metamorphose into someone new. And I agree, but if the changes aren’t letting you become a better person, what use is it then?
My thoughts are disrupted by someone’s approaching footsteps. I tilt my head to see who it is, but in my heart I know it’s Dr Mayank. He has helped me a lot; he has seen me going to extremes and only he had the calm to cool me down. And, honestly, from the past week, whenever he is around I feel comfortable and relaxed, like I’m home.
‘How are you, Anjali?’ His voice is calm and deep.
I stand up so he can sit on the chair. ‘I’m good, doctor,’ I smile.
Sometimes I smile on purpose because I’m kind of attracted to him. He has never judged me, but that’s what shrinks do—listen without judging. I’m thankful my sessions started last month, because it would have been terrible to face him after knowing he has seen me beg for alcohol.
‘Last day . . . Hmm . . .’ He opens my file. ‘I’m impressed with your recovery. You’re a great patient. I’m so proud of you!’ He signs on the yellow file.
‘I’m happy I’m clean.’ I finally sit on the bed.
‘So . . . Anything you want to talk about with your shrink one last time?’ He smiles and I can’t help but notice how beautifully two small dimples form under his bottom lip. I want to laugh at myself for looking at him like that.
‘I want closure, doctor. One last time, I want to close my eyes and replay the last year and never look back again,’ I admit.
He pulls his chair closer to me so he can hold my hand, and I wonder if it’s okay for him to do that. He gives me a soft nod and I close my eyes.
I take a deep breath before speaking. ‘When Robbie asked me to marry him, I said we were too young, but then he hugged me and told me we were supposed to be together. I was so in love that I agreed, until I found out four months after our unofficial engagement that he was sleeping with someone else. I felt like I was sinking and that there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air to keep me alive. He started to hurt me with his words and actions, and I never knew how evil he could get until he took pride in what he did to me.’
He gently circles the back of my hand with his thumb, and for the first time I don’t feel like crying.
I take a breath again. ‘I thought I could end the hurt by drinking, but whenever I was sober, I could feel the clouds of sorrow build up again—so I drank again. I tried to escape this hurt. I was so mad that I invested so much in him but he decided to give his love to another woman. I used to drink and call him. God, I used to call him till he picked up the phone and shattered my heart again, but even then I didn’t feel ashamed. I wanted to be humiliated so that it would trigger my self-esteem and help me move on.’
‘It’s okay, Anjali, you’re in a very good position now.’ His voice felt warm and homely.
‘There’s more,’ I grin and continue, ‘I used to apologize a lot. I used to wake up and say sorry and check my phone, because I knew I must have screwed up again. I lost my job, I lost everything—I lost myself. One day I got to know that Robbie and Simran had had a baby, so I just wanted to wish them. I showed up at their place and his wife thought I was going to harm them, so she reported me.’
I sigh. ‘I’m happy she did, Mayank. I’m glad she did.’ I open my eyes and he smiles—maybe he is smiling at how I addressed him without the prefix ‘doctor’.
‘Sometimes . . . sometimes, Anjali, things don’t just break—they shatter and the unexpected happens, and you get hurt by someone you trusted more than your life. But grief doesn’t change you, it reveals you,’ he says and I catch the last line.
‘It’s from The Fault in Our Stars, right? The last line?’ I manage a smile.
‘Yes, I see you’re very sharp too.’ He laughs. ‘So who is coming to pick you up?’
‘My mom.’
He grabs the file again. ‘I see you live like just ten minutes from here.’
‘Yeah.’
A guard comes and tells him that my mother is there. He waits for me until I pick up my belongings.
My mom looks young and I hug her when I see her.
‘Mrs Seth, nice to meet you. I’m your daughter’s shrink, Mayank.’ He shakes hands with Mom.
‘Is she fine?’ she asks.
‘Yes, your daughter is completely fine. Just make sure she takes her medicines properly.’
He hands her his clinical notes and my file. I smile at him, thinking this is the last time I will see this man who had helped me get through my own miserable mind—or maybe I will see him again someday with someone and I will remember how grateful I am for him.
‘Come, Anjali, let’s go. Thank you, doctor,’ my mom says.
‘Take this, Anjali. This is my card. If anything happens, please call me.’
He gives me his visiting card, and I give him a smile.
My mom arranges a house-warming party for my welcome but I honestly don’t think it’s necessary, because the reason I went to rehab is embarrassing and unfortunate. But she says, ‘It’s only a little happiness that matters.’ She is happy that I am clean but I still have a feeling that she is disturbed by the actions I took in the past. When you go through a process, you hurt everyone who cares and loves you, and I hurt her.
‘I’m going to get a shower and change.’ I go straight to my room. For the first time, I feel like a stranger in my own room.
I wear a pink-and-white floral dress and open the drawer to grab some clips. I see my phone lying there. I haven’t used my phone since I got into rehab, because they want the people there to engage in physical activities and not digital—and it had worked because I don’t even want to switch it on any more. But I do.
‘I’ll save Dr Mayank’s number,’ I think to myself and long-press the power button. The first message that pops up is Robbie’s.
I’m sorry, Anjali. Simran shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.
I read it and I keep my phone back in. I shut my eyes and open them again, trying to avoid any unwanted thoughts. I brush my hair and keep biting the inside of my cheek to avoid any sort of breakdown. I don’t want to let people down any more; I’ve done enough damage.
‘Oh my baby!’ Minne Aunty hugs me and kisses my cheek. I look around, and there are only three people in the room—that, too, Mom’s friends. I’m not disappointed that she didn’t call mine, because I don’t have any. Everyone I know is linked to Robbie. I sit near Minne Aunty and a nostalgic smell hits my nostrils—liquor. My hands start to shiver and my neck tickles. I feel like I’m going to go crazy. I get up and walk to the window, and I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look back and see it’s Mayank.
‘As a doctor, I can’t be prouder.’ He pats my back and I just smile. I’m too preoccupied with the nausea building up inside me. ‘So, if I take you out, will you come?’ he says, and I just look at him like he’s some ghost, and he waits for me to say something.
‘Isn’t it against the . . . er, rules or something?’ I try to regain my senses.
‘No, I’m here as a guy asking a gorgeous girl out,’ he says.