“Translation matrix failure. Clarify.”
“Birth. Clarify. The arrival of offspring. The pain involved in arrival of offspring.”
“Query. Why would human females continue to carry offspring if to carry offspring is to suffer pain?” Rick asked. It was a classic change of topic, but Rick’s refusal to answer told Max what he needed to know. His guts ached. He didn’t want any of the children to die, but if Rick didn’t know how to help, there wasn’t much Max could do. But upsetting Rick even more didn’t seem kind, not when his tentacles were all kinked and curled.
“Humans like sex,” Max said. He immediately corrected himself. “Almost all of us like sex. It's fun.”
Rick stopped circling and started his undulating version of a dog paddle. “The creation of offspring is entertaining?”
“Very. And women like to be entertained just as much as men.”
“The value of entertainment is greater than the distress of pain. Interesting.”
“And untrue,” Max said. “The pain is greater than the entertainment.” Max wasn’t sure if that was true for women, but he found that his one blissful and erotic encounter with Rick’s eggy tentacle didn’t make up for months of gas, stomach pain, vomiting, cramping, and general misery.
“Carrying offspring is illogical.”
“But people like offspring. They want offspring. If the only way for you to have offspring was for you to carry it yourself, wouldn't you?” Max asked. Rick didn’t answer, and it occurred to Max that Rick might not have the right equipment. If Max ignored Rick’s many tentacles, the trunk of his body was significantly smaller than a human’s. His walking tentacle was so long that Rick appeared to be larger, but his body was small. He might not have a digestive tract long enough to give the children space to grow.
“I am unsure,” Rick said. “Offspring cause pain. I would rather compensate another.”
Max rubbed his largest bulge. “I can see why. Your children are large.”
“Yes. The size of offspring and manner of incubation is gross and distasteful to other species.”
Considering that Max had defined gross as involving bodily fluids, Max chose to ignore that part of the statement. No doubt Max's body contained all sorts of alien fluids, but denial was his happy place right now. “Do other species bear their own offspring?”
“Many prefer external fertilization and growth within protective barriers.”
“Eggs,” Max translated. “They lay eggs. Right now, I'm thinking that might be a biologically smart move.” A stronger cramp rippled through his gut, and Max clung to the water circulation island.
“Offspring come,” Rick said. Tentacles wrapped around Max’s limbs. Max might have complained, but the strongest cramp yet hit him. Max cried out and curled his legs up as white-hot pain seared his nerves.
Chapter Ten
Max groaned as Rick helped him onto the table. “On your stomach will make exit easier for offspring to exit.”
“I don’t think I should lie on my stomach,” Max said, but he didn’t make any other protest as Rick encouraged him to roll over. Much to his surprise, the cramps didn’t get worse as he settled on his stomach. “Query. Is it supposed to hurt this much?”
“No.” Rick hurried to the nook and pulled out several instruments. They were quickly leaving the land of kinky porn and approaching horror flicks. “Offspring may be struggling to get free. Human intestines are anomalously circuitous,” Rick explained.
Circuitous. That was not a term Max would've ever chosen, but it communicated a clear and terrifying reality. “Clarify. By struggling, are you suggesting that your offspring is about to rip my intestine?” Max held his breath.
“Negative. Offspring do not damage the carrier,” Rick said immediately. Maybe Max was imagining it, but he almost sounded offended. “They may sometimes hurt the carrier,” Rick then admitted. “I can ease the way for the offspring to minimize pain.”
Max pressed his forehead to the table and clutched the edge as pain rolled through him. “Minimize pain. That would be awesome. Do that.”
Tentacles pulled Max’s legs apart, but he didn’t care. Shame and titillation both vanished under the need to focus through the pain. Max panted as the tentacle slid inside. “I shall attempt to avoid activating reproductive system,” Rick said.
Max gave a rough bark of laughter. “Oh trust me, there is zero chance of my reproductive system getting activated.”
Rick paused, and Max arched his back as Kohei made his presence known again. If he kept this up, Max was taking the snot-nosed bastard off the Christmas card list. Rick’s tentacle slid inside again, stretching Max’s hole. This time the uncomfortable feeling was nothing more than a welcome distraction. Rick said, “Clarify. I believed I had triggered reproduction when I implanted offspring.”
“You did, but touch alone does not activate the reproductive system,” Max said through clenched teeth. Part of him wanted to tell Rick to shut the fuck up, but another part wanted some distraction from the pain in his body, and awkward conversation qualified as something. “When I'm in this much pain, I have no interest in any sort of reproductive entertainment.”
“Human biology is confusing.”
“You are the species that puts offspring in other species, so I don't think you get to call me strange.”
“Species of mine is strange as well.” Rick made an odd huffing noise. “We do not gain approval from others.”
Max was proud of himself for not pointing out that a certain subset of humanity would approve of Rick's whole reproductive scheme. They bought tentacle sex toys like the one that had sent Max running the opposite direction. He’d gotten into a fight with his ex about that damn toy, and now Max had dirty little fantasies about what Rick could do if there weren’t children up there. Maybe Max would have been more adventurous if his other partners had shown half of Rick’s patience.
“Get in there and help the offspring out,” Max said.
“I shall.” Rick had a strangely formal cadence to his voice, even in his weird belchy voice. “Try and relax.” Rick devoted a couple of tentacles to rubbing Max’s lower back.
“That's try to relax, and that's not easy when baby octopuses are doing gymnastics routines in my large intestine.”
Rick continued the tentacle massage. “The computer suggests that you use the additive conjunction and more often than the directional preposition to after the word try.”
Max narrowed his eyes. “Are you giving me shit about my English? Seriously?”
“I am most often serious.”
Laughter burst out so unexpectedly that Max snorted. He hadn’t pulled that sort of dork move since middle school, but luckily aliens didn’t recognize goofy laughter. The largest cramp yet hit, and Max arched his back and bit back a scream as the skin over his side rippled. Someone’s tentacle had hit a sensitive spot. “Oh God. Oh God. I think I'm about to have an accident on the floor.”
Rick’s tentacles tightened around his waist. “I shall not allow you to fall.” It took Max several seconds to realize that Rick had misunderstood.