“Query. Where?” Max asked.
“There,” Rick answered.
“I should have seen that coming. You are very Yoda-like. Yoda was Luke Skywalker’s teacher. I should probably tell you that Luke is the real hero of the story. I just like Darth Vader’s story more.”
“Darth Vader evil.”
“Yes.”
Rick stopped and leaned toward Max. “Query. Evil, preference for.”
Max had stuck his foot in his mouth that time. “No. I don’t like evil. I find evil interesting to talk about.” The last thing he needed was for Rick to decide that Max couldn’t be trusted around children. As it was, he kept pressing about Max’s time in the military. Maybe he still had Max on a probationary period. If so, he was one seriously overprotective parent of indiscriminate gender.
Rick bugled something untranslatable and then headed down the corridor again. Hopefully Max had passed the test and convinced his boss that he wouldn’t turn the children to the dark side. However, Max should probably avoid Star Wars discussions in the future.
Maybe Babylon 5 with its message that evil was more about misunderstanding and selfish manipulations would be more in keeping. Then he could give Rick the impression that he was a conniving manipulator and not a psychopath. That would be so much better. “Or I need to learn to keep my mouth closed,” Max said aloud. He had always been a social man and this isolation was driving him a little batty. If he had to police his language, he might have the psychotic break Rick clearly worried about.
A door slid open and Rick glided into a room with a giant pool in the center. “Oh my God. Is that a swimming pool?” It was more likely a radioactive cooling tank, but a man could dream. This was the largest open space he had seen yet. Gently sloping sides went all the way around the room and in the center was a round, larger-than-Olympic sized pool. Quick currents moved out from four pipes that rose from under the water and each had stair-step rocks around it so it created small waterfalls that darted down the uneven surface, randomly changing their chosen path from one second to another.
“Query. Define swim.”
That was tricky. If the water was contaminated or radioactive, Max absolutely did not want to give Rick the idea that he wanted to get in. So instead of answering, he asked a question of his own. “Query. Is water safe?”
“Healthy,” Rick assured him, and then, as if to prove his point, he walked straight down the slope and into the water. As the water rose over his tentacles, Rick began to wave them in octopus-like ways. Max looked away. Rick’s nudity might be normal for him, but every once in a while, Max had pornographic thoughts that made him feel like an ass. After all, Rick had only wanted to do a physical exam, and thanks to Max and his uncontrolled dick, things had gotten awkward.
“Query. Define swim,” Rick asked again. The water muted his natural voice so it sounded more musical, but the voice from the translator on his hat sounded the same. Max glanced at his wrist translator. If it died, Max would be more screwed than ever. However, if he took it off, he wouldn’t be able to speak to Rick. Max moved to the door, and in a millisecond, Rick was out of the water and standing near him, all his tentacles twitching.
“Answer,” Max said. “Swim is to move, to walk, in the water.”
Rick’s tentacles stilled. “Query. Human preference for swim.”
“Answer. It varies. I love to swim. Translator. Leave here. I will swim.” Since the floors sloped slightly, Max didn’t want to have such an important piece of equipment in the room. He opened the door and set the translator next to the wall in the corridor. Now Rick wouldn’t be able to understand anything he said, although Rick’s translator would still be able to generate English.
Once the door closed, Max stripped off his clothes. As much as the tiny sink in his quarters sucked for washing clothes, he should’ve worn them into the water, but then he wouldn’t have had anything to put on when he got out. The ship wasn’t particularly warm.
Taking the translator off freed Max to speak his mind. “If this were a porn, I know exactly how it would end.” He tested the water temperature with his foot. It had a touch of chill, just enough to encourage swimming rather than lazing around on a floaty. Throwing caution and the risk of radioactive contamination to the wind, Max belly flopped into the water and then dove under the surface. The four currents made the water unpredictable. He dove deep before touching the sloping bottom of the pool.
When he broke the surface, he gasped, both because of the need for air and because Rick was inches away, a large eye right in Max’s face.
Max flopped backward. “Hey. Warn a guy,” he complained before he did a few backstrokes.
“Query. Swim Max currently?” Rick asked.
“Yes,” Max said, even though without the translator, he didn’t give Rick good odds of understanding. Maybe he had figured out the simpler English words—those Max used often. He flipped around and switched to a breast stroke to cover the distance to the far side. Most rooms on the ship were little more than cubicles with one entrance. Others were central hubs with a dozen exits. This room had two doors. Weird. Max was equally baffled about why aliens would install a swimming pool. Sure, The Doctor had had one, and watching Leela swim had nearly made Max reconsider his sexual orientation. However, fictional aliens didn’t have much in common with real ones.
More than that, Max had no idea how one navigated with this much unstable and unsecured weight. If the ship had any gravitational forces pulling at it, the mass of the water would be an absolute nightmare. He had certified on a 135 Stratotanker, and that thing had flown like a fucking tank with wings. But this pool held more water than that old beast had carried fuel. Rick had mad piloting skills or the computer had an autopilot with crazy computing capabilities.
Max dove under the surface again and kicked through the water. The slide of warm tentacles across his leg startled him so much that he lost his air and had to surface fast. Again, Rick was right next to him. “Okay, you have to keep your tentacles to yourself because I am having pornographic flashbacks to my last checkup. Honestly, you could make a killing as a naughty doctor if you ever moved to earth. I know people who would pay a whole lotta money for a little tentacle love.”
Max backstroked away from the tentacles floating in the water around Rick’s head. “I feel totally guilty about how I reacted to what, for you, was a health exam. I know human doctors are generally unamused when someone comes all over them. Of course, I came on myself as much as you, but that’s not the point.”
Max wasn’t sure what the point was. Rick swam closer, but he was moving slower now.
“You know something is wrong, but you won’t ever guess what. I’m caught between humiliation and guilt. You know, I’ve jerked off a couple of times thinking about your tentacles, and considering you’re my boss, that’s in the not-good column. I turned a medical exam into a sexual situation when you don’t even understand what happened. I’d confess what a shitty human being I am, only I don’t think the translation matrix is up to conveying feelings yet. If it were, you probably would have shared your thoughts. Hopefully you’re confused and not grossed out by the human spunk you got on your tentacles.”
Max turned in the water and swam away. He saw Rick swimming for the edge, his head held up while all his tentacles did the spread and swoosh thing Max had seen in videos of octopuses. He climbed out and headed for the door, and Max switched over to floating. The current dragged him closer to a tiny island with a miniature waterfall. When he drifted close enough, he put his hand out and let warmer water run over his palm.