I glance around before answering. It’s a good thing there aren’t too many people around and no one nearby.
“Basically.”
Michelle nods. “Okay. So let me ask you this. Do you want to have sex with him?”
I look at her. Wow. She really gets straight to the point, doesn’t she?
I don’t answer. I think I know the answer, but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet.
“I’m not asking if you want to get back together with him. That’s not what he’s asking, right? I’m just asking if you want to have sex with the guy? Yes or no?”
I let out a breath and scratch the back of my head. Fine. I have to be honest at some point.
“Yes. But…”
“But you’re afraid he might take it as a sign that you’ve forgiven him. You’re afraid that he might think you want to get back together. Or that you might want to get back together because you might realize you’re still in love with him.”
Wow. Michelle really speaks her mind. In a lot of words. But I can’t really deny what she said.
Except the last part. I can’t still be in love with Asher because I was never in love with him. He didn’t give me a chance to be.
I can fall for him for sure this time, which I guess is what I don’t want to happen. What I’m afraid might happen. I don’t want to take the first step to my downfall.
Michelle grabs my hand. “You’re afraid because you think you’re not in control. But you can be. You can have sex with him and then decide, dictate even, that it’s just sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but in case it does end up meaning something, then you can decide whether to accept it or just forget about it. You can give him a second chance or you can walk away. You make that call, and whatever call you make, it’s okay.”
She does make sense, so much that I’m amazed. How can a person you’ve never talked to before put your thoughts and feelings into words when you’ve been struggling to do it for days? How is it that I didn’t know what to do but Michelle does?
“You know what I think?” Michelle asks.
“I’m listening.”
“I think you’re too serious, too hard on yourself. You think too much. Unnecessarily.”
True.
“If you want to do something, just do it. If it turns out to be good, be happy. If it turns out to be bad, walk away from it. Regret it if you must, but forgive yourself. Move on. Go do something else that you want.”
That simple, huh? Or maybe I’ve just really been overcomplicating things.
Michelle squeezes my hand. “Go and get some of that sex your sleazy ex owes you. For yourself. Not for him. We all need it every once in a while.”
She’s right. I haven’t had sex in a while. Maybe that’s why I had an orgasm while imagining Asher’s hands on me. Maybe that’s why I leaned against Asher on the dance floor. Maybe that’s why I kissed him back with tongue. That… and if I’m being completely honest, the fact that I was a little upset that Asher and I didn’t have sex in the gazebo that night.
I need to quench this thirst for sex and this curiosity about Asher, and it seems that Asher needs to quench his desire for me. Who knows? Maybe after we both fulfill each other’s needs, we can get over each other, move on from the past and just get along at work. Or maybe I’ll decide to leave and never look back.
At any rate, it will just be sex. No strings attached. No feelings. It will be just like a cleansing ritual, like how two people who resent each other yell at each other to feel better. But instead of yelling, we’ll be having sex.
It might just be the best thing for me and Asher.
Michelle sighs as she lets go of my hand. “I guess this means you and Asher Hawthorne really aren’t a thing.”
I pause. She was talking like she knew me so well that I almost forgot she didn’t know about me and Asher. I wonder how she’d react if she knew I was talking about him. But I guess there are things that are better kept even from your friends.
“No,” I tell her. “We aren’t.”
We’ll just have sex once and that’s it.
Michelle pouts. “Pity. If Asher Hawthorne asked me to have sex with him, I’d definitely say yes.”
I grin. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.
~
When I arrive at my apartment after work, I head straight to the shower to shave my legs. And my pubic hair. Then I shower. With a new floral-scented body wash. Thoroughly. Afterwards, I blow my hair dry and put on the lace panties and the satin chemise I just bought. I spray on a bit of my favorite perfume as well. Then I don my robe. The only problem I have is what shoes will go with it.
Should I just wear my bedroom slippers? Or do I put on my heels?
I opt for the latter and head down the hall. I take a few moments in front of the door to Asher’s apartment to gather my composure and mentally rehearse what I’m going to do.
Okay. So I’m going to ring the doorbell. Then when Asher opens the door, I’m going to give him a grin and pull on the sash of my robe so he can see what I’m wearing underneath. Hopefully, that will reveal my intentions without me having to say a single word and he’ll pull me into his arms and kiss me. If not, I’ll just kiss him first. And then we’ll take things from there.
I close my eyes and draw a deep breath. I can hear the alarm blaring inside my head telling me to back off while I have the chance, but I ignore it. I’ve already made up my mind about what I’m about to do, and this time, I’m going all the way.
I’m going to have sex with Asher.
I’m still scared, yes, but I’m also excited and looking forward to finally getting this over and done with. I’ve waited long enough.
I lift my hand to press the button for the doorbell. It rings. I feel a little disappointed when no one answers immediately, but I simply ring again. I hear footsteps coming from inside the apartment and my heart starts to pound. My fingers tremble slightly as they grip the sash of my robe.
Here we go.
I hear the door lock come undone and I hold my breath. The door opens and my heart stops.
It’s not Asher standing in the doorway but a woman with olive skin and long, coral red hair like a mermaid’s. Her eyelids are painted emerald, the same shade as the deceptively transparent lace dress clinging to her slender body.
For a moment, she stares at me with narrowed eyes like I’m a pest. Her full, scarlet lips form a pout. Then she slams the door in my face, so loud I barely hear my hopes and plans for the evening shattering in the aftermath.
I guess I’m not having sex with Asher tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
Asher
I thought Violet and I would have had sex by now.
These past few days, I’ve caught glimpses of her agonizing over the decision I asked her to make. Each time, I felt a combination of annoyance and pity. I wanted to just go over to her and put her out of her misery, out of both our miseries. But no. She has to be the one to make the move. I know what I want. She has to do the same.
Yesterday, when our eyes met and I saw a gleam in them I’d never seen before, when the corner of her mouth twitched ever so slightly, I thought she was finally ready to give in. I thought tonight would be our night.