“And I’m just saying don’t forget that things could be more than that, too.” She pulled her legs up on the couch, then crossed them under her. Her purple hoodie fell off one shoulder, and she smiled as she caught my eye. “I’ve seen how happy Franklin and Rory make you, Asher. And I don’t know what it was like in Los Angeles, but I’ve never seen you act excited about someone you were seeing before.”
“Whatever,” I said, turning my eyes away. “I’m hot and young. It’s not like there’s anything more to it than that.”
“That was definitely true with most of the guys you used to chase,” she agreed. “I guess the creepy guy who wouldn’t leave you alone when you fled town was a different story, but you definitely had an eye for men who didn’t want more than anonymous sex.”
I winced, remembering the mistake that had driven me out of Seattle in the first place. I always kind of blocked him out my memory, much preferring not to remember the phone calls that kept coming, and the way he showed up at my shitty job unannounced.
Like hello, dude, you’re almost fifty. Leave a college dropout alone when he breaks it off.
“What are you saying?” I asked. “You want me to go propose to Franklin and Rory just because they’re the first guys who treated me halfway decent?”
“I just want you to remember that we aren’t Mom and Dad. They had a shitty relationship, and they were shitty parents, but we aren’t them.”
I shot a puff of air out my nose. “Dad’s dead. And Mom’s a lost cause. I’m over it.”
Lilith didn’t say a word. She just waited in silence until I turned my eyes back to her.
“Dad died in a shootout, Asher,” she said firmly. “And now that you’re back under my roof, I’m going to make sure you find a different path in life, okay?” She gritted her teeth together, and I saw pain flash through her eyes. “One close call is enough.”
I felt some tears behind my eyes and coughed to clear my throat.
“Thanks,” I grumbled, then grabbed the mug. “I need more coffee.”
A few moments passed. Deeply buried emotions rose up, swirling like smoke behind my ribs, but I did my best to shake them out. Lilith let me have the silence, sitting with me patiently while I worked it out.
“I’ll be good,” I finally said with a nod. “Don’t worry about me, Lilith.” And for some reason, I almost believed what I was telling her. “I’ll be just fine.”
Daryl came by that night, picking me up and then driving me to a bar by the cheap hotel where he was staying, tucked up under the highway. The bar was a dimly lit dive with a couple of dartboards, little trays filled with peanuts, and almost no customers besides us.
“Daryl,” the bartender said with a nod as we walked in.
I raised my eyebrow. “This what you been doing every night?”
“I told you,” he explained. “I’m just waiting to pick up something that I’ll drive back down.”
“I’m glad your employer got you some fancy digs,” I said, gesturing to the loud highway right outside his spot.
We ordered a pitcher of beer, then took a booth in the far back. He had a black stocking cap on. I hadn’t seen that look since we moved to Los Angeles, but I remembered how it was his signature style back when we were kids.
In short order, we started downing the beer and arguing about absolute bullshit. He told me some rock band wasn’t really a rock band, and I waved my glass back and forth in the air while I explained all the reasons his favorite superhero movies were actually the worst superhero movies. We hollered over each other and laughed, and when we finally reached our second pitcher of beer, we were finally able to get into some things.
“Why the hell won’t you come back with me?” Daryl asked, frowning. He had a cigarette between his fingers that he’d been waving around for about five minutes, but he made no indication he was going to step outside and light it. “We’re the best fucking team.”
I barked a laugh. “I told you. Someone shoots a gun at me, I’m out. Someone shot a fucking gun at me, Daryl. I’m out.”
He sucked his lips in, then shook his head. “But man, I won’t make that mistake again. That was one bad guy! And he’s not even a problem anymore.”
I shot my hand in the air. “Don’t tell me about it! I don’t want to know.” I sighed. “Sorry, man, it’s just not going to happen.”
He frowned. “I can’t believe it. You really going to be able to live without speeding down that highway once a week? There’s no sunshine here.”
My mind flashed over what actually was here. I thought about that big old house where Franklin and Rory lived with Ava. They were an honest family, and I was beginning to realize that, one day, I wanted to have a life like they had.
I didn’t have to get my thrills from hitting the gas pedal, risking my neck and jail and god knows what the fuck else.
I started to think that I might actually be worth more than that.
“I’m sticking it out here,” I said. “Lilith is here.” I poured some more beer into my glass, then into his. “Here is good for me, Daryl.”
“Whatever,” he said. He cast his eyes to the ground, then did a quick scope of the bar, seeing if anyone was listening. “Because if you wanted to just drive back down, that trip alone? I could get you ten grand, man. Low-risk.”
I tensed. Adrenaline shot through my body, and I suddenly tasted metal on the tip of my tongue. “I told you—”
“They provide the car,” he cut me off with a whisper. “And you won’t even know there’s something in it. Even if you looked, you wouldn’t be able to find it.”
I hated the voices that rose up inside of me. Yes. Yes. Take the money. How else are you going to get money like that? You need that thrill to be happy. You need to feel like you might die to know you’re alive. It’s all you’re worth.
This is who you are, Asher. Or what, do you think you’re better than your own father?
“Go smoke your cigarette,” I said through clenched teeth. “I said no.”
Daryl curled his lip, then nodded. “Be right back,” he said, flicking the lighter as he stood and walked away.
I fell back against the booth and realized my heart had been pounding.
“One thing you got to ask yourself, Asher,” I muttered into my beer. “Why do you keep hanging out with guys who didn’t give a shit about you?”
Chapter Fifteen
Franklin
When Rory and I were first looking for a house to buy, we always kept an eye on the bathtubs. Rory had gotten tenure, and the store was turning a steady profit, and we felt like it was time to treat ourselves.
Which was how we ended up in that particular bungalow.
Luxurious bathtubs.
Rory stretched his legs down the tub, and I pulled him up, tugging his feet behind me. The bath was elevated a bit, positioned beneath a wide window with a substantial sill, and we each had a bottle of beer sweating to the side. Steam rose up between us, and the sudsy water lapped Rory, flattening hair to his chest and biceps.