She had the decency to look away because she was ashamed.
“You’ve never been far from my mind, Mal, not in all these years. I stayed away because...because it seemed like what you wanted.” He hung his head. “Plus, I felt really guilty about the way things ended between us.” Lifting his head, he gave her a tortured look. “All the things I said to you? They were in the heat of the moment. I never...I didn’t mean any of it. I purposely pushed you away because...at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. For both of us.”
Now she knew she was staring and her jaw just might be on the floor. “Um...what?” She scooted across the bed and away from him and yeah, she definitely felt sick now.
It was clear he could see her distress and when Jake tried to reach for her, Mallory recoiled. Hanging his head once again, he said, “I’m so sorry. You have no idea how much I hate what I did to you. To us.”
Climbing from the bed, Mallory immediately began to get dressed. “Oh, you’re sorry? Now? Six damn years later? What the hell, Jake!”
Straightening on the opposite side of the bed, he held up his hand helplessly. “Do you not remember everything that was going on back then, Mallory?”
“Of course I do! How could I possibly forget?”
“No,” he interrupted firmly. “No, you need to hear me out, dammit!” Then he paused and took a moment to calm down. “Nothing about our relationship was easy for me. I struggled with guilt about dating my mentor’s great-granddaughter more than you’ll ever know.” Another pause. “I struggled with seeing you as a woman after only thinking of you as a young girl. I worried about what Zeke would think, I worried about what your brother would think, but most of all, I worried that I wasn’t good enough for you.”
She did not want to be swayed by the things he was telling her, but dammit, it was hard not to be. Everything he said made sense and seemed completely logical, but part of her still really wanted to be mad.
“Then I was faced with losing my financial aid,” he went on. “I had waited so long for everything to work out for me with going to school and I kept putting it off and putting it off and just when I was ready to do it, it was pulled away from me. Zeke’s offer to help me was not an easy one to accept.”
“Why?” she asked and hated that she needed to know.
He shrugged. “I wanted to do it all on my own. I didn’t want to need anyone’s help. Call it pride, but...it was important to me. That’s why it took so long for me to finally make it happen. Zeke had offered to help me for years.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “Before I had even graduated high school he was offering to pay for college for me because he believed in me–believed in what I could do with myself and my future. I turned him down every time and when he offered again that summer...I was torn.”
She didn’t have to ask why.
She was the reason.
“The thing is, he knew. He knew I was struggling and it was the first time I was honestly considering taking him up on his offer.” He paused and gave her a sad smile. “That’s what you heard that day when you were leaving. He forced me to make a decision I couldn’t make on my own–and it was hard and it was painful, but...I can’t regret it, Mallory. Even if it meant the end of us, we both had things we needed to accomplish and we both needed to grow up.”
She bristled at his words–hating the reference to the way he’d mocked her immaturity.
“I know you’re upset…”
“You don’t know the half of it,” she said quietly as she finished dressing. “I may have been immature back then and I may have reacted rashly when I overheard your conversation, but the fact is...you didn’t care about me enough to talk to me. Maybe things still would have ended, but at least I would have known the truth.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can trust you, Jake.”
Now it was his eyes that went wide with disbelief. “Excuse me?”
“You made a decision for me–for us–that devastated me. You had six years to tell me the truth, and you didn’t. Then I come back here and you tell me we just need to keep it casual–no promises, no commitments–and then you once again go and try to make decisions for me!”
And then something hit her.
“Oh my God...did you know Pops was going to leave me the shop?”
“What? No! Of course not!”
“I don’t believe you. You seemed to know about what Pops was doing for Sam, so it only makes sense you would know about my inheritance too!” She shook her head and began to pace. “It all makes sense now!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he yelled, coming around the bed toward her.
“This! Us! I foolishly thought we were just going to...you know...have a fling! A little closure! But all along you knew what Pops was going to offer me and knew–like Sam–I wouldn’t be so keen on moving back here because of you! So you just...you schmoozed your way back into my life and made me fall for you again so I’d stay and honor his wishes!”
He shook his head as if to clear it. “Do you even hear yourself?” he cried. “So now, not only am I guilty of...of...not being trustworthy, but now I’m such a puppet to your grandfather, that I’d purposely make you fall back in love with me so you’d run a stupid decorating shop here in town? Is that what you’re saying? Do you hear how freaking ridiculous you sound?”
Okay, when he put it that way it did sound crazy, but…
“You know what, I don’t care how crazy or ridiculous it sounds,” she countered. “The fact is that I don’t trust you. There’s too much going on and now every time I look at you and think things are going well, I’m going to feel like there are some ulterior motives or...or...that what you say isn’t what you mean.”
“Mallory, the only time I ever lied to you…”
“Was when I was so damn in love with you and you broke my heart,” she said sadly, willing the tears that were stinging her eyes not to fall. “If you had only talked to me…”
He reached for her, but she took a step back.
“We still would be where we are right now,” he said, his voice low and gruff. “There was never going to be a scenario where things worked, Mal. I was always going to Colorado and you were always going back to New York. I know we said we’d try the long-distance thing, but...in the end it wouldn’t have worked.”
One lone tear rolled down her cheek and she silently cursed it even as she wiped it away. “Here’s the thing, Jake...we’ll never know. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked, but there wouldn’t have been such hard feelings. I wouldn’t have stayed away from coming here to visit Pops. I wouldn’t have missed my last chance to…”
And dammit, now she was crying–was so blinded by tears that she couldn’t have moved if she wanted to.
And unfortunately, she didn’t see Jake stepping in close until his arms were around her.
She cried the way she had six years ago.
She cried the way she had two weeks ago when she learned about Pops.
But mostly, she cried like a woman whose entire world had been ripped apart without any hope of it being right ever again.