I clear my throat. “It feels … unforgivable.”
She nods again. I wait for her to tell me that nothing is unforgivable. I wait for her to tell me that I need to forgive myself. I wait for her to tell me that Heidi would forgive me. I wait and wait, but she just gives me a sad smile like there is nothing in the world to say to my confession. And the truth is … there’s not.
I killed my wife.
It’s unforgivable.
But I’m alive. And this woman before me is so much better than rats.
She takes a step toward me and grabs my tie, pulling me into her apartment. The door shuts behind me, and she shoves me up against it. My lips twitch into a small grin as she jerks my tie side to side, loosening it before working the buttons to my shirt.
“He didn’t let you touch him?”
She releases the last button and blue eyes meet mine. I see it in the glassy pools of tears filling her eyes.
Inching my tie around my collar, she releases it to the floor and pushes my shirt over my shoulders as her lips press to my chest.
I thread my fingers through her silky strands of hair and tilt her head up. “Because he couldn’t touch you.”
She blinks and fat tears bleed down her cheeks. I catch them with the pads of my thumbs and lower my head, brushing my lips over hers, relishing the warmth of her breath.
“Let me touch you,” I whisper a second before kissing her.
She lets go of a soft sob before her lips respond to mine, our tongues seeking something deeper, her hands snaking around my back, fingers curling into my skin like she’s never needed anything more than she needs this kiss.
My fucking heart feels like it could splinter into a million pieces, because in this very moment I feel like I deserve this, and I haven’t felt deserving of anything in a decade.
She peels my shirt back more. I release her hand to let her pull the starched white fabric from my arms, adding it to the trail that we make as I back her toward the bedroom.
“Rats?” I mumble against the soft flesh of her neck while lifting her shirt up her body.
She lifts her arms for me to shrug it off her and grins, eyelashes still wet with emotion. Vulnerability has never looked so stunning.
“In their cage for the night.”
I palm her butt and capture her mouth as I lift her up. She wraps her legs around my waist, grinding against the head of my erection.
“Condom?” she asks between kisses.
“Pocket.”
She giggles against my mouth. “You planned on this?”
I kick her bedroom door shut behind us, still not entirely confident those rats are all caged up. “Ms. Rodgers …”
Her lips grin against my skin as her tongue traces the hollow area above my collarbone.
“I may have planned on sex … but I sure as hell never planned on you.” I ease her to her feet, and she sits on the bed, unfastening my pants with way more patience than I have at the moment. My hands take over, discarding the rest of our clothes before claiming her mouth again, pressing my body against the soft, warm curves of hers.
She tastes like forgiveness and feels like freedom. And she sounds like a prayer, humming against my mouth—not a moan, an actual tune that I don’t recognize. Her eyes drift shut, back arched and lips parted with her head turned to the side as I sink into her.
Since my wife died, I haven’t been able to have sex with another woman without closing my eyes and wishing she were Heidi. But right now, I can’t stop staring at Ellen Rodgers writhing beneath me, humming, smiling, and peeking open those breathtaking eyes to look at me with unmistakable want—need. All I can think is how ineffable she is through and through.
“Flint …” She jerks her hips against mine.
I dip my head down to taste her.
“Elle …” I whisper over her lips just before my tongue flicks hers.
Her lips curl into a smile. “Elle…” she breathes out “…does that mean we’re friends?”
I lace our hands together, pressing them into the mattress just above her head, searching for deeper penetration because she feels so fucking good. “Yes, I think we’re officially friends.” As much as I want this to last all night, I can’t stop. I can’t slow down. And when she locks her ankles around my waist, and whispers “yes” over and over, I lose it.
Her relaxed gaze and sexy smile greet me when I open my eyes. “Don’t cry,” she whispers.
I shake my head. “Zip those pretty lips of yours.”
“Or what?”
Releasing her hands, I grab her head and bite her lips together like a duck’s.
“Ouch!”
I roll over onto my back and laugh. This unguarded moment of spontaneous laughter feels so foreign to me.
“Biting? Really? If that’s how you’re going to play.” She bites my bicep.
I roll to the side.
She bites my shoulder blade.
I laugh some more.
Then she presses her lips to the middle of my back for a few seconds and molds her naked body to mine. “Thank you,” she whispers.
Rolling toward her, my grin fades at the solemn look on her face. “For what?”
Her fingertips float over my abs, one at a time, tracing the V below my navel before retracing their path, over my chest, up my neck, and along my jaw. “For letting me touch you … for touching me.”
I press her hands together between mine. “I can’t stay.”
“I know.” Her gaze focuses on our hands.
“Harrison has school, and I have to take my parents to the airport.”
She looks at me and cranes her neck to kiss mine all the way to my chin. “Don’t leave your condom on the floor where my rat babies could get a hold of it.”
“I was just thinking about how incredibly sexy you look tangled in these sheets next to me and how hard it’s going to be to leave your bed. But then you said ‘rat babies,’ and my erection died.”
“Harry lights up around my rat babies. You should get him some rats.”
I give her a small smile. I chose you. That’s what’s going through my mind. I chose to get the girl instead of rats. But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t know what any of this means. I can’t bring another woman into our lives until I tell Harrison the truth about his mom. The problem is I’m not sure he’s mature enough to truly understand. And it’s not just the Asperger’s, it’s that he’s twelve and reason hasn’t settled into something his mind can completely do.
“I know this woman who likes to play the guitar, and she has rats. In lieu of getting him his own, I might just check with her to see if she’d let him come visit them when he needs his rat fix.”
Ellen rolls on top of me, straddling my waist, and sitting up straight. The view is fucking spectacular.
“I think I know this woman to whom you’re referring. There’s a good chance she’d be willing to barter with you.”
“Barter, huh?” I grab her hips. “Sex?”
She rolls her eyes. “She’s not that easy.”
“No?” I lift a single eyebrow.
“She needs some legal help.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” Her hands cover mine. “Her landlord has been trying to evict her, but she wants to stay.”