And I am having impure thoughts.
I try not to, but that song keeps playing in my head. The one I heard in the car with Gi. The one that was playing just now in Rose’s bedroom. I remember the singer’s deep voice with its gravelled husk. The memory of that melodic rasp inspires a strange flush on my skin.
You’re my wild, wild girl and I know what you like. Let’s go for a ride on a hot summer night. Got you in my arms, babe, feels so good and so right. I’ll hold you close all the hot summer night.
It makes me think of something Rose told me, whispered late at night the last time I was home. Gi and I were so shocked. Rose said her boyfriend kissed her … there.
And then he licked me until … something happened. I can’t even describe how good it felt. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever had.
I couldn’t believe that. It’s absolutely the craziest thing I ever heard.
Well, maybe not ever. Scarlett used to tell us stuff too. Like how she once … sucked on her boyfriend’s … cock, she called it, until something happened. Until he came, she said. She sort of described what happened until Gi and I were beside ourselves because we’d never heard anything as scandalous as that. Not even close.
Thinking about both of those things now, it makes me feel sort of edgy. Like I’m still blushing at the feelings Rose described.
The heat of the sun seems to center in a particular place. That place. Like a slow, curling pulse. I lay still for a while, letting the secret pulse take hold. I think of trying to put it out of my mind, like I should. I think of trying to resist its licking heat. But it’s too sweet, this little promise, deep inside my own body.
My hand moves, without me even moving it. I touch my fingers lightly to the place. It feels good. I feel ripe, like a sun-sweet peach. Brimming.
I start to move my fingers a little, very gently.
I imagine his strong hands, strumming his guitar as he sings that song, like he’s singing just for me.
He kissed me and then he licked me until … something happened.
As my fingers barely move, a strange and beautiful thing starts happening to me … a curl of sweet warmth that builds and bursts in a soft pleasure that washes through me, there, in a swell of intense, clenching waves. I moan a little. I lay there sort of blissed out for a while as the ripples linger.
Damn. What was that?
When I move again, and sit up, I feel strange. I feel beautiful. More beautiful than I can ever remember feeling. Slowly, I stand up. I walk down to the water’s edge. Gently, I splash myself. My stomach, my face, my breasts. My nipples, which had softened in the sun-warmth, bud into tight little peaks. Wow. It’s intense, to be this aware of your own … awakening.
I’m still wet but the house will be an oven so I don’t bother drying all the way off. I carefully roll up Rose’s dress and put it in my bag. Then I walk up the small incline towards the old farmhouse.
I love this house. It’s in need of a paint job and a few repairs but whoever built it must have had some serious money. We don’t know exactly what happened to the owners. Maybe they died or moved away and never bothered to sell it. Maybe they thought they’d come back one day.
Either way, it’s been a lucky score for me because just inside the huge windows at the front of the house sits the most beautiful grand piano you’ve ever seen. When I first saw it I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I’m not usually the kind of girl who breaks into other people’s houses, but I figured it’s a terrible waste not to put something so extraordinary to good use. As it turned out I didn’t even need to break in. One of the sash windows at the front of the house wasn’t locked. All I had to do was slide it up.
It’s my favorite way to compose music. You can play your heart out on a guitar but a piano’s best for writing, for me at least. I’ve written all my best songs sitting right here. It felt like whoever moved out of this house left it here just for me. Divine providence or something, that’s how I see it.
God, it must be ninety-six in the shade today. I pull the window up. I haven’t been here for a while and it’s heavy and stuck but I keep trying until I’m finally able to slide it all the way up. It’s hotter than hell in the house but the fresh air stirs the sun-flecked dust and I step inside.
I sit on the piano bench and pull my music out of my bag. Chase’s letter falls to the floor. I pick it up and open it. Chase and I have been writing letters ever since his family moved to Portland, Oregon three days before my fourteenth birthday. We’d been best friends our whole childhood. We met on the first day of school and ate lunches together and played flashlight tag with my sisters and his two older brothers. When his dad got offered a job on the west coast we both thought our hearts would break. I didn’t know how I was going to function without a best friend. We started writing letters because it was the only way we could keep in touch after I went to boarding school. One letter a month for four years is a lot of letters. I’ve told Chase Lee every secret I’ve ever had. And even though we haven’t seen each other in a long time it’s nice to know he’s out there somewhere. He always said that someday he’d show up on my doorstep and we’d pick up right where we left off.
Hey Roo,
By now you will have graduated. Free of St. Mary’s for good!!! I’m sure it’s the best feeling in the world. You little free bird, I wish I could see you and help you celebrate. I’d drive you to Nashville myself.
I’ve met some new people recently, Roo, in the summer classes I’ve started at the university here. I’m sharing an apartment with a few of them. You’d like them. They’re musicians. There’s a funky and thriving music scene here in Portland. You should come and check it out for yourself. You could stay here, as long as you want. Mi casa es su casa. I have a spare couch in my room (you could have my bed of course). Now that you’re free you should really think about it. You wouldn’t have to pay rent or anything. I might even be able to get you a waitressing job if you want one. God, I would love to see you again, Ruby. I say this all the time but I can’t believe it’s been four whole years. Send me another picture when you get a chance. When are you getting a phone?
Write back to me as soon as you get this. Or even better, call me. I can’t wait to talk to you and hopefully I’ll see you soon. Please think about coming out here. My graduation gift to you is a bus ticket. Call me!!! I have a new number: 503-320-9218.
Your best friend for life,
C.
Wow.
It’s a nice offer.
I think about if for … around half a second.
I slide Chase’s letter back into its envelope and stuff it into my bag.
I can’t go to Oregon. I mean, I could. But I won’t. My heart’s been set on Nashville since I was six years old. Since that day when I first picked up my daddy’s guitar and started strumming. I sang a song to him and he smiled and said, honey, one day I’m going to hear you sing at the Grand Ole Opry, mark my words.
Nashville is my destiny. Nashville is calling me. It’s been calling me all along.
I take out some of my music. I start to play, and I sing along to a tune I’ve been working on. I use my pencil to change a couple of the notes and I start again.