‘I suppose…’ Jonas cleared his throat, tearing his gaze away. ‘I should be… you know… getting along. It’s good to see you looking so well, by the way.’
Cathy paused. She almost looked down to give herself a once-over but managed to stop herself. She was fairly certain, however, that she didn’t look well. Unless that was code for: you’ve got fat. She’d left the house this morning in old jeans and a chunky-knit jumper, knowing it would be cold in the market stall and that her clothes would probably get messed up, and she knew that this jumper, teamed with her lurid-green work tabard, was hardly her most flattering outfit. But she also realised that Jonas was just trying to find something nice to say.
‘You too,’ she finally replied, only she meant it. He looked so well, so handsome and relaxed, it was like an extra kick to the gut, just to make certain she stayed down.
‘Maybe I’ll see you around… now that I know where you are.’
He’d always known where she was – he knew where she lived after all – but he’d never sought her out. He’d never come to see how she was coping, to say he was missing her, to say that his life had become poorer without her in it. She’d told him not to when they’d split up, of course, and then once he’d got married later on he wouldn’t have been able to. But in the beginning he could have and he hadn’t. Maybe he’d thought she’d really meant it, but since when did empty words said in the heat of the moment ever mean anything? More likely than not, now that he knew where she worked, he’d do his utmost never to set foot in the market again. And he had a wife to think about, so she supposed in a strange sort of way it made him a good man, the better person of the two of them, because Cathy wasn’t sure if she’d be able to stay away from him had the tables been turned.
‘Bye,’ Cathy said.
Jonas nodded briefly to Fleur, who’d been doing her best to look as if she wasn’t listening, but the fact that she’d rearranged the same pot of daffodils four times now – the one that just happened to be in earshot – said otherwise. Then he acknowledged Cathy again with a brief, sad smile before he turned and walked away.
Cathy hardly realised how long her sigh was until she felt her lungs empty of air.
‘Well, that was a bit intense,’ Fleur said, her eyes following Jonas until he’d left the building. ‘I take it you two were once an item.’
Cathy nodded silently, hardly trusting her voice not to crack. She turned her attention to tidying up some oddments of string that were littering the counter. Fleur would want more of an explanation than that, but she couldn’t give it to her – not yet. She’d never told Fleur about Jonas during the months she’d worked for her, though she’d mentioned in passing that she’d once been engaged. She’d never really felt that she had to fill in the details – he was so far in her past that she really hadn’t imagined she’d be seeing him again. However, it looked as if that was about to change and she was going to have to fill her boss in soon enough.
Seeing Jonas again when she’d least expected it had been a shock. But it had been more than that. It had opened up an old wound that Cathy had thought neatly healed. She’d been so preoccupied with her mum and then trying to rebuild her life in the wake of her mother’s passing that she hadn’t even noticed it was still there – or maybe she’d tried so hard to push it from her thoughts that she’d been just a little too successful. But the slightest pressure had torn it open again. It had brought memories – good and bad – flooding back, and with that torrent had come the bitter flotsam and jetsam, resentment towards her situation and her decisions, and the unfair hand life had dealt her that had meant Jonas and Cathy could never be, no matter how much they’d loved each other.
In the end, Jonas hadn’t had enough patience and Cathy hadn’t had enough strength, and they’d both let it go. Their parting had been amicable, full of explanations and understanding – perhaps too much understanding – and the most painful thing Cathy had ever done. But he was married now too, and Cathy had to ask herself, knowing this, would it have worked between them even without the pressures that looking after Cathy’s mum had put on their relationship? Would it make her feel better to believe that they’d always been fated to split up and that he’d never been her destiny anyway?
She’d never know the answer to that and perhaps it was just as well. It was hard enough living with the regrets she already had without adding to the pile. Life had happened, Jonas had moved on and until this moment so had Cathy.
‘Want to tell me about it?’ Fleur asked.
Cathy leaned against the counter and sighed. Right now she could do with a customer to distract them but the market was quiet and the only stalls with customers were the butcher and the one that sold odds and ends for knitting and sewing.
‘There’s nothing to tell really.’
‘Didn’t look that way to me.’
‘Remember I told you I was once engaged…?’
‘Oh, I guessed that was him already by the look on your face when you saw him. So he’s back in Linnetford? Is that going to cause a problem for you?’
‘Of course not – why would it? He’s married now. Even if I wanted to get together with him – which I don’t – it wouldn’t be possible.’
‘Doesn’t stop you from wanting it and doesn’t stop it from hurting. Who broke off with who?’
‘I did. Sort of. But he hardly put up a fight so I think he’d probably wanted it too.’
‘So if it was mutual why do you both seem so hung up on each other?’
‘Did it seem that way?’
‘Certainly did to me.’
‘I suppose… well, I’d never really wanted it to end that way.’
‘But you did it anyway?’
‘I had to. We’d been having arguments and they’d been getting worse and more frequent, and then one day we had this great big one about my mum and he said some things, and I got upset and called it a day.’
‘What did he say?’
Cathy paused. It was a hard memory.
‘He thought she made more of her illness because she wanted all my attention and that she hated him for taking me away from her. He thought sometimes she put on episodes so that I would have to cancel meeting him because she was scared she’d lose me. I’ll admit that it did seem that way sometimes and that she definitely got worse after we got engaged. We were supposed to have a party – nothing fancy, just a meal with friends to celebrate. Mum passed out and fell down the last few stairs just as I was getting my coat to go out and I couldn’t leave her then, could I? Jonas was furious when I called him to cancel and I guess he felt humiliated in front of our friends. I suppose I can understand that.’
‘And then what happened?’
‘We tried to carry on and I tried to make it up to him, but I guess it was something we just couldn’t come back from. Every time Mum was ill he’d say I’d never be able to have a proper married life with him because she’d always need me. I hated hearing that. I could understand why he felt that way but this was my mum he was being so horrible about…’