‘Breakfast sounds good,’ I say.
She leads me into the lounge and sits me down in front of the fire. There’s nobody else here today but all I can think of is Ben sitting in here yesterday staring into space and not doing his crossword. I should have come then; I should have spoken to him before he left.
‘Here you go,’ Sascha says, putting a mug and plate in front of me. ‘Earl Grey and hot buttery toast.’ She sits down opposite me.
‘You don’t have to sit with me,’ I say. ‘You must have better things to do.’
Before Sascha can reply, Celia appears in the lounge doorway.
‘Everything OK, Sascha?’ she asks.
‘Everything’s fine thanks, Celia,’ Sascha replies with a strange sort of fake merriment. ‘I just need to talk to Ellie for a while.’ She pauses. ‘Privately,’ she adds.
‘Did you think any more about the uniforms?’ Celia asks.
‘No uniforms,’ Sascha replies sternly.
Celia hovers for a moment longer and then drifts away.
‘She’s still here then?’ I ask.
‘I don’t think she’ll ever leave.’ Sascha sighs. ‘Do you know she suggested that Geoff and I should wear uniforms?’
‘You and Geoff should? I thought she was talking about the staff?’
Sascha rolls her eyes. ‘I’m trying really hard to get along with her but she is the most trying woman.’
I smile and pick up my cup of tea.
‘Sorry, El, you don’t want to hear about all this do you?’
‘To be honest, anything that takes my mind off Ben is great.’
‘I’m so sorry he’s left. If I’d been up I would have forced him to stay.’
‘It’s OK, Sascha,’ I say. ‘It’s probably for the best.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘Because if I’d seen him I’d probably have believed any old lie that he told me. It’s better if I don’t see him again and just move on.’
‘I don’t think what he was saying was a lie,’ Sascha says gently. ‘I think this has all just been a terrible misunderstanding.’
‘Oh don’t you start. James was trying to get me to see things from Ben’s point of view yesterday too.’
‘Really?’ Sascha looks surprised. ‘I thought James hated anything to do with Moby’s.’
I shrug. ‘So did I,’ I say.
‘Look, Ellie, from what Ben told me and Marcus yesterday it does seem that he was genuinely trying to stop Moby’s buying you out.’
‘Right from the beginning?’ I ask.
‘Not right from the beginning,’ Sascha says. ‘But certainly from the point he saw the café, saw what you’d done here and how important it is to the community and the town.’
I don’t say anything for a moment.
‘You’ve changed so much, Ellie,’ Sascha says quietly. ‘You’re so different from the woman who turned up here a year ago, so much stronger.’
‘How do you mean?’ I ask.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way but when I first met you I thought you were a flight risk.’
‘A what?’
‘When Miranda first introduced you to me and told me you were buying her and James out of the café I didn’t think you’d stay for long. I thought perhaps you’d do the café up and sell it on. But you proved me wrong.’
‘I had no idea you thought that,’ I say. I can’t work out whether I’m offended or not. I think probably not – I think she’s closer to the truth than I’d like her to be.
‘Lots of people thought it and you know what this town is like. Everybody gossips all the time. They said you were always on the verge of running away.’
‘I always have run away,’ I admit. ‘From so many things.’ I think about what my aunt and uncle had told me yesterday lunchtime. Most of my life I’ve been running away from myself, from that feeling of being abandoned – that feeling that I felt all over again this morning when I saw the plans that Moby’s had been making for the café. My café. ‘But now I’m here I don’t feel I need to run,’ I continue. ‘This was the place I always ran to but now it’s my home. I don’t need to go anywhere else.’
‘Yesterday when Ben and Marcus turned up here and told me what had happened I was surprised.’
‘It was a surprising turn of events,’ I reply.
‘Not just because of Moby’s and the plans,’ Sascha says. ‘Although obviously I was shocked by that. I was surprised that you’d thrown them out instead of walking away yourself.’
‘I’m not walking out of my own café,’ I say.
‘And that’s exactly what I mean about you being stronger. I know you can handle anything.’ She reaches over and squeezes my hand. ‘If you want to see Ben again that’s up to you, but don’t run away from him. Face him and find out the truth.’
‘I honestly don’t know if I have the energy,’ I admit.
‘What’s happened?’ Sascha asks then, peering at me. ‘This isn’t just about Ben, is it?’
I need to tell somebody, to talk to somebody. I can’t keep it all bottled up inside.
‘No, it isn’t just about Ben. Something else happened yesterday when I was at my aunt and uncle’s.’
‘Has your aunt deteriorated?’ she asks.
‘No, nothing like that. It was about my mother.’ I look at Sascha across the table, if there is anyone I can tell the truth to it’s her, the best friend I’ve ever had. And if there is anyone who will understand my mother’s plight it’s Sascha.
I tell her everything as we sit by the fire, her hand on mine. I tell her about how much my mother wanted another baby, how hard it had been for her to conceive and how, when she finally did she lost the baby and the grief sent her almost mad. I tell her about the suicide attempts and the hospitals and the therapy and as I do so she just sits there without interrupting, without judgement, without opinion.
‘And you didn’t know anything about this?’ she asks when I finish.
‘Not until yesterday, no.’
‘Ellie, this is a lot to take on.’
‘I know, I shouldn’t have told you. This must be so triggering for you.’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous, sharing this stuff is what friends are for. It’s what living in a place like Sanderson Bay is all about, isn’t it? Being part of something and knowing that people have got your back.’ She smiles. ‘That’s the payoff for everyone knowing your business I guess.’
‘I don’t know what to think or do,’ I say.
‘What made your aunt and uncle tell you now, after all these years?’
‘We were talking about Ben,’ I say. ‘About the plans from Moby’s and how I felt he’d lied to me, how I felt that he’d abandoned me just like everybody else, just like Marcus had. Just like my mother.’
‘You think your mum abandoned you?’
‘I’ve had this sense of being left behind, this sense of not having a home for such a long time and it stems back to when I was sent to boarding school. From my point of view it just felt as though my parents had left me in a cold, grey part of England and I only got to see them in the summer when they were surrounded by other people. I’ve carried that feeling around for so long that it became the truth and I think it became a mirror to my interactions with other people. It’s almost as though I expect people to abandon me long before they do. Even in those few days I spent with Ben I was expecting it to be over, expecting him to leave.’