He’d partaken a few times over the decades, if only to feel less alone for a few hours. Sure, he preferred stimulating conversation, shared interests, and time spent shoulder to shoulder, but most partners were looking for more than that. At least, short-term partners.
As the times changed, there were certain expectations Gideon couldn’t meet. He enjoyed romance. Kisses and touch and even cuddling with someone he trusted, someone with whom he was comfortable. But it was something he found difficult to ask for, especially when he’d been shamed for such desires in the past.
Men weren’t supposed to be this way, especially men like Gideon. He was big, powerful, and with his size came certain assumptions. And when he didn’t live up to them, it resulted in emasculating mockery or worse, pity. As if he was broken.
For a while he’d believed he was damaged, and it took two Secondary Guardians and an Angel-Fallen hybrid to help him realize that, perhaps, he was exactly the way he was supposed to be.
“You are what he needs,” Jai had said. “The rest doesn’t matter. You can love him, Gideon, even if you don’t want him.”
On some level, Gideon did want Riley. He hadn’t expected there to be attraction, and in the normal sense of the word, there wasn’t. Gideon didn’t want sex from Riley, but he still wanted Riley. Could Riley accept that? Could he ever understand Gideon’s yearning for companionship, intimacy, and love, even if he might never want anything sexual?
Like Noel, Riley was beautiful for a male. Where most men were hard and tough, he was soft and gentle. But he wasn’t weak. He was strong and determined, curious and thirsty for knowledge. In times when a lesser man would have given up, Riley persevered. Protective and loyal, his heart was big enough to love in a way Gideon had never seen before.
At first, Gideon couldn’t believe Jai and Noel’s claims that Riley loved them all equally, but it was apparent in every word Riley spoke, his every look of longing. And it reached into a hidden place inside him, a place that Gideon thought he had buried forever.
With Riley, Gideon could breathe. With Riley, Gideon could simply be. And it was everything.
Sex was iffy, but affection? Touch? Romance? Gideon could do that. Gideon wanted that. And more importantly, he wanted those things with Riley. After weeks of sleeping with Riley in his arms, Gideon despised waking alone to cold sheets. Riley’s cadence of breathing, the scent of Riley on his pillow, Riley’s weight on his chest—he was addicted.
Riley deserved more, more than the limitations of Gideon’s sexual drive, more than Gideon’s fears revolving around Riley’s gender. But maybe what Gideon had to offer could be enough. For the first time in his existence, maybe he could be enough.
“I just want to make you happy.” Riley’s words floated through his mind as the ghost of his fingers blanketed his lips, separating their mouths—the closest Gideon had come to kissing him.
If there was anyone in the universe who could understand Gideon, who could accept him, it would be Riley. Please Maker, let Gideon be enough.
Realizing he had been standing in the doorway like a creep, watching His Secondaries sleep, Gideon backed away and shut the door to the office silently. Jai and Noel were exhausted, and if they had found peace in unconsciousness, even for a little while, Gideon would not rob them of it.
He checked in with Michael, and it was no surprise when the reports showed no sign of Riley anywhere in Gehenna or Sheol. Every lead they found led them to dead ends. It was as if Riley had literally disappeared from the face of the earth.
Their Guardian bonds had been broken, yet Gideon found himself searching through the tattered remains for something, anything, that could still be attached to Riley. But there was nothing. It was like reaching into an empty void, silent and cold.
“Any word?” Gideon asked for the thousandth time.
Michael sighed. “Uriel and Raf are following the latest lead. A warehouse in Styx. Riley might be held there.”
“Let me join them.”
“We’ve been over this.”
“Michael—”
“No! You are in no shape to fight. If we find proof of Riley’s location and more warriors are needed, then we’ll talk. But for now—”
“I cannot stand here and do nothing,” Gideon growled. “I can’t!”
Michael wrapped a firm hand around the back of Gideon’s neck and squeezed. The simple touch thickened Gideon’s throat with emotion, and he succumbed to the weakness. Just for a moment.
Seeking comfort in his brother, Gideon swallowed around the clump of sand in his throat and hid his burning eyes in Michael’s shirt. He smelled of starch and saffron. Gideon nearly wept at the familiar scents.
Michael embraced him in a way he hadn’t since their youth. “I grieve with you, Gideon. We will not stop until we bring him back to you. I promise you.” Michael sighed. “I just wish you would have told us sooner. Did you think we would not have accepted you?”
The question broke through Gideon’s wallowing, and he pulled back in confusion. “Told you what?”
Michael’s pierced eyebrow arched. “We always knew females didn’t interest you often, but you never acted as if you preferred males. You could have trusted us with this.”
Maker have mercy! Gideon was not unpacking the mess that was his sexuality with Michael in a room full of strangers. “I don’t… I’m not… it’s complicated.”
“Last time I checked, I’m a pretty smart guy. I’m sure I could keep up,” he drawled, and Gideon cracked a smile.
“I don’t even know where to begin or how to explain. Mike, I don’t even understand it myself.” Cursing the blush boiling beneath his skin, Gideon tugged on his ear and leaned into Michael’s sturdy grasp on his neck. “All I know is that my heart beats for him. We can’t lose him.”
“Then we won’t give up. We search for him until we find him. But you have to be patient, however difficult that is.” Their foreheads met, Michael’s stare drilling into his, and Gideon nodded.
“I know. I’m trying.”
“I know, brother.” Michael patted Gideon’s neck with a tight-lipped smile. “And for what it’s worth, I’m happy you found someone who breathed life back into you. It’s been good to see you smile again.”
“Michael,” Malachi called from across the room, breaking up their emotional exchange. Gideon breathed a sigh of relief as they made their way back to the monitors.
Uriel’s live feed played on the screens as he and Raphael led a team into a possibly abandoned building in the outskirts of Styx. Jai and Noel, who had woken an hour ago, approached, hands clasped between them as they waited with bated breath.
It was the early morning hours of the fifth day since Riley had been taken, and they were all on edge. Raphael whispered orders through the radio. The camera on their helmets spanned the rundown warehouse. They infiltrated the stairway. All was dark. All was quiet.
The radio squawked, and Uriel’s voice exploded over the speaker. He was cursing like a sailor as the screens lit up with energy bursts, the flash of gunfire, and what looked like a grenade explosion.
“Enemy ambush! Enemy ambush!” Uriel barked orders at his men, and Gideon gripped the back of Michael’s chair until the plastic squeaked. “Fuck, get down! They knew we were coming. Light ’em up. Eat ass, you cunt-sucking, motherfucking asshol—”