I batted at her hands, giving her an unhappy look. “Will you stop trying to clean my aura, please? I said I’m fine.”
She lifted her hands in surrender, but she did it with that look all parents got when they knew their kid was full of shit. “Fine, fine. If you say so.”
“I do say so,” I declared, grabbing a hunk of hamburger meat and working it into a patty. “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s totally fine.”
“You sure about that?” she hesitantly asked seconds later.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re beating the hell out of that hamburger meat like it made fun of your momma and owes you money.”
I looked back down to the patty in my hand to see that I’d flattened it into a useless, paper-thin disk of raw meat. Dropping it onto the counter, I braced my hands on the chipped Formica top and hung my head. “Damn it.”
“Wanna try again?” Caroline prompted.
“He bought bunk beds,” I stated, lifting my head to meet her gaze. “Bunk beds, Caro.”
Her expression grew befuddled. “Who bought bunk beds?”
“Jensen!” I cried. “Keep up, will you?”
“O-kay,” she dragged out, looking at me like I belonged in a straitjacket and padded room. “So he got bunk beds. Big deal. I mean, I didn’t think grown men his age still slept in those, and no way I’d willingly sleep on the bottom one beneath him—that’s just asking to be squished to death when the top bunk inevitably snaps under his weight—but to each his own I always say.”
“Ugh, no! Not for him. He bought them for Brant on the off chance I let him start having overnight visits. So that he’d have his own space if that day ever comes.”
“Ohhh. Okay, now I’m following. That’s actually kind of sweet. And really thoughtful.”
“I know!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms out.
The confusion returned to her face. “Why do you make it sound like that’s a bad thing?”
“Because it is! I don’t want him to be sweet or thoughtful. Sweet and thoughtful are bad.”
“Because they make you like him just a little bit.”
“Yes!” Realizing she caught me in her trap, I continued, “Wait—no. No. That’s not what I meant. I don’t like him.”
“Shane, honey,” she said, reaching out to place her hand on top of mine, “take a deep breath.” I did as she gently ordered, inhaling deeply and holding it in my lungs for a second before slowly blowing it back out. “There. That’s it. Feel better now?” I didn’t, not really, but I nodded my head anyway. “Good, now tell me what’s really going on right now. And take your time, don’t try to rush or say what you think I want to hear. Give it to me straight.”
I pulled in another breath and counted to five, trying to calm my frazzled nerves before laying it out as best as I could. “Honestly, Aunt Caro, I’m not really sure how I feel. I mean, I really like that he did that for my kid, but I don’t want to like it, if that makes sense. I want Brantley to have everything he deserves. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy. On one hand, I’m grateful he and Jensen seem to be so close, but on the other, I hate it, and that makes me feel like a terrible person.”
She studied me earnestly before asking, “And why do you think you hate it?”
“Because I’m terrified he’s gonna get hurt like I did. That Jensen’s going to let him down too, and I can’t stand the thought of that happening. But also . . .” I trailed off, casting my gaze back to the counter. “It’s because I’m jealous,” I admitted sheepishly. “It’s been just the two of us for so long. Now Jensen’s here and I see how much Brantley loves him, and there’s this part of me that can’t stand it because I want to be his favorite. I want to be all he needs. And I feel like this—this . . . giant asshole has just swooped in and stolen that from me. How selfish is that?”
“It’s not selfish.”
My head shot up at her declaration. “How can you say that?”
She gave me the same smile that had worked to ease my pain for most of my life. “Because it’s true. Those feelings are completely natural. You don’t think there were times when you were growin’ up that I didn’t feel the exact same way about your momma?”
My body rocked back in astonishment. “Are you serious? Why in the world would you ever be jealous of that woman?”
“Because of how much you loved her,” she answered plainly. “Because she was a selfish, self-centered worthless waste of a human being who left behind her two beautiful children, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter that Scoot and I thought of you as ours, she was still your mom. I wasn’t able to fill that role for you, and it sometimes made me jealous.”
I turned my hand over under hers so we were palm to palm. “God, Caro. I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way. You know that’s not the case, right? You have always been so much more of a mother to me than she ever was, and I love you with everything I am because of that.”
Her fingers gave mine a squeeze. “I know that, honey, and it wasn’t you who made me feel like that. It was my own insecurities. We’ve all got them. I’m not sayin’ what I occasionally felt was rational, and it never made me feel any different for you. I never held an ounce of resentment, just like you’ll never feel that way with your baby. My point is, you’re human. We aren’t perfect, Shane. We’re full of flaws. No person should ever be judged by their feelings. They should be judged by the actions they take in regard to those feelings. You’d die before you did anything that would hurt that boy, and that’s what makes you a good person. That’s what makes you selfless.”
That burn behind my eyes was back, only this time it had nothing to do with anger. Pulling my hand from hers, I wrapped my arms around my aunt and hugged her tight. “You’re the best, you know that?”
“Of course I do, honey pie,” she teased once we broke apart. “Now, about the bunk bed situation . . .”
“Oh God,” I groaned dramatically. “Don’t start.”
“I’m not sayin’ you have to dive right into the whole overnight thing right away, but maybe it’s time to consider a different approach to this whole visitation gig. Whether you like it or not, he’s here. You can’t pretend he doesn’t exist forever. Scooter will keep this charade up as long as you need, but you and that man out there are eventually gonna have to suck it up and start actin’ like adults. You two have this whole damn town walkin’ around on eggshells. We’re all sittin’ back, waiting for the explosion that’s bound to happen.”
With one patty down, I started on the second, casting my aunt a stubborn glare. “You know, I really hate it when you’re all wise and levelheaded and stuff.”
She gave me a smug grin. “Well one of us has to be. You can’t keep goin’ down this current path, darlin’. It’s a dead end straight into ugliness.”
“Whatever,” I grumbled under my breath. Everything she’d said resonated, but I wasn’t willing to give her credit just yet. “I’ll think about it.”