Ryan rocked back on his worn boot heels. “Best open it and see, I guess.”
I pressed my lips together, considered, and jerked my chin back toward the swing. “Want to sit with me while I read it?”
His eyebrows shot up, and his eyes widened as if I’d just asked him to run for president or something. Instead of answering, he sauntered across the porch and settled onto the swing like he belonged there. Maybe he did.
The empty glass reminded me of Ida’s manners. “Wait here. I’ll get us some tea.”
A few moments later I returned with two glasses and found Ryan skimming through the book I’d left on the swing.
“Good book?”
I shrugged as I handed him a glass. “Haven’t started it.”
He handed me the romance, and I set the novel and my tea on the table. Ryan leaned his shoulder into mine, and together we began to read.
Casey,
If Ryan is following my instructions, you should get this letter two weeks after the last one. You’re probably wondering why I’m spacing them out instead of giving you everything all at once.
A soft chuckle bubbled out of my throat. Yep.
No reason to drink from a firehose, dear. The biggest lesson I can teach you may be to learn how to slow down and breathe. Take time to enjoy God’s creation once in a while. Enjoy a book on the front porch swing. Take a bubble bath.
My gaze darted to Ryan.
He caught my eye and barked a little laugh. “Looks like you figured that part out on your own.”
Having him read this with me seemed strangely intimate. Like having someone listen in on a private conversation with your therapist. But at the same time, the comfort of having a friend who could understand pushed away any awkwardness. I raised my eyebrows in response and turned back to the letter.
During this time, I hope you’ve gotten to know people around town, been listening to Brother Lawrence bring the Word, and found time to rest and rejuvenate your soul. You’ve worked so hard and been through so much. I pray God uses this time to quiet your heart, and, without so many troubles pressing down on you, you’ll see His presence in your life.
My shoulders tensed, and I closed my eyes.
As though sensing the shift, Ryan’s hand fell on mine. “You okay?”
I sucked in a long breath of the humid air. “So much for no troubles, huh?” I’d meant for the words to sound ironic, maybe even a bit snarky, but instead they poured out bitter.
“Life is full of trouble no matter where we are.”
Comforting. I shot him a look and wiggled the paper in my other hand. “She wanted me to have a time of quiet to see God, but instead, God gave me a tree through the house, no AC, and problems with the insurance.” I dropped my head back against the swing and groaned.
“That’s true. But in the middle of that, you’ve had a good time cooking with my mom, you bonded with a teen who needs a friend, and you even brought a book out to the porch.” Ryan squeezed my hand until I lifted my head and met his gaze. “The good parts are like water. They flow all around the troubles in our lives. What you really need is to find peace in the midst of troubles and thank God for the good parts that flow around them.”
His words made sense, the logic sound. “I get what you’re saying, but it’s hard to find peace when you’re struggling to survive.”
He laced his fingers between mine, infusing me with his quiet strength. “You’re right. It is. That’s why we’re promised a peace from God that passes all understanding. He can give peace even when it makes no sense.”
Must be why Ryan never seemed riled. I lifted the paper and cleared my throat. “Let’s keep reading.”
He held my gaze for a moment, brown eyes searching way too deep. Something inside me tightened, splintered…cracked. Did he know his words had knifed through me, cutting into my walls and piercing tender places inside? I wanted peace. But experience had taught me that I’d never find peace when life kept shooting me with barbed circumstances. I swallowed back a burning in my throat. Heat that had nothing to do with the weather crawled over me, making it difficult to breathe.
I broke eye contact before he could do any more damage to my composure. I focused on Ida’s letter. First I’d find answers. Then maybe I’d find peace.
What I’m going to share with you next is going to be difficult. But by this time I’m hoping you’ve learned enough about our family and my heart to know that I never wanted you to be hurt. I wish things could have been different, but there is purpose in everything. God can bring good from all pain, and I thank Him each day that I was able to know you. Even if only for a little while. I do love you so.
I swallowed deeply.
“Would you like to read this privately?” Ryan’s tone held gentle compassion.
“I don’t want to be alone.” Whoa. Not what I meant to say. Truth, but not truth I’d meant to share.
Ryan simply held my hand while I gathered myself and we continued to read.
It’s time I tell you what happened to your parents. There’s no easy way to go about this, so I’m just going to get everything out on paper. By the end of my story, I can only pray you don’t hate me.
Mike loved Haley. He’d have done anything for her smile. Their love was like a tornado, wild and out of control. She made him laugh, brought a spark to his eyes. Everything he did revolved around her. The intensity of his devotion scared me. I didn’t like the idea of my son being obsessed with a girl. I feared the power she could hold over him or what a breakup would do to him.
The winter of their senior year, Mike insisted he would marry Haley. I objected. He hadn’t even graduated high school. There was so much he needed to do first. Go to college, grow up.
But love has a way of overshadowing everything else. I should have tried to be more understanding. I shouldn’t have pushed Mike so hard. By trying to protect him, I hammered a wedge between us.
Mike believed I didn’t like Haley. I did. Haley was a sweet girl. Kind, thoughtful. And she doted on Mike. But they were so young. So inexperienced. I kept telling him he wasn’t ready. If they were really in love, they could wait a few years. Finish college.
For the first time since his father’s death, Mike refused to listen to my advice. I see now how I’d blamed Haley for the rift growing between us. Blinded by love in my own way, I could only see the way she’d completely stolen my son’s heart. His entire world revolved around her.
In hindsight, I can see how selfish I was. I wasn’t ready for him to have a wife, to have another woman in his life. That’s terrible. I know. But I promised myself I would be honest, and there’s the awful truth of it. I didn’t attend my son’s wedding because I’d been too stubborn and selfish to support his decision. I should have been there for him no matter what. If the marriage had fallen apart, I could have been there to help him pick up the pieces. Instead, my only child felt he had to escape me to be happy.
In Mississippi, you had to be twenty-one to get married. In Alabama, you only had to be eighteen. They left one morning during Christmas break, and, when he came home, he was a married man.
That moment is seared into my heart and soul. I’d waited by the window for hours, fearing what he’d done. I’ll never forget seeing him hop out of his truck, open the door for her, and tug her toward the house. She seemed so hesitant.