My stomach sank, and for the first time since my mother died, I thought I might cry. I didn’t want this for her. I didn’t want this for us. I wanted everything with Maddie, including a family. In an instant, a dream I hadn’t fully realized was ripped away. I choked on it, just for a second. Maddie was watching me, evaluating my reaction. I wasn’t sure what to say. So, I didn’t say anything.
“You should go,” she said.
“What?” My tone was aggressive. I felt the heat of anger bubbling under my skin. She was being so irrational. I should go? What in God’s name was she talking about? This was a big deal. We needed to talk about it. I stood and moved to her but she stepped back.
“This isn’t what you want.” She turned, grabbed my gray t-shirt from its discarded place on the couch, and threw it at me.
I caught it. I lost control and yelled, “Maddie, stop.”
“It’s all over your face,” she yelled back. “I want you to go.” She was crying now.
“Please,” I tried to get close to her again.
This time, with intention, she cut in front of me, grabbed my boots, and headed to the door. Throwing it open, she threw my boots out onto the porch and then took my hat off the hook and threw it too before she screamed, “Get out.”
“Fine!” I spat and grabbed my keys from the bowl on the counter. As soon as I crossed the threshold, she slammed the door behind me.
Only then, standing in the sunlight with my shirt and keys in my hands did I really think about what was happening. Maddie couldn’t have my babies. Not being able to do that for me broke her and I let it.
I turned around and banged my fists against the door, “Maddie,” I hollered. “Maddie, please.” No matter how much noise I made, she didn’t answer. I pressed my forehead to the door and whispered, “I love you.”
16
Maddie
The day after I threw Luke out, I drove to Claire’s house. I didn’t call before showing up. To be honest, I didn’t know that I was going there. I got in the car and started driving and when I turned off the engine, I was in her driveway. I rang the doorbell and when she answered the door, she took one look at my face and pulled me into her arms. I hadn’t lived with Claire in more than five years, but her house was the same as it always had been, nothing special. It was a cookie-cutter house in an uninspired zero lot line community, built in the nineteen-eighties. But it was the only place I ever felt cared for and protected, so for me, it was home.
Claire took me inside and settled me on the couch with a blanket and a pillow. “A guy?” she asked.
I confirmed, nodding my head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I looked up at her, blond, older looking than her thirty-seven years, and shook my head. “Not yet,” I said.
She clapped her hands against her legs, stood up, and said, “I’m gonna make us a sandwich. Remote is on the coffee table if you need it.”
And that was it. She let me and all my misery infiltrate her life.
Claire’s husband died before I met her. He was a Marine. It was friendly fire. I was pretty sure her heartbreak was forever. Sometimes I felt guilty because I knew that if she had been happy and married, she wouldn’t have had such a soft spot for me. Her loneliness recognized mine. Other times, I thought all we had was each other. Either way, I was thankful for her.
After that first afternoon on her couch, I decided that I needed more Claire to get over Luke, so I texted in sick to both Rufus and Delores and stayed with Claire for five days. For five days, Claire didn’t ask me many questions, if any. She brought me ice cream and put up with my moody music and crying. And then, on day five, she came into her guest room and raised the shades, letting the sunlight in.
“Time to tell me the whole story,” she said with her hands on her hips.
I rolled over and covered my face with a pillow, trying to block out the light like a teenager.
“I’m tired of listening to that phone buzz on my kitchen countertop. What the hell is going on, Maddie?”
I pushed myself up so that I was leaning against the headboard and hugged the pillow to my chest. “I fell in love,” I said and then started crying.
Claire crawled into bed next to me. “That doesn’t sound so bad,” she said, her voice laced with consideration for my heart.
“He’s so crazy good, but he comes from this big family and it can’t work, Claire.”
She knew why. “Because you can’t give him a family?”
I nodded.
“Did he say that?” she asked. “Or did you tell him that?”
“You should see him with little kids,” I whispered, intentionally ignoring her point.
“Science has come a long way. You never know. It might be different now than when they told you that you couldn’t have babies.”
“He deserves his own family. Little toe heads that carry his genes. He’ll love them.” I wiped the tears from my eyes, growing braver in my decision to push him away.
“I think maybe he loves you.”
I stood up. “I’m going to shower.”
Claire kept talking, “You deserve love, Maddie. A big giant overwhelming love that fills you to the brim.”
I turned to her and smiled weakly, “You do too.”
She smirked back, “Touché.”
On day six, I went home. Claire hugged me goodbye and I promised to come back in a few weeks. On the drive, I called Delores.
She answered the phone by saying, “Oh, thank God. Where are you? I’ve been so worried. Are you okay?”
I was surprised she was concerned. “I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t call.” I sounded monotone even to myself.
“What did you do to that boy? He is here every day, Maddie.”
How embarrassing. I hadn’t considered that scenario. I figured that as long as I didn’t answer his calls, he’d get the message that there was no solution here. “I’m so sorry, Delores. I didn’t mean to bring my drama into the salon.”
She laughed, “What is better than drama in a salon? I’m just sorry you’re hurting, honey.”
“I really don’t want to see him.”
“He shows up every day, as soon as he’s done on the ranch. If you want, I can go out there and run him off for you.”
“No, I’ll be in tomorrow. I’ll take care of it.”
Before I hung up, she said, “I can’t wait to see you. I know you’ve only been here for a few months, but this place isn’t the same without you now.”
Hearing her care, her sentiment that I belonged, I knew I wanted Conway to be my home, but I wondered how I could breathe in the town where Luke would meet someone else, fall in love, and have the babies I could never give him.
17
Luke
I was sitting at the dining table with my family when I received Maddie’s text.
It said: Luke, please stop looking for me at the salon. You are keeping me from doing my job. Also, do not come to my house. If you continue to pursue me, you will force me to permanently leave Conway. I’m sorry. It’s better this way.