“Would you in the future if you met a woman you vibed with?”
Jesus. How many times was he going to use that word in this awkward-as-fuck conversation? I shrugged. “Probably. I think I’m bi. Most guys round here are.”
“Doesn’t matter what anyone else is, mate.”
“I know, it’s just hard when everyone around me is so sure of who they are. It scares me.”
It felt so good to finally say it out loud. And so mortifying, I wanted the laminate floor I’d spent a week fitting to swallow me whole.
Cole draped a long arm around my shoulders. I flinched. He chuckled softly. “It’s okay. I’m not going to jump you.”
Disappointment and relief warred in my gut. His warm arm pressed against the nape of my neck set my whole body on fire, but the reality that I had zero clue how to handle the blaze was terrifying. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“Why not? I’ve already let you know I’m feeling a buzz between us. Hooking up would be easy.”
“For you.”
“Yeah. And for you, if we got it right, but I don’t want to get it wrong with you, so it’s probably best I keep my hands to myself.”
I wanted to question how his arm around me went along with keeping his hands to himself, but it felt too good for me to risk him taking it back. So I said nothing. Just leaned into him slightly until the increasing thump of my heart told me it was time to leave.
4
Cole
I spent far too much time worrying about catastrophes that never happened. For reasons I’d never understand, it had escaped me that Ella was eight months old and couldn’t care less where I put her cot, providing I came when she called. She didn’t care that our bags lay still packed by the door or that her blankets were in a heap on my bed instead of folded in the cupboard. Or that there was no food in the fridge except hers, and the paint was still drying in the hallway.
In fact, she didn’t seem to care about anything except the fact that Toby, who I hadn’t seen since he’d fled the cottage two days ago, was coming across the yard. He hadn’t even seen us, and somehow she was gurgling and cooing like she’d spotted her long-lost granddad. How was this even my life?
I shut my car boot. The thunk drew Toby’s gaze from the ground. We locked eyes and his widened—clearly, I was the last person he expected to see. But we were caught in a vortex of awkward. He had nowhere to go to avoid us, and neither did we.
Not that I wanted to avoid him. Or him to be uncomfortable around me. The other night had been . . . something. At any given moment, I lurched from regretting opening my big fat mouth to being glad I knew where he was in his life before I’d done something really fucking stupid. Like suggesting a hook up when it was quite plain he’d never been so much as kissed by a bloke, let alone anything else.
And fuck, if the thought of kissing him hadn’t haunted my dreams ever since. In a world where my every thought had revolved around Ella since she’d been born, it was startling to be so fixated on someone I barely knew.
Startling, and confusing as hell. Being attracted to men was nothing new for me, but I wasn’t expecting the pinch in my chest every time I saw Toby. Especially as getting up in new feels for anyone was the last thing I had time for right now.
Ella leaned away from my chest, still happily gurgling. I blinked and realised she was reaching for Toby who was somehow right in front of me and raising his arms in return.
Dazed, I let it happen. Toby lifted her clear of my grasp and dropped her on his hip like he’d done it a thousand times. My descent into the Twilight Zone was complete.
Toby didn’t look at me. He contorted his sweet face into a ridiculous expression for the sole purpose of Ella’s amusement while I watched like an awed spectator. Ella was pretty chill with me and her mum. She’d never enjoyed being passed around, though, and seeing her take to Toby as if she’d known him her whole short life was another strange new thing I was unprepared for.
I took a deep breath, glad I had no shoes on, and forced myself to act like a normal person. “Mornin’. Though I guess it’s afternoon on the farm by now, right?”
Toby’s gaze flickered to me. “Certainly is. But I reckon this little lady has you up with the horses, eh?”
“She’s not so bad. Give her a bottle and she goes back to sleep.”
“Sounds like Joe. Does she eat solids yet?”
“A bit. She’d rather smear it on her head, though.”
Toby nodded sagely, as though he had these conversations all the time. Perhaps he did. Aside from the fact that he liked ambient music and was likely a virgin—with men, at least—I knew nothing about him. “You look like you’ve held a baby before.”
“I have. Hundreds of times. My sisters have a gazillion kids between them.”
“Do they live around here?”
“Not anymore. They moved away after my mum’s house went back to the council.”
“She died?”
“Yup.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. It was a while ago.”
“Where do you live now?”
Toby spun around with Ella in his arms and pointed towards the main road. “I rent the annexe at George’s place.”
“George?”
“Old bloke. He’s supposed to be retired, but he works here anyway. You’ll see him around.” Toby tickled Ella’s cheek. “What about you, bug? Where do you live when you’re not with your dad?”
“Bude.”
“She’s Cornish?”
“Nope. Born in Hammersmith. But her mum moved down here a month ago, so maybe she’ll end up with an accent like yours.”
“Not mine, I have too much of my dad’s Irish. But I suppose it’s better that than cockney hipster.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll take that, but only because she likes you.”
The moment fell for me to take Ella back, but as I raised my arms, Harry and Rhys wandered out of the main house. If they were surprised to see Toby holding my kid like she was his own, it didn’t show, but I felt Rhys’s gaze all over me. Always did, in my convoluted mind, at least.
Harry took Ella from Toby. She seemed so small in his big arms that my heart did a little flip. Harry was the softest dude in the world, but what if—
Toby nudged me. I tore my gaze from Ella, but he was already walking away, leaving me to ponder the meaning of his elbow in my ribs and why the simple gesture made me spin for a loop.
Maybe it’s not Toby. Maybe it’s you.
True facts, but it had been a very long time since I’d last felt so unbalanced. I’d worked hard to be a man who had something to offer other people, and the knot in my chest scared me. And distracted me to the point that I barely noticed Harry relinquishing Ella to Rhys and ambling away.
“He’s a nice kid,” Rhys said when I failed to speak.
“Who?”
“Toby.”
“Kid?” I scoffed. “He’s twenty-four.”
Rhys whistled. “Is he really? Jesus. He’s got such a babyface, I forget.”
“I like him.” I spoke to myself as much as Rhys, but he hummed his agreement.