‘I made a dick of myself by blathering about how I’d know and not thinking you’d ask “why” and then I had to do that lame mislead. I thought you guessed?!’
‘No,’ Laurie said, replaying it in her head. Her? She was Eve?
‘Take anything I’ve said as part of this performance art from, oh, I don’t know. At least from Lincoln onwards. Possibly at fancy steak restaurants. I meant everything I said. I felt what I felt before I knew what I felt, you know what I mean?’
She remembered how reluctant he’d been to tell her how he rebuffed that girl at Hawksmoor: I don’t want to share you. He’d spooked himself because as he’d said it, he knew it was true?
Laurie laughed, in nerves and shock and disbelief, and yes, even if she didn’t admit it, joy. ‘You said love was a temporary manic state, like a debilitating psychosis!’
‘Yes, and I was wrong. I was ignorant, and arrogant. I thought because I’d never experienced it, it didn’t exist. It’s not being out of your mind. It’s being in it, it’s complete certainty. When I’m with you, I know I’m where I belong. I want this to be real, Laurie. I want you to be mine. I want to be yours.’
Prince started on ‘I Wish U Heaven’: his music should be regulated, as a Class A intoxicating substance.
‘And,’ Jamie said. ‘I think you feel the same way, but you won’t trust it, or me, because of who I was when you met me.’
Laurie sucked in a breath that went to the bottom of her ribcage.
‘It’s true that I haven’t got the strength for another rejection, after you try out being a one-woman man and find it’s not for you.’
‘That’s not going to happen.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘I just do.’
‘Bit risky …’
‘What if I’m right?’ His hair was so dark when it was wet. Laurie felt this was sort of detail was unhelpful, in coming to a reasoned decision. ‘The risk isn’t worth it? I’d risk anything for what I felt between us tonight.’
‘I’ve only recently mended myself. I don’t feel so brave,’ she said, a small wobble in her words.
‘OK. I’ll be brave for both of us. Kiss me. Afterwards you can tell me that there’s not enough here worth taking a chance on, and we should leave it as mates.’
‘I don’t owe you a snog, Jamie Carter!’ Laurie said, laughing.
‘No, you don’t.’
Jamie moved in and Laurie almost sprang back with the shock of finally being at the point of something she’d thought about doing, so many times.
‘But that doesn’t mean I want to kiss you any less.’
He inclined his head, ducked down and when his lips met hers, he was right: Laurie forgot every single objection she had.
She put her hands on the back of his head and her arm round his body and finally gave in to longing she had no idea she could still feel – no, that she could ever feel; this was something a few leagues above her and Dan’s most intense early years. She and Dan hadn’t known each other when their lips had first met, she and Jamie were finally expressing something that had built and built.
Time slowed, the rain thundered down outside.
After minutes of kissing passionately, he pulled back slightly.
‘Why didn’t we do that ages ago?’ Jamie said, his eyes blue-black.
‘Because we’d have known how we felt about each other straight away? The cat would’ve been right out of the bag, and we’d have had to deal with the cat parading around.’ Laurie grinned. ‘I don’t think I could’ve carried off kissing you like that as just a contractual obligation.’
‘Yes. That’s true.’ He smiled.
‘Jamie. The reason I kissed Angus is … after we danced together, I came back into the room, you were talking to some beautiful girl. That’s what I know being in love with you is going to be like. Like trying to keep running water in a sieve. I know this – we – are new right now, so it’s exciting. It won’t always be new.’
Jamie frowned. ‘Katya? From Barker’s? She’s gay.’
‘OK. You still see my greater point.’
‘An hour ago I had to physically detach you from another man, and your take away is that I might cheat?’
Laurie laughed. ‘Come on, though. You’re asking me to accept a major change in your outlook, here.’
‘I get why you want guarantees,’ Jamie said. ‘I can only make you a promise.’
‘Which is?’
‘Whatever happens next … you’re my soulmate.’
41
‘Oh no, fuck that! You don’t get to do: “We kissed, woo, wavy lines screen fade”. We need details.’
Jamie had spent Friday and Saturday nights at Laurie’s, and by Sunday, they agreed it was time for him to give some quality time to Margaret the cat, so Laurie went for a walk in Etherow Country Park with Emily and Nadia.
She decided to drop the ‘I have been having sex with Jamie Carter all weekend’ bombshell when they were half an hour in, having some water. She was worried they’d spot it from the way she was walking.
Naturally, Emily spat her Evian in a huge arc.
Nadia straightened her cloche hat. Laurie wondered if she’d wear it in summer.
‘We do, we need details,’ Nadia agreed.
‘It was … good,’ Laurie said, knowing she was involuntarily doing a smug, dazzle eyed, faraway face. ‘It was better than good. He said …’
‘Yes?!’ Emily said, primed for porn.
‘He said I’d knackered him out by the time he left.’
‘Haha oh my God! Was it face holding I ruv you, or virile mean pounding?’
‘Kind of a combination?’
‘Oof. Potent.’
The First One After Dan experience had been a strange combination of quite overwhelming and completely straightforward. Laurie had built it up to be a seismic shift in the universe, some kind of nude Krypton Factor challenge where she’d be marked out of ten for adventurousness. When in fact, rolling around unclothed with someone else was, it turned out, rolling around unclothed with someone else. It all worked on instinct, really. Knowing what to do next. Once she realised she was neither offputting, nor remotely boring to him, she was, as Jamie said, unstoppable.
‘He looks very nice without his clothes. He didn’t suggest we did anything athletic or freaky or involving ropes, so that was a relief. And he was very good at it and it was bloody nice and I’d like to do it again soon, that’s all, ARGH.’
‘OK, not exactly an excerpt from Anaïs Nin but we can work with that,’ Emily said. ‘Going forward, please take more notes.’
Emily was, as to be expected, overjoyed Laurie had taken her advice. Except with her usual ratlike cunning, had deduced Laurie had done more than that.
‘You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you? I can see the milk-drunk baby look. You tool.’
‘He says he’s fallen for me too.’
‘No doubt. Just bear in mind you’re still recovering and don’t go too fast. No solitaires from Boodles. No surprise calls to me while I’m away this Christmas to announce rash engagements, and impending mad flits down the aisle, because you got egg nogged up and stupid.’