“See what?” Sidney huffed.
Calvin chuckled. “If you had feathers, they’d be ruffled right about now.”
“Good thing I haven’t got any. What is it you see, because I’ll tell you, I’ve had a devil of a time reconciling what I’ve done.”
Calvin sobered. “What you’ve done? Very well, out with it. Confess your sins, so they can’t weigh on you any longer.”
Sidney shook his head. “It’s not that easy.”
“You’d be surprised how the most terrifying of nightmares dwindle to mere dreams once they are spoken of. What did you do? Kill somebody?”
Sidney rubbed a hand over his face. “Almost. Does that count? And then I ruined his sister and dragged their family name into a scandal.”
Calvin set his cup down. “Was this all in one night?”
Sidney glared at him. “I’m glad you’re amused, but I’ve been…struggling with this…this secret I’ve had to keep. It is eating me up inside, and when I look at Cassie, I feel like I’m lying to her and her family. I betrayed them and yet…they welcome me.”
Calvin shook his head. “I’m not following, what does this secret have to do with your bride and her family?”
“It involves Tristan.”
“Stop being so bloody cryptic, Sidney. Out with it.”
“I was sworn to secrecy.”
“This is Star Frost. Who am I going to tell? You need to unburden yourself of this.”
Sidney leaned back in his chair and took a swig of coffee. It was too hot, but he fought the urge to cough and relished the burn. He cleared his throat. “I got Tristan stabbed. He nearly died. He asked me not to tell his family, so I didn’t.”
“Duel?”
“Muggers. We were cutting through a park at night. I was…knocked unconscious, and when I woke, he was there, bleeding.”
“You didn’t stab him, don’t punish yourself for that.”
“How can I not? I wanted to cut through the park. I was drunk. I couldn’t hold my own.”
“How many men?”
“There were four.”
Calvin shook his head at him. “None of that is your fault. Terrible things just…happen.”
“Is that what you tell yourself? It works?” Sidney asked hopefully.
“It’s what I tell the girls. Clara has nightmares about the fire. About not being able to save her mother. I can’t tell you how much that destroys me.”
Sidney wanted to curse for Clara. “That’s awful.”
“She patrols the house at night. She won’t take a separate room from her sister, and she keeps a bucket of water by her bed. Just in case. That little girl is dealing with a whole mountain of issues that I can’t fix, and it terrifies me. No matter what I do, I can’t make her feel safe. But I do listen, and I do share my own pain because that’s how she’ll know she’s not alone. It kills me, but I do it for her sake.”
“So, what do I do?” Sidney asked. His problems felt so insignificant compared to Calvin’s now.
“Tell her. Confess your troubles. Women love to fix us, but more importantly, they love to listen. They have such capacity for sympathy and compassion. Whatever happened, I bet my whole estate she won’t hold it against you. Marriage is about sharing burdens. Don’t keep this from her.”
His stomach roiled, but not for food. What would Cassie do if she knew the truth? Hate him? He couldn’t accept his role in Tristan’s injury, how could she?
“That is your advice?”
Calvin nodded. “It is. Take it or suffer. Your choice. Now, we should rescue your wife before she’s enlisted in some scheme. Think about what I said.”
Chapter 13
For two whole days Cassie played with the twins and came to know the reserved Miss Grace, who definitely had a past she was trying to hide, according to Clara and Josephine. Cassie was inclined to agree.
What bothered her was Sidney’s strange behavior. He was present for most things, riding, walks, meals, but distant and quiet. Cassie was fast running out of patience. But when they retired to bed, and she prepared to call him out, he used evasive tactics. Kissing her before she could say a word, taking her to bed and making mad, desperate love to her until she collapsed and fell asleep.
Then morning would come, and he’d be dressed and out the door before she woke.
Today was the final straw.
He’d talk to her about whatever it was or…she’d enlist the twins in a kidnapping.
They all ate breakfast together, and then the twins were led away for morning lessons with Miss Grace. The duke had his own morning duties to tend to, and so Cassie took it upon herself to lure Sidney away from the newspaper for a walk.
She stood from her chair, prompting him to stand from his.
“The sky is clear after last night’s rain. Won’t you walk with me? I need to stretch my legs.”
“Your energy astounds me. We hiked for four hours yesterday,” he replied.
“A ride then?”
“I’d rather enjoy the quiet morning.”
Cassie grit her teeth through a smile. “Very well, I’ll just go up to the room and undress and return to bed. I’ll find some way to occupy myself…alone.”
He set the paper down. “I am tired. I could use a nap. I didn’t sleep well with all that rain rattling the windows.”
“Nor did I, but first, let’s help our breakfast settle with a brief walk.” Cassie knew once they reached the bedroom, his hands would be on her and nothing would be said.
He frowned.
“Come along.” She took his hand and dragged him out the front door.
Cassie wasn’t used to December weather on Star Frost. They’d rushed out without proper coats, and now she was feeling the cold as they strolled down the drive.
“Eager to get me alone?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact.” She snapped at him. Drat, she didn’t mean to come off so harsh, but the frustration was too much.
“You’re angry with me,” he stated.
She pivoted to face him. “Or you’re angry with me. I don’t know what it is because you won’t talk to me.”
They both halted in the drive.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
Her head snapped back. “That’s all?”
“I’m trying, Cass. Pleas know that. I just…”
“Can’t put it into words, like when you told me you loved me? What did I do?”
His shoulders slumped. “You didn’t do anything. It’s me. I did something.”
Cassie’s courage faltered. “What?” What could he have done? Did she want to know? How badly would it hurt? She’d thought—she’d hoped they were past this. But there was still a piece of him she didn’t know. A secret, apparently, a big regret. She took a deep breath.
“Whatever it is, I—”
“Argh! Put up yer hands, ye slimy landlubbers!” Clara jumped out of the bushes, wood sword in hand, followed by Josephine carrying a rope and a red-cheeked, out-of-breath Miss Grace.
“Girls, why aren’t you doing lessons?” Sidney asked.