As my breath shakes and my shoulders press into his hard chest, I only love him right now. It kills me to see him hurt, and the idea of leaving this room without him destroys me.
At the thought, my eyes widen and I pull my head back so I can look him in the eyes. My hot face feels the instant chill of the air as I search his blue gaze for some sign of what’s happening.
He still doesn’t speak.
“Please, say something.”
“The guard just told me something,” he says and his voice is raw and pained.
Shattered is what I feel. There is zero doubt that any other word could describe it better. Broken and in disarray, all I can do is wait. His throat tightens when he swallows, his eyes holding nothing but regret in them. I’m fucked. That’s all I can think. They have good evidence on the murder in my apartment or hell, the murder in my cell. Fuck! Fuck! How did this happen? I just want to scream.
My gaze falls as he tells me, “They told me…” he trails off and doesn’t finish.
My hand is still wrapped around his shirt.
Something awful, something dreadful. If I could will myself to release him and back away, I would. But I can’t. I physically can’t. I’d rather be stuck here, a shattered girl unable to hate a man who’s hurt me more than he’ll ever know because I desperately need him to love me right now… yet all he bears for me is more bad news. Something to drag me farther into this hell.
“They told me you that you killed someone. I’m so fucking sorry, Laura. I don’t know how you could ever forgive me.” My eyes rise slowly to meet his.
Thump, my heart skitters as Seth attempts to keep his expression schooled, not letting the sorrow take over although it’s so close to doing just that already.
It takes me a long moment to realize he’s apologizing and that this is about Walters and Jean.
“It’s about Jean?” I question him, finding a bit of hope. It loosens my grip on him and I’m damn quick to tighten it the moment I’m aware of it. “That look in your eyes and what the guards told you? They know? Who knows? What did they say?” The series of breakneck questions is nothing at all like the initial ones. I rise up, not letting go of him and pulling myself closer to him as his expression morphs to something else entirely.
“Only the men who need to know, know. Everyone else is convinced its suicide. Or they better be, for their own good. Are you okay?”
He searches my expression, probably finding a hint of relief.
“I’m fine. And what about you?” I say and swallow, trying to calm myself. His hand covers my fisted one and I watch as his thumb grazes my skin. “What happened to you?” I whisper.
“Not here,” he answers in a single breath then looks behind him at the window of the heavy metal door. “Soon though,” he tells me and pulls my hand from his shirt, lifting my knuckles to his lips and kissing them.
The revolving door of emotions is endless.
“What else did they tell you?” I find myself crossing my arms over my chest, closer to my heart. If he has eyes and ears in this place, does he know… I try to swallow but it hurts. With everything that’s happened, I forgot for a small moment. I forgot about my heart giving up on me.
I watch every detail of Seth’s face. I see the confusion in the twitch of his brow. “Are you okay? What else happened?” he bites out, coming closer to me and glancing at the window. “Did anyone do anything at all to you?” The way he asks the question, with the pain so evident, I’ll never be able to look at him and hate him.
This man would do anything for me. I know he would. I’ve always known that though.
“No,” I say and ease his worry. “No one did anything.”
“I never should have…” Seth trails off and shakes his head, then wraps his arms around my waist. He pulls me in closer and I let him. I need it more than anything.
“You forgive me?” he questions, and his gaze pierces through me. Intense, raw, needy.
“Yes,” I answer and I don’t even know what for.
“Good,” he says then breathes in deeply, still holding my hand to his lips and the warm breath sends a shudder to run down my arm and over my shoulder. He kisses each knuckle again and although I have question after question, I’m quietly waiting for more.
I get nothing, but at the same time, it’s everything. He holds me for the longest time and it’s the safest I’ve felt in God knows how long. Until he speaks.
“None of this should have happened,” he tells me and I hear him swallow, my cheek pressed against his chest. “You and I will work. We will be okay, but I need to punish you for running.”
My arm yanks back in an attempt to rip my hand away, but Seth’s grip is unyielding. So firm it nearly hurts. Seething, I aim to bite back some response that involves the phrase fuck you or maybe you’re out of your damn mind, but the heat and intensity coming off of Seth in waves silences me.
He means it. He’s dead set on whatever it is he’s concocted in his head. My heart flips and pauses like it does when he’s around. As if the medicine has run its course and I need another dose.
The whirlwind of what my life is pauses when I look back into Seth’s gaze.
Did they tell him about my heart? I find myself staring at the small tinted window as if it has answers for me. Did they tell him everything? Or just about Jean?
He would have said something. He would have. I know he would have brought it up if he knew.
He goes on about how I run. I can barely focus on his words, because all I can think about is my heart and how Seth will react when he finds out.
I can only stare into his beautiful eyes, listening to his voice, knowing he’s here in front of me, here to keep me safe. I don’t think they told him. I don’t think he knows. I don’t want him to. I’d rather he not have that to weigh him down like it does me. I hate this, the uncertainty. The pressure. Everything is falling to pieces but I need to be strong for the time I have left.
“Babygirl, you’re mine. You know that, don’t you?”
I’m nodding my head before I’m even aware of it.
“We’re going to be fine, but you need to have your ass blistered red for running.”
How can he bring it up so easily? I ran because of what he confessed and here he is, talking about it in this way. As if all of this is my fault. My heart ticks erratically again and I find it hard to care about it. I need him. I need Seth to hold me right now.
“Don’t cry.” Seth’s voice is gentle but firm. He takes a half step closer to me so there’s no space between us. “I can’t let this happen again,” he tells me.
I didn’t even know I was crying. I hate how easily I cry now. Am I broken entirely? This is what it’s like to be ruined.
“It won’t happen again,” I tell him in a whisper.
Finally releasing my hand, he wraps both of his arms around me and I let myself fall forward. None of it matters. He rocks me and I pretend not to feel the weight of my reality.
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Seth promises me, kissing my hair. “You’ll be out of here soon and then you’ll stay with me. You’re not allowed to leave me again.”
His voice is what brings back tears to my eyes. These fucking tears. All I’ve done is cry. I should be through with them by now. But he’s so sure, so certain of himself that I’ll never leave him again. I can hear it in his tone and how much determination and hope are present there. If only he keeps me by his side, everything will be fine. As if he’s capable of that. He doesn’t know my heart is withered and frail. He doesn’t know it can’t last.