It was nerve-wracking, this waiting.
That was probably why I was seriously considering the proposal J.J. had given once but never mentioned again.
I knew when I parked in front of the McClanes' pretty white farmhouse on Sunday that I would have to ask Cam tomorrow at work. It was the only way I could decide what my next step should be.
Logically, I knew marriage was not my only option since I wanted to keep the baby. I could find a job with benefits, probably closer to the city, and do just fine. Though I'd have to put the baby in daycare and that would cost an arm and a leg.
There was also the fact that I'd have to move. Right now, I had no rent or mortgage payment, just taxes and insurance, which in our little part of the world, wasn't too expensive.
If I moved closer to the city, those prices would be astronomical.
And I wouldn't be close enough for my parents and siblings to help me out by babysitting or running errands if I was in a pinch. Two of my brothers had kids and I remembered how crazy the first year of their kids' lives were. I was going to need help. If I tried to do everything myself, I would explode.
All of these thoughts were still racing in my brain when I walked up the front steps. The first person I saw was Cam because she opened the door and met me on the porch.
"Hey, Lee. Um, can I talk to you for a second before we go inside?" she asked.
I nodded. The heat in September was still intense, but the shade of the porch helped some. I ignored the sweat that popped out on my forehead as we shifted toward the swing on the front porch. Cam sat but I shook my head when she gestured for me to join her.
"Motion-slash-morning sickness," I said quietly.
She nodded and laced her fingers together. "I'm not sure exactly how to tell you this, but I thought it would be better if I did it instead of Sierra."
My first thought was that she was firing me, but I doubted she would do that right before a family event that I'd been invited to. The next logical choice was about my request to go full-time and have benefits earlier than she planned.
So, I was somewhat prepared when she said, "I'm so sorry, but there's no way we can get you on full-time and with benefits until February. We have a lot of capital already tied up in the second location and we haven't even started renovations yet. I wanted to put it off, but it was too late. We'd already signed contracts and invested the money. I am so, so sorry," she repeated.
I nodded. "I expected as much. And I meant it when I said that you shouldn't put that off. If you have momentum now, you need to use it because it'll be a lot harder to get the ball rolling again later if you don't."
"I'm worried about you," she said.
"I'll be okay," I reassured her. And myself.
I would be okay. I'd have to be.
"Listen, I know that I gripe about him a lot, but J.J. is a good guy." She stood and cleared her throat. "Don't tell him I said that because his ego is gargantuan enough already. But, if he says he wants to help, that he wants to be involved in the pregnancy and the baby's life, he means it." Her eyes darted toward the house. "He's had two excellent examples of parenthood, plus Brody is an amazing dad, so he'd probably give him some good advice, too."
I glanced toward the house as well and realized I could see J.J. through the thin curtains over the windows. He was moving around in the living room, playing with Jacks. They were both laughing.
"I know," I said as I watched them. "What I don't know is how we're going to make it work."
Cam shrugged. "The only way to figure it out is to sit down and talk about it. Together. It sounds cheesy and very self-help of me, but it's true."
"Yeah, we do need to talk," I murmured.
J.J. must have noticed Cam and I standing in front of the window because he stopped chasing Jacks and sent her into the dining room, probably to find her dad. Then, he sauntered over to the front door and opened it.
"Why are the two of you standing out here in the heat?" he asked, joining us on the porch.
Cam squeezed my hand and did exactly what I figured she would—she abandoned me. "Work stuff. I'm going to go in and see if Mom needs some help with lunch. Maybe y'all should talk."
I sighed as the screen door slapped shut behind her when she went inside. Great, now that she'd planted that little suggestion, I was sure her brother would follow through.
J.J. turned toward me. "You're pale. Are you feeling sick?"
I shook my head. Well, I was feeling sick, but not nauseated. More, sick with anxiety.
"Maybe we should go inside where it's cooler," he said, taking my hand.
"No, it's probably better if we talk about this out here." I took a deep breath as he gave my fingers a gentle squeeze. "Cam and Sierra can't put me on their insurance at the shop right now. They've invested a lot of money into the new location and they're already locked in, so there's no way they can swing it until after January or February."
J.J. nodded but didn't speak.
God, this was hard. I was just going to have to come right out and say it.
"My only other options are to find a job with benefits, probably somewhere closer to the Dallas area, and move away or..." I left the sentence sort of hanging. Nope, couldn't do it. I couldn't bring it up.
"You could marry me," J.J. completed for me.
I glanced up at him. "Or I could do that."
The corner of his mouth quirked in a semblance of a smile. "You make it sound like the worse option of the two."
I took a deep breath. "It's not that it's the worse option," I said. "It's just..."
"Not what you planned."
"No, it's not what I planned," I admitted.
And I think that was what made it so darn scary. Plan was one of my favorite words. Along with list. If I had a plan and a list of tasks to accomplish it, I could do just about anything.
At least that's what my anxiety said.
I was going to have to be honest here but I couldn't meet his eyes while I was. I focused on his collarbone. "I think what I dislike about it the most is that I feel like I'm, well, forcing you to marry me because I'm pregnant. It's not the fifties anymore, single moms are a common occurrence, but it seems antiquated and—"
"Hey, take a breath, please. You're getting paler."
I looked up at him again. "I'm worried that we'll be stuck with each other and one or both of us is going to resent it in the long run."
"What if we keep it in name only? We live in the same house, we share a name and the basic bills, and that's it."
I frowned and he cocked his head. "What?"
God, this was going to be a painful conversation. A lot more painful than my first time, that was for sure. "But what about sex? I mean, I'm not saying you have to sleep with me, but you're probably going to have sex at some point and I don't want to be married to someone who's going to be sleeping with other people."
J.J. studied me and stepped just a bit closer. I tilted my head back so I could see his face. "I can tell you're being honest with me even though it makes you uncomfortable, so I'm going to do the same with you. Before Cam's wedding, I wasn't lying when I said it had been a long time. I've been working so hard for years that I barely have time to date, much less date someone long enough to have sex with them." He cleared his throat and a flush spread across his cheeks. "And, uh, after that night, I'm not really interested in anyone but you, so..."