I had messed things up real badly with her.
After looking at them all, I pulled out the best five.
“Right here,” I said. “These. Just like this though.”
“Sketches? Come on, Josh.”
“I’m telling you. These are good like this. The rawness matters.”
“What about the others?”
“Fuck the others. I’m showing you these. Go with it.”
“You think?”
“I know so.”
“Josh, there’s something else.”
“Another drawing?”
“No. A job offer.”
“A job? You?”
“Listen,” Michelle said. “It’s work. It’s something consistent. But it’s across the country.”
“So, what’s the hesitation?”
“You,” she said.
“Me?” I asked. “No. You can’t say that. Or do that.”
“Do what?”
“There is no… me. You. You and me. Me and you. All that. I’m sorry, Michelle. I really fucked everything up. You were there for me. Even though you don’t know why. But I made it clear what it meant. Or didn’t mean.”
“I know you did,” she said. “I just… I don’t get your heart.”
“Neither do I,” I said.
I spotted Amelia walking through the restaurant again.
Something hit me in the gut, and I pulled myself out of the booth for a second time.
“What are you doing?” Michelle asked.
“Fixing something.”
Amelia came out of the kitchen and jumped when she saw me standing there.
“Again?” she asked.
Her curly hair was sweaty, half matted down, other pieces sticking out everywhere. Her black shirt and black pants worked wonders on a body that I never remembered her having.
“Need you for a minute,” I said.
“Josh…”
“No,” I said.
Amelia sighed and ran a hand over her hair.
She shook her head and moved toward me.
I stepped back again into the dimly lit hallway to the restrooms.
“What are you trying to do to me tonight?” Amelia asked. “I’m trying to work, Josh. I don’t care why you’re here. Or who you’re here with. I have a job. This is my only job, okay? So, whatever you’re-”
My hands touched her waist and pulled her even closer. She let out a little yelp sound and her hands touched my chest. Her eyes became really wide.
It had been such a long time.
Such a long fucking time.
I kissed her.
My lips pressed to hers, long enough to kill some time, but not too long that the kiss would have become hotter.
I pulled away and reached into my pocket.
I had written something on a napkin for her.
“Whenever you’re ready, love,” I whispered into her ear and pressed the piece of napkin into the palm of her hand.
It was the address of where I lived.
If Amelia wanted a story, she’d have to come and get it from me.
Chapter 16
A Meeting III
A LITTLE WHILE AGO
(Josh)
“You can tell me anything, Josh.”
“That’s the most cliché thing I’ve ever heard,” I said as I sat in my usual spot right on the edge of the couch.
“I got you to talk.”
“Yes, you did.”
“You went through a lot in a short period of time. At an age that was hard to begin with.”
“And your point?”
“A lot of that tends to just sit inside of us. You don’t think about it much. Or sometimes you do. But it just sits there. I kind of think of it as a sickness going dormant. Right? You feel okay. You act okay. But then things just aren’t okay. Does that make sense?”
“What makes sense is that you want to rip open the book of my life and flip through those pages as much as you can,” I said. “You want to dig and find and come up with something that’s going to make you feel good and somehow make me feel good.”
“Isn’t that what you want? To feel good?”
“I never once said that. You know exactly why I’m here.”
“Yes, I do. So, let’s start there, Josh. Talk about that night.”
“That night,” I said, making air quotes. “That’s what everyone calls it. That night.”
“What would you like to call it?”
“You know, I’ve had a lot of nights that could be called that night.”
“So, do you want to pick which night is that night to you then?”
I stared and slowly shook my head. “So that’s what you do? I say something and you peel it apart?”
“I try to find the deeper meaning, Josh.”
“Of what?”
“Who you are. The actions you take. The decisions you make. See, from my perspective, it’s easy to judge. That’s what a lot of people do, right? I don’t look at that situation the way others do. I look at each step to the decision and find out what happened. And better yet, figure out what I can do to help you make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”
“Nobody got hurt,” I said.
“This time.”
I laughed. “It wasn’t…” I shut my eyes. “I’ve said a lot about her already. Sometimes I can still hear her. Okay?”
“Did you hear her that night?”
“What if I did?”
“What if you did?”
“Are you going to mark it down that I’m fucking crazy?”
“No.”
“Yeah. Okay. I heard her. I heard her voice. And I was drinking. I mean… a lot. I was as drunk as I had ever been in my life.”
“You blacked out.”
“Exactly. Yet I remember hearing her voice.”
“That’s it?”
“Is there anything else that matters? Everything revolves around her. Everything. My entire existence. Life. What I’ve created. What I will create. There’s no way around it. She is everything.”
“But she’s not here, Josh. Maybe she was-”
“I don’t give a shit what you have to say.” I stood up. “You write your notes. I tell my stories. Life goes on. Whatever I do or don’t do is my business. Not yours.”
“I just want to understand. Probably as much as you do.”
“What don’t I understand?” I asked, my lip curling.
“Why you can’t find your peace with it.”
I was silent.
“Josh?”
I stayed silent.
“Josh… what are you thinking right now?”
Peace.
Peace with it.
How the hell could I ever have peace with it?
I was the one who watched her die.
Chapter 17
Closer to Read
NOW
(Amelia)