“Go home,” she said. She reached for the water and the pills. “I’ll take care of him.”
“You don’t need help with Toby or anything?”
“No.”
“I can carry Aaron upstairs if you want.”
“Just leave, Josh,” Rae said. “Just. Leave.”
She moved from the kitchen.
I wasted no time in leaving.
And I didn’t go home.
I went to Amelia’s.
I sat in the parking lot.
I thought about what to do.
And I figured out why Rae was so pissed at me.
Because I was a liar.
The past was gone, sure.
But it didn’t leave.
And there was a big difference.
And somewhere, caught in the middle of that was a feeling that was like love… the feeling I had for Amelia.
I sat up in the corner of my bed where Amelia had been sipping coffee and staring at me. Only I wasn’t reliving a good memory. I was chasing away something that resembled a nightmare. If I really wanted to get rid of the nightmare for the rest of the night, then hard liquor was the cure.
I skipped that and went for a notebook.
While the rest of my apartment was calm and quiet, my mind and my hand worked furiously. A new idea and concept had been working itself out for a little while and it was time to just go with it. I realized it had been over a month since I last took a picture with my camera. In some way I was distracted from the world around me. That distraction was Amelia. She had nudged the world out of the way and taken up all my attention. I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t trying to change it.
My new concept came down to words.
Just like the way I would hide artwork within pictures, I decided to try something out where I’d hide words and stories within artwork. It was a very rough idea and the sketches I worked on looked very much like blobs instead of actual drawings, but that’s how it went.
Tucked away in the corner of my apartment, working until the pale light of the lamp on my nightstand was traded for the sunrise.
Two things went through my mind when I realized it was morning.
Aaron.
My best friend.
What he and Rae had was complicated and hard to navigate. He had done the one thing he never thought he could do. He bought an engagement ring. Yet he didn't propose and Rae thought he was cheating. A giant mess because they couldn’t be honest with each other.
And that took me to Amelia as the second thing running through my head.
Because it was the same with her.
We were both just floating around, bumping into each other. That part I didn’t mind. The smell of her hair, the taste of her skin, the way her smile seemed to be so casual, yet it was like a cosmic force. But between us there were so many words and stories left untold. Pieces of our past never told while the entire future hung in the balance.
I walked to the window where Amelia had stood.
I was chasing her ghost around my apartment.
That wasn’t me.
I didn't chase ghosts.
I sent them away.
And as I stood there and stared out the window, Amelia slipped out of my mind. In her place came a flood I swore I would hold back and never let loose.
Because sometimes the truth wasn’t what anyone actually wanted to hear.
Chapter 31
The One You Love
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO
(Josh)
I heard the wailing cry and I peeled my eyes open.
It was two-oh-three in the morning.
Now, during the summer or the weekend, this was about the time I was calling it quits after a long night of snacks, soda, video games, and watching adult shows.
But now…
Damn.
And it was totally fine for me to think that word too. And say it.
Gram wasn’t a fan of it. She didn't like those words coming from my mouth, but she knew I said them. So, we had a silent agreement. When she wasn’t around, I could say whatever I wanted. But around her… damn became darn. Shit became shoot. Fuck became fudge. But I hated saying fudge. It was babyish. So I skipped that word all together until she was gone.
The screaming and crying weren’t letting up.
I threw the covers off my body and climbed out of bed.
Never thought I would be thirteen and raising a baby.
That thought went through my head way too many times.
Girls at school thought it was kind of cool though. They thought Delaney was cute and that made me cute. They loved to hear me tell stories about Delaney. They loved when I brought in one of Delaney’s old pacifiers or little toys. I wasn't sure why they liked it so much, but when I talked about Delaney they would giggle, touch my arm, and get closer to me. Some of the girls smelled really good. Some of the girls were going through some serious changes with their bodies. And the way it made me feel…
I hurried down the hallway and opened the door to the nursery Gram threw together in record time. There was nothing like your father showing up after being gone for a few years with a baby in his arms. Or the way that he handed me the baby like he had bought it at a store for me as a gift.
I let my guard down though with him. Something I swore I would never do.
“Hey, baby girl,” I said. “I’m right here.”
Delaney let out a howling cry as she stood there. She reached for me and opened and closed her hands, wanting me to pick her up. She wanted a bottle. That’s what this was. It was so strange to me that I had all her cries memorized and knew what she wanted and needed.
I picked her up and she clung to my shirt as though she didn't think I was coming to get her.
“You're okay, baby girl,” I whispered. “You're okay. I'm here now. I’m going to take care of you.”
I gently bounced her as I slithered toward the door.
I still hadn’t mastered how to make a bottle with one hand, but I was getting there. I had to be careful though because any wasted formula was a big deal. That stuff was not cheap.
“Josh, what are you doing?” Gram’s voice echoed in the hallway.
I heard the sound of her shaking a bottle.
“I’ve got it," I said. “Go back to sleep.”
“You’re a kid. You need sleep.”
“Gram, please,” I said. “I’ll feed her and she’ll crash. You know that.”
“You can’t fall behind in school.”
“I’m fine," I said.
Whether Delaney was here or not, I wasn't going to be doing well in school. It just wasn’t my thing, and nothing was going to change that.
“Oh, sweet little angel,” Gram said to Delaney.
She stroked Delaney’s cheek.
I would never admit it in front of my friends, but Gram's touch could cure anything. She was always so soothing. But she knew how to be tough when the time came.
“Go back to sleep,” I said. “You had her earlier. It’s my turn.”
“This isn't your responsibility, Josh,” Gram said.
“I know that,” I said. “But I love her. I want her to feel safe.”
Gram sighed. “Please get some sleep too. I’ll get her when she wakes again.”