“Angel,” he breathes. There is so much pain in his voice that I have to step back before I fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
I might be his angel, but in this moment, he’s my devil. He made me fall from grace and worship at his feet, he made me fall into darkness and pain, but also such desire and love that it still burns across my skin.
I would have done anything to stay, to protect him and love him…but I can’t now. I owe myself more, even though it hurts to walk away, even though it makes me feel guilty for leaving him when he needs me. I have to focus on my own agony and healing. I can’t be what he needs me to be, I have to put myself first.
I have to love myself before anyone else can, otherwise the bar is set very low. How can I know what I deserve if I don’t even appreciate who and what I am? They could put very little effort in, and it would make me happy because I wouldn’t think I deserved more. Loving yourself always has to come first, and maybe that’s why I’ve had so many failed relationships. Maybe that’s why Justin was able to hurt me so much, and why I accepted so much in that relationship.
Because I didn’t think I deserved better.
There could be nothing further from the truth. I know I deserve better, deserve the love Tyler offered me. But how can I accept that and give the same amount of love back when I’m not loving myself? When I still believe I’m that girl who deserves to be cheated on and unhappy, because it’s easier than admitting I couldn’t look in the mirror and love myself.
But I do now.
I’ve been through so much in this life. I have been hurt, betrayed, and broken. I have loved and laughed so much, it hurts. My body can hold life, it can do incredible things. No matter the scars or tape that holds it together, I need to love every single inch, inside and out, and accept myself fully before anyone else ever can.
We accept the love we believe we deserve. I never truly accepted Tyler’s love, because I always thought I didn’t deserve it, as if the other shoe would drop at any moment, and now that it has, I realise just how truly confused I am inside. I’m young, I don’t need to have it all together, but I do need to be able to be alone.
To be able to be me without someone on my arm or in my bed.
And right now, I need to do that. I need to focus on me, even if it means leaving him when he needs me. If we get back together now, I will always be the girl whose heart he broke when things got hard, who just sat around crying and waiting for him to crook his fingers before I came crawling back.
We need to be equals, partners.
And that means breaking his heart in return.
He falls to his knees before me, just like I did in this very same bathroom not too long ago. This time, it’s me destroying him. “Please,” is all he rasps, even though I see the truth in his eyes. He knows this is over.
“Goodbye, Tyler,” I whisper, and then I allow myself a moment of weakness. I cup his cheeks and memorise those eyes before leaning in and kissing him softly. “I will always love you, Daddy, and maybe we could have been something magnificent, but we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe our time will come again, maybe it won’t, but I will never forget the love and happiness I found with you. Even if I knew it would end in such pain, I would do it all over again just to have you… I forgive you, Tyler Phillips, and I love you.” I kiss him once more, our tears mingling in our goodbye, and then pull away before grabbing my bag and leaving him there on his knees.
Begging.
I feel him staring at me, his tears still wetting my cheeks and his taste lingering on my lips—his heart in my hands.
I shattered his already broken heart, but now I finally have closure.
I can finally move on with my life. I can finally become who I am inside.
No more games, no more hiding or embarrassment.
Life is too short not to live in every single second of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. To embrace it all and the lessons it offers you. Because I will never be that girl or as young as I was in that moment.
And life, life is so fleeting. Look at how quickly Justin’s was taken.
No, life is a beautiful, ugly mess, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tyler
I’ve really lost her. It’s really over.
Even though it hurts, I know she’s right. This isn’t the right time. We would be going back to each other because it was easy, familiar, and less painful than being apart. I made sure she got home okay, and then I headed home myself.
I don’t plan on losing Lexi forever. She’s still the one, but she’s right, it’s the wrong time. So I will make sure I’m ready at the right time. If losing Justin has taught me one thing, it’s that life is too precious, too fragile.
I won’t lose her the way I lost him.
First, I need to get my life back on track. Get back to work to build a future that she can be a part of when she’s ready. I’ll be waiting because Lex is my future, I know that. She just can’t be my present, but that’s okay. I’ll be waiting, ready for when she is as well.
Because I love her, more than I have ever loved anything in this world.
I know next time we’re together, it will be the start of forever, and I will be ready. My angel will get her wings back, and she will fly high. I will never ground her, hurt her, or leave her again.
Lexi is mine.
The next week passes in a blur. I throw myself into work and buying a new house. This one has too many memories, both good and bad, but it feels like a memorial to all that I’ve lost. I need a fresh start, a new beginning. Preserving Justin’s room like a tomb won’t help me. Every time I walk past, all it does is hurt and block the good memories.
He’s gone, but I can never forget him. His room is just a place, he lives on in my heart and always will.
Instead of just purchasing a house, I spend my nights and free time designing one—for me, for us, for her. Her perfect dream home with everything she has ever mentioned. I ensure it has a pool, because she likes to swim in the sun. I include a cinema room, because she loves movies. The kitchen is big enough for us to cook and play in, and the tub is big enough for us both.
It has a huge window looking out at the back, so she can curl up and read like she told me she liked to do as a child. It has a conservatory for her to sing and play in, and a space attached to it for a dance studio, where she can practice and lose herself in the music. It’s soundproofed, of course, so she never has to worry about the noise.
I make sure I have an office so I can work at home and spend more time with her, plenty of room for guests, and yes, even children. I want it all with her—a life, a family. I remember how she liked sitting under the stars at the restaurant, so I design a room with a glass ceiling to sit under the stars and watch the world go by.
It takes me six days of constant work to draw the original design, and after that, I contact the builders and construction companies I trust. I bought a patch of land years ago with the intention of building a house there, but I just never got around to it. It’s in a nice neighbourhood with other houses built up around it, though not too close, so there is plenty of privacy. There is a lake backing onto the patch, which has been built up as well, with walkways and piers. It’s a beautiful place, close enough for the hustle of the city I enjoy, but far enough out not to hear road noise.