“Austin, what about you?” he touched me again. I could feel the warmth of him, smell the cookies he’d baked, feel overwhelmed with the love for what he’d created for me, Aden, AJ, and Anna. He’d made a home for us all, and was I just confusing that with love? Was he convenient? How could I even think of stopping him from fulfilling his own dreams of seeing the world. Volcanoes in Iceland, Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower.
“Me? You’re indispensable with the children,” I began.
He recoiled instantly, stepping away from me and throwing me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “There are other nannies, Austin, and they’ll be just as good as I am.”
They won’t! I won’t love the other nannies. I won’t see them as part of our lives forever. Marriage. The whole thing. Forever. I need to get him to see that.
I went to follow him, the alcohol and exhaustion and sorrow all wrapped up in one big mess and I stumbled over a chair, caught myself, and then knocked into the table. I felt myself fall, braced myself, but Paul was there, catching me, pulling me to his chest, and I almost whimpered with the sheer need that burst from me. I gripped his shirt as he steadied me and we were so close I could see the flecks of amber in his eyes, and the way his long lashes fanned against his face, and his full lips, and then I kissed him.
Not as I imagined, not with grace, or purpose, or as a question I needed answering. No, this was lust that had coiled inside me for so long, and without any kind of finesse I ground myself against him and kissed him hard. I swallowed his gasp, and then just as I regretted everything and began to pull away, he answered the kiss. He pressed me back against the counter, holding me still, and then he cradled my face and kissed me back with so much passion and desire that my world shifted. Were we on the same page?
Pulling back, holding my hands down, he was regretful. “I can’t do this.” I chased a kiss, but he shook his head. “Not if you don’t really want this… We can’t mess things up for the children,” he murmured.
And then he left.
I slid down the cupboard, alcohol and remorse bitter on my tongue. I didn’t know how long I sat there, but when I checked my watch it was past midnight and the floor was cold.
“You’re still here.” Paul murmured from the door, startling me, making me feel like a fucking idiot for sitting where he’d left me. Why had he come back down? Why couldn’t he have just left me in my misery?
“Yep.”
“We should talk more.”
“It’s okay, we don’t need to,” I forced a smile into my voice and used the counter to stand. “I apologize, because you’ve been nothing but honest with me all along, and I didn’t give you any choice when I kissed you.”
“Austin—”
“I understand if you want to move up your plans and go now.”
He glanced at the clock, “It’s Christmas Eve, Austin. Do you really want me to leave?”
My heart cracked. I wanted to pull him into my arms, beg him to forgive me for my stupidity. If not for the kids, then for me, because in the space of two years I’d fallen so hard for him, fallen in love, and the idea of him not being in our lives was an unbearable weight.
“I was drunk, I probably still am, and I’m so damn sorry,” I murmured, “It’s just I have these feelings because of Christmas and the drink, and you kissed me back and I thought…”
“Austin—”
“But, I get you’re exhausted, I know you’d been up with AJ last night, and when you caught me, I misread the situation—”
“I wasn’t that tired—”
“Proximity,” I said with force.
“What if—?”
I knew he was going to stand there and explain how it was okay I felt the way I did, and tell me that he didn’t feel the same, and that he was sorry. I wasn’t sure my heart could take that kind of stress, and I waved a hand.
“I need to sleep,” I interrupted, then sidestepped him and headed for my room, only feeling safe when the door shut on me.
Hell if I could sleep, and at six a.m. on Christmas Eve I was clearing work emails in my room and wishing I hadn’t drunk quite as much as I had last night. I’d kissed Paul. He’d said he couldn’t do it. That was a pretty clear message, and I’d done exactly what I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do it, I’d opened my heart to him in my usual idiotic way, and he’d carefully shut me down.
“Why am I such a freaking idiot?”
“‘Freaking’! ‘Freaking’!” A very small person shouted behind me.
I jumped in my chair. I hadn’t even heard the door open, but I didn’t have to turn to know it was Anna. My precocious leader of the pack was always sneaking around, catching me when I cursed, or finding ways to get me in trouble. Last week, she’d snitched on me eating ice cream halfway through the afternoon. The week before, she’d spent all day trooping around the house singing the same curse word over and over.
Each time, Paul had gotten stern with me, explaining that two-and-a-half year olds were impressionable sponges. I wasn’t sure if I’d loved his reaction because Paul getting stern was kind of hot, or hated it because I was the one who’d messed up in the first place. There again, this was my house and I was allowed to mess up. Right? And he was leaving, so what did it matter?
“What’s freaking, Daddy?” Anna asked all innocent and cute, and clambered onto my lap, turning so her knees were on my thighs, her hands flat on my cheeks. “Daddy what!” she demanded when I didn’t answer fast enough.
“Nothing, sweetheart,” I lied.
“It’s a bad word. Paul will be mad.”
“Not if you don’t tell him.” I pressed a hand to hers and held it against my skin. “So, no telling him.”
“Okay Daddy.” She stared up at me, and nibbled her lip and I knew something was coming. “Daddy, I love you.”
“I love you too, pumpkin,” I said cautiously. A father never lets an I-love-you go unanswered, but Anna was devious and knew that a simple I-love-you could get her anything.
“Can Big Ted have his own bed?”
Big Ted was the ten-foot stuffed bear Maria had bought when the kids were born, and the constant bane of my life. It was cute at first, all three babies propped up between Big Ted’s huge arms, but now he was this huge hulking thing that none of the kids played with.
“No darling, because Big Ted won’t fit in your bed with you.”
She focused her gaze on me; huge sapphire eyes growing suspiciously damp, and added to that her lip was trembling. Anna was part actress, part princess, and a master manipulator, and I wasn’t falling for it.
“But, Daddy…”
“No, Anna, there’s no way we can get a bed large enough for Big Ted.”
She appeared to consider the conundrum for a while, and then beamed. “Then we’ll make Aden sleep on the floor.”
“We’re not making your brother give up his bed.”
She pouted. “I need to tell Paul you’re wrong and what you said.”
She clambered off my lap, then paused as if she was giving me a final chance to change my mind about turfing her brother out of his bed, and giving a stuffed bear somewhere to sleep. The threat was there, if I didn’t agree then she’d explain to Paul I’d used a bad word that I wanted to hide. Rock and hard place, meet Austin Clarke.