“What’s that?”
“Don’t do anything stupid like move out,” he pleaded. “We need to talk about this.”
I nodded. “Tomorrow?”
“Yeah. That’ll be good. I think we should both take some time.”
I tried to give him a genuine smile, but I had to force it. Then I slipped into my bedroom and refused to look at my suitcase and backpack. I had no clue how this would ever work, how I could grovel enough, apologize fully.
Christmas Eve ended with a disaster of a kiss.
I fucked up the first genuine adult friendship I’d had. One that was all my own. One I thought could last for years to come.
Edie had been right. I was on a fresh path I didn’t trust because I didn’t have a map to help me navigate.
So I’d allowed my attraction to trip me up each and every step of the way.
How would I find the words?
Christmas morning shone bright. Snow had fallen during the night, giving the world a blanket. A clean slate.
And I was famished. I showered and got ready for the day, but when I arrived on the main level, I tiptoed. Not knowing what to expect, I did what I’d not finished last night. Hanging on the hook under my coat was the bag that held Gregg’s gift.
When I slipped into the study to tuck it under the tree, I was taken aback. Gregg and Murphy were already there, each dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater. Murphy’s had an enormous bow.
I couldn’t hold in my chuckle.
Murphy got to his feet, jingling, and looked up at me with pleading eyes. I gave him his favorite scratches and asked, “What did the wicked man do to you? And what the heck is this thing?”
“A coat. Paige sent it. I didn’t realize she tucked a treat in the pocket, so Murph had it open before I could make coffee.” He gestured to a carafe and two mugs sitting on the library table. There was also charcuterie board set up that made my mouth water.
I poured myself a cup of java, ate some cheese, then sat on the rug beside Murphy. “Why would Paige send you this monstrosity, huh?” The coat was Burberry plaid and actually looked very handsome against his ginger fur, but the wide ribbon was tied into a bow that haunted Murphy’s head. What made it even more ridiculous was a little bell on each ribbon tail.
“To keep him warm this winter. She promised me the bow comes off,” Gregg said with a smile.
“It’s coming off then.” I searched for the fastening and unhooked it from the warm coat so Murphy could move with stealth again. “This poor guy doesn’t need to be accosted by jingle bells with every step he takes.”
Gregg laughed. “Every move he makes.”
I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. It just happened around Gregg, and there was no point in fighting it.
Even if I had to apologize better than I had last night.
Another sip of coffee.
I was ready.
Maybe.
Gregg shifted gifts around, putting them into piles, I realized, and then he pushed a small stack toward me. So maybe he wasn’t ready for the conversation we needed to have either.
“What’s all this?”
“Gifts from your family. A box arrived.” He passed me an envelope. “And this was enclosed.”
I opened the card.
Sawyer,
Christmas won’t be the same without you, but we hope these small things will make your day feel just as bright as if you were here with us. We love you so much.
Mom, Tony & Rachel, Gio & Megan, Ellie, and Sophie
P.S. Dad’s an ass, but don’t let him ruin your Xmas. <3 Ellie
Dad had refused to sign the card. Asshole.
Even my nieces and nephews had made an attempt with crayons.
I pushed their gifts aside, not ready for that yet. My apology was more pressing.
I scooted closer. Gregg was just too far away for this. He didn’t retreat, so I took that as a good sign.
“I want to tell you how sorry I am for . . . foisting myself on you. I misread your affection as attraction when I know now it wasn’t. I was impulsive. I leapt because . . . well, it felt right. Comfortable. Easy. But I never should’ve put you in that situation. I know you’re straight, so I’m sorry for having this . . . inappropriate attraction to you.”
“No need to apologize, Sawyer. Besides, I think I muddied the waters. I forget myself around you. For some reason, I do this . . .” He scooted closer and grabbed my hand for a quick squeeze before dropping it again. “Or I hug you or touch you in some other way. Without even thinking.” He shrugged. “I don’t understand it. But I’m sorry it muddled things between us.” He smiled, warm and eye crinkling. “I enjoy spending time with you. You make me laugh. Time feels . . . lighter when you’re here. I’m not ready for this . . . for us to end. And you need so many more baking lessons.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “We’ve got a good thing here.”
“A bromance. Isn’t that what people call it?”
“Maybe. I just don’t want to lose whatever we have because I took a risk I never should’ve.”
“No losses here. Just gains.”
My next breaths flowed easier than the previous ten thousand. “My cheeks ache when I’m with you because I smile so much. You make me feel relaxed in ways I didn’t know were possible. I’m happy with you, Gregg, just the way things are. Watching hockey and learning how to bake. And I’m happy at a time in my life when I should be terrified because nothing about my future is certain.”
“I’m happy when I’m with you too, Sawyer.” Gregg pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. He cupped my jaw, then stroked a thumb over my cheek, over the day-old growth that grew there before his hand fell away. Touches like he loved me. No, cherished me.
Weren’t those caresses of love?
Not the love you want from him.
Right.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “Did it again.”
I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose this. You’re too important to me.”
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
“So if all we ever have is a bromance, I’ll take it, because I’m not willing to give this up.”
He pulled me to his chest, wrapped me in his arms, and puffed warm breaths across my neck that felt so good, I had to fight back the moan that nearly escaped.
Murphy nosed in between us, and Gregg gave him room. “And this guy isn’t about to let you get away so fast either,” he said as he scratched behind Murphy’s ear.
“So . . . gifts?”
“Definitely!”
I passed him a slim box, and he pushed a squat one my way. “You go first, but I have to warn you, Edie helped me a little.”
“Take the credit, man,” Gregg said with a wink. “Don’t give it away.”
I chuckled as he tore into the paper.
His smile about melted me as he revealed what was inside the box. “And you did not disappoint.”
“Yeah?”
He pulled out the watercolor pad, pencils, and watercolor pan.
“Edie suggested those paints. Said your skill was beyond what you could achieve with Crayola.”
“She did, did she?” His smile deepened.