“Here you go,” Tone said, passing him a pint before settling into one of the very comfortable armchairs. Ben loved pubs like this.
He nodded his thanks. “Cheers.”
“You doing alright?”
“Yeah.” He could leave it there. With Tone, there wasn’t ever any pressure for him to talk or share or discuss anything he didn’t want to. Their easy friendship had survived a lot. Tone really was one of the kindest souls Ben had ever met.
Ben took a deep breath. “I need to apologise to you.”
“Nah,” Tone said, waving it off.
“No, I do. You’ve put up with more than anyone else. Shit, Tone, half of my family don’t speak to me anymore, and you’re still around, putting up with my bullshit.”
“You called your mum.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“That’s good.” Tone nodded and sipped his cider, then leaned back in his seat, content.
“Can I tell you about some stuff?”
“Course.”
Ben felt sick. Apart from Greg, no one else knew about what had happened to him. Not even Stan. Ben wasn’t keeping it from him on purpose, but he wasn’t ready to talk about it with him yet.
“That last time you came and got me,” he said slowly, staring very intently at the bubbles on the top of his Guinness. “From that place out in Pasadena.”
“Yeah.”
“Did someone call you?”
Tone gave him a strange look. “You called me, mate. Asked me to come out and get you.”
“Oh.” Ben didn’t remember that. “It was pretty bad.”
“Yeah. I was going to take you to the hospital to get checked out, but you begged me not to. Then I was going to call the doctor when we got home.” He shrugged. “But you settled down in the car and went to sleep, and I guessed you were okay.”
Ben licked his lips. “Some people. They, uh, hurt me. In a way I didn’t want them to. Forced me to do... stuff….” He couldn’t finish it.
He waited for Tone to get it. It didn’t take long. “Holy shit, Ben.”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged. “Lots of reasons, I guess. Look, I told Dr Greg, and it’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, but we’re working on it. I just….” Ben sighed and pressed his fingertips to his eyes, then sat back quickly when the waitress came over with two big bowls of chips.
“You want anything with that, love?”
“Ketchup and mayo,” Tone said immediately. “And salt and vinegar.”
“No problem.”
Ben didn’t say anything else while they waited for her to get back, just nibbled on one of the chips. They were good. Tone was right, as he could be counted on to be when food was involved.
“Stan doesn’t know,” Ben continued when the waitress dropped off their condiments and left them in peace. “I’m going to tell him, but not yet.”
“This is going to sound well dramatic, but I’ve got to ask. Were you trying to off yourself?”
“Not intentionally.” He considered that. “I was trying to forget it happened. I’m sorry to chuck this at you. You shouldn’t have to deal with even more of my bullshit, but—”
“Fuck that,” Tone said emphatically. He dredged a chip through the ketchup and bit into it. “Seriously, fuck that. If you want to talk about stuff, then you can. I’m just sorry I didn’t tear those fuckers limb from fucking limb.”
“I’m not sure that would have helped.”
“Would have made me feel fucking better.”
“Actually, me too, probably.”
They fell into companionable silence as they worked through their lunch. Ben wondered if there was anything else to say.
“I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, or how I acted,” he said after a while. “And I know I still have to do a lot of apologising to everyone else. But when it happened, I thought that was it. I hated myself so fucking much.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Tone said quickly.
“I know. I know. That’s uh….” He didn’t want to put it into words, not really, but he wanted Tone to know. “That’s why I couldn’t talk for a few days. My throat was—”
He almost said fucked. Well. Yeah.
“I thought I was finally broken in a way that wasn’t possible to be fixed.”
“I guess I saw that,” Tone said. “When I brought you home and got you to bed, after that was when I contacted Stan.”
“I didn’t know that.”
Tone nodded. “I figured things couldn’t get much worse.”
“No,” Ben said. His voice came out all wrong. Still broken. “They probably couldn’t. You saved my life, Tone. Honest to God. If you didn’t bring me back here, then I wouldn’t be around anymore.”
“I’m glad you are,” Tone said. “You’re hard work, but I fucking love you.”
“Well, I’m working on being someone else’s problem for a while.”
“Be good to him.” Tone was serious now, Ben could tell. “I fucking mean it.”
“I will.”
Tone seemed to believe him. Since he was done with his chips, Ben pushed them over to Tone, knowing Tone would happily finish them off.
“You left all the crunchy ones at the bottom.”
“Sorry,” Ben said with a laugh.
“Don’t be. Now I get them. So what are you going to do next?”
Ben leaned back in his chair, pleased with how ridiculously comfy it was. The whole atmosphere of the pub was comfy, like someone had picked up an old country pub and transported it to the middle of the city.
“Not sure. I need to find somewhere to live.”
“Yeah. Not that I mind you sleeping in my bed, but it does mean I can’t bring anyone home.”
“If you want to bring someone home, you should,” Ben said very seriously. “I won’t cock-block you.”
“I have a girlfriend.”
Ben sat up straight. “You have a what?”
“A girlfriend.” Tone looked embarrassed.
“Are you fucking kidding me? How did I not know about this?”
Tone shrugged. “I only met her when we got back to London. She was at a gig, and we got talking…. She’s nice.”
“What’s her name?”
“Amy. I want her to meet you guys, but she’s kind of shy. I might bring her to meet you and Stan first.”
“Yeah, of course mate. What’s she like?”
Tone was blushing. Ben made a mental note to relentlessly take the piss at every opportunity, and to write down all his favourite stories of the stupid shit the two of them had done over the years to embarrass him further in front of his girlfriend. Tone hadn’t ever brought a girl home before. They all knew he hooked up, but he hadn’t had a serious relationship in years, as far as Ben knew.
“She’s pretty. She’s really into music, but she’s not… I don’t know. She’s not like into a scene or anything. I think she’s like the sort of person I would have wanted to be my girlfriend even if I wasn’t in Ares.”