He almost felt sorry for her. The question was meant to be theoretical, designed to appeal to his empathetic side. Instead, it made him surer than ever that he was not equipped to deal with his current situation.
“I hear what you’re saying, Lacey—but you can’t tell me you don’t see it. That kid wants nothing to do with me. She’s hardly willing to be in the same room as I am, for Pete’s sake.”
“I wouldn’t exactly say that,” Lacey said, although he could see on her face that she knew precisely what he was talking about.
“Doesn’t really matter how you put it, though, does it? Doesn’t change a darn thing.”
"Maybe she's picking up on something," she prodded. She was still using that gentle, almost timid voice, but he heard something like steel underneath. It wasn't what he had come to expect from her, and he might have enjoyed it under different circumstances. As it was, he didn't have the time or patience for her psychoanalysis right now.
“Look, Lacey,” he exploded, not quite yelling but headed in that direction if he wasn’t careful. “I’m just not cut out for this, okay?”
“What does that mean?” she pressed. “Not cut out for what?”
"For the whole legal guardian thing. I don't know why I ever thought I could take it on to begin with. Is there anything about me that strikes you as paternal?" he asked, getting to his feet and pacing back and forth while she watched him, her hands still on her hips. He could see by the expression on her face that she was utterly unimpressed, but he couldn't stop. These were the thoughts that had been crowding his head for the past few weeks. He hadn't intended to unleash them, but now that he'd started, he felt powerless to stop himself.
“Trevor, be careful. Little people—”
"Have big ears," he finished, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I know. Believe me; I wouldn't worry about it. That kid always makes sure to stay as far away from me as she can get. Because I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a guardian. Lacey. You want God's honest truth? I just want this whole mess to be finished. Her, the ranch, all of it. I want it to be over and done so I can go back to Helena and get back to my life."
For a moment that seemed to stretch on forever, there was only silence. His voice had steadily risen as he spoke, and now the kitchen had that weird, hollow sound that comes in the quiet following a burst of noise. His head throbbed, and his heart pounded in his ears, a feeling he thought resembled a heart attack, or something like that. Lacey was still standing in front of him, but he hardly dared to look at her. He was afraid of what he would see on her face.
From somewhere just outside the kitchen door, a crash sounded, followed by little slipper-clad feet slapping on the wood floor as they ran away from the kitchen.
Lacey's hand flew up to her mouth, her eyes growing wide with understanding. For Trevor, though, it took a minute. One blissful minute before he realized his mistake. Then the significance of the noise hit him, and he felt like the worst kind of man in the world.
“Aw, hell,” he said, his hands dropping to his sides and his shoulders slumping. “I didn’t realize. How was I supposed to know she was standing right out there? I didn’t see hide nor hair of her when I came in.”
“That’s the thing about kids, Trevor,” Lacey said angrily. “Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t around. And, just in case you were curious, that was about the last thing on the planet that little girl needed. She’s already been abandoned by her mother. Now she’s hearing that you’re going to run off and leave her, too. Not good.”
“I—I didn’t mean it,” he stammered, totally out of his depth and floundering miserably. “I mean, the stress is real, but I would never abandon her. Jeez, Lacey, I would hope you’d think better of me than that.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think,” Lacey countered. “It matters what Jade thinks, and she’s only a little kid.”
“Can you help me?” he asked, genuinely humbled by her words, something of a rare occurrence for him. “Please, Lacey, I’m drowning here.”
“I’m doing the best I can, Trevor, but things aren’t exactly going well for me, either,” she answered, her face reddening as her gaze dropped to the floor.
“What do you mean? I thought that’s what I was taking care of by doing the work on the bed and breakfast.”
He saw her swallow hard. “You are, and I really appreciate it, but the bank has started calling me pretty regularly. They are threatening to foreclose on the note if I don’t get the B&B’s progress back on track.”
“I didn’t know anything about a loan,” Trevor said, his face darkening. Of all the things that his father had taught him, the one thing he could agree with was that getting into bed with the bank was to be avoided at all costs. The stress he saw now on Lacey’s face was an excellent indicator of why.
“Well, there is one,” she said, a hint of defensiveness in her voice. “I took out a construction loan using the timetable the contractor gave me. The bank doles out the funding based on the predetermined schedule. If the work doesn’t stay on schedule, they’ll close out the note.”
“Why am I just now hearing this?” Trevor demanded angrily.
"Because I didn't think you needed to know. It's not like your name is on the loan. I didn't want to stress you out any more than you already were."
"Well, you did a bang-up job," Trevor growled in response. Deep down, he knew he wasn't being fair. She hadn't been out to get him, and it wasn't her fault that her contractor had bailed. It wasn't even her fault that he was working on the B&B in the contractor's place. The fact of the matter was, though, that between the two of them, it was a struggle to get it all done.
"I'm sorry, Trevor," she said after a long pause and a deep breath. "I want to be able to help you with Jade. She's a sweet little girl, and she deserves all the good she can get after what she's been through. But I also have to make sure that the bed and breakfast doesn't fold before I even get it open. It's everything to me. I've poured all the money I have into it."
They stood looking at one another, both at a momentary loss.
This was the problem with having people in his life. When he was on his own, Trevor had only had his own stuff to worry about. Now he sort of had an entire little family to deal with, one he hadn't signed up for. He might be good at fixing things, but he didn't know how to fix a family. He'd chosen to run away from his own instead of working to fix it.
At the same time, Trevor liked to think of himself as a problem solver by nature. He clenched his jaw, willing himself to pull back from the dilemma slightly, to find a way to see it more clearly. There had to be a way to work this out so that everyone would be all right, if not exactly happy. After a moment of troubleshooting it in his head, he landed on something he thought just might do the trick.
“Okay, I think I’ve got a plan, although I don’t know if any of us will enjoy it much.”
"Gee, what a wonderful endorsement," Lacey said, adding a nervous laugh.
"I know, right? But hear me out,” he went on, raising his hands to stop her from saying more. “I could use some extra help at the bed and breakfast. I think that's pretty darn clear to the both of us. You need the work to happen faster, and it seems I need to make a better effort with Jade."