More than that, she needed to do what was right.
She gripped the car door handle. She had to tell him. She couldn’t let him think he wasn’t wanted. And she couldn’t hold back her own truth. Even though it would change nothing that could happen, it might help him understand. There would be the slightest soothing of her soul too—and hopefully his—just from the power of knowledge.
‘I can say more,’ she said tightly.
He didn’t respond; he just stared at her as if he’d seen Medusa and been turned to stone.
‘I have more to say.’ Courage began flowing through her veins. ‘I have to go now, Alvaro. You want to know why?’
‘You’ve already said why. It’s something.’
She nodded. ‘It’s you.’
His eyes dilated.
‘Well, to be more correct, it’s my feelings for you.’
He was utterly still but already she saw it in his gaze—the denial.
She’d always put duty before desire; protocol before the personal. But her reticence in sharing anything, in admitting anything, in asking for anything, had been more than so-called duty. In essence she’d always been afraid. Scared that if she said what she really wanted she’d lose what she loved most. That she’d be sent away—as her mother and her sister had been. But she was leaving now anyway. And speaking her truth wasn’t just for him, but for herself too.
‘I’ve fallen in love with you,’ she said, amazed at her own calmness. ‘I know you joked it might happen. But you weren’t being arrogant, in fact you were selling yourself short. You’re very easy to fall in love with.’ She ran her tongue over her suddenly dry lips. ‘You don’t have to worry. I’m not proposing. I’m not asking you for a future. I know that’s impossible. But I’m telling you how I feel. That’s all. I’m trying to be honest.’
‘No, Jade. I...’ He actually looked sorry. ‘I don’t think this is true.’
‘I’m doing the one thing you’ve encouraged me to do. I’m picking my favourite. And it’s you.’ Her equilibrium began to tilt. ‘Only now you decide you don’t want to hear it?’
‘You’re...’ He shook his head. ‘You’ve been very sheltered.’
‘Are you about to suggest that I shouldn’t trust my own feelings?’ She glared at him.
His jaw clenched but he forced a breath. ‘I’m about to suggest that you’re inexperienced in these things.’
‘And you aren’t?’
He laughed. Short, bitter, biting.
‘When did you last have a long-term relationship, Alvaro?’ she challenged. ‘When did you last open up to anyone?’
His smile vanished.
‘Emotional intimacy is something you dodge like a vampire avoiding sunlight,’ she snapped.
He stilled, silenced.
‘Nothing to say to that?’ she asked.
She didn’t even want him to say anything now. She just wanted to run away. She didn’t know what she’d thought would happen. As if confessing this would help in some way? That he might appreciate what she’d just given him?
Yeah, so wrong on that.
Anger bubbled—like none she’d ever felt.
‘So your plan now is to leave?’ He shifted in his seat.
She could feel the tension streaming from him. ‘Yes.’
‘Why?’ His cold gaze sliced through her. ‘Why leave early when you’ve suddenly realised your feelings for me? Why miss out on the few days we have left? Are you too scared to see it through, Jade?’ His accusation burned. ‘You still don’t really believe in your choices yet, do you?’
Why was he being so cruel?
‘Because it’s going to hurt me,’ she said. ‘And if I stay ’til the end, it will hurt more.’
‘So, you’ll admit love in one breath, but run away in the next?’
‘It’s not like you’re perfect.’ His antagonism riled her. ‘You act like you have it all together. Like you’re cool and all in control. You think you have your life just the way you want it and, sure, it’s pretty good. To a point. But you’re as much of a coward as I am. In fact, more so.’
‘How do you figure that?’ he snapped.
‘Your awesome “independence”? Your whole refusal to be a burden to anyone? It’s a cover, so you can hide and not open up, not let anyone in. Because if you let someone in, if you let someone shoulder what you’ve got going on in there...’
‘Then what?’ He dared her to say it, frigid rage on his face.
‘Then they might leave you.’
He visibly withdrew. That iron anger hardened his amber eyes. ‘I think that’s your fear talking, Jade.’
‘Sure. But it’s your fear too. You choose to be alone. You choose isolation. And it’s hurting you. You should find someone and make your own family.’
‘You sound like Ellen.’
‘She knows you better than anyone. And she’s right,’ Jade said. ‘You deserve happiness and you should have it all with someone. You shouldn’t lock yourself away the way you do.’
‘I don’t lock myself away. And I don’t want a family.’
‘Because you don’t care?’ She shook her head. ‘That’s all you do, Alvaro. You are the lighthouse. You’re tall and strong and you care for people, you protect them. Like Ellen. Like your employees... But you don’t just keep “safe reserves”, Alvaro. You also have rocks around you, just like that lighthouse. They’re your defence—warning people to stay away from you. Keeping you isolated. But lighthouses aren’t fully automated machines, they still need care and attention. They still need a keeper to refuel them. They still need that source of power, at least that one person to keep them switched on. You need that.’
And so badly she wanted his one person to be her.
‘And the irony is,’ she said sadly, ‘that bright light attracts us all. We’re like moths. We want to be around you. To love you. Only you won’t let anyone in.’
He didn’t just look shocked. He looked horrified.
‘Jade...’ He paused for a moment, clearly searching carefully for the right words. ‘I can’t give you what you want.’
And they were the wrong words.
‘This was only ever an affair,’ he added. ‘This wasn’t meant to...’